


This Woman's Work

by admiralty



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Episode: s02e08 One Breath, Episode: s03e01 The Blessing Way, Episode: s05e01-02 Redux, Episode: s05e07 Emily, Episode: s06e19 The Unnatural, Episode: s07e17 All Things, Episode: s08e13 Per Manum, Episode: s08e20 Essence, Episode: s09e16 William, Episode: s10e04 Home Again, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Post-Episode: s07e21 Je Souhaite, Post-Episode: s09e19-20 The Truth, Post-Movie: The X-Files: I Want To Believe (2008), Pre-The X-Files: I Want To Believe (2008), Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-06-24 01:53:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 50,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15619893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/admiralty/pseuds/admiralty
Summary: A look at the entire series through the eyes of Margaret Scully and her daughter. This story references my storyCulminationbut can be read without it.





	1. Pray God you can cope

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter takes place post “Tooms” and during “One Breath.”

 

 

 

 

**MAGGIE**

**(1994)**

 

When Margaret Scully first held her daughter Dana in her arms, she was immediately struck by how quiet she was. Bill had been colicky; Melissa and Charlie had been better but still noisy, as most babies are.

Not Dana. She would fix her tiny eyes, blue even at birth, onto her mother’s and just stare. When most babies would cry, Dana was quiet. Maggie should have known even then that her daughter would grow up to be the same: strong, silent, and full of secrets.

As a result of this personality trait, Dana had always been hesitant to form close attachments. Not only to others outside her own family, but to the members within her family as well. She loved them, of course, but she held them at arm’s length, kept her emotions inside. She was like her mother in so many ways, but there was much of her father in her too; walls around her that were hard to bring down.

Dana was a smart kid and as she grew she was curious and engaged. She loved to learn, and enjoyed and excelled at school more than her siblings did. When she told her mother she wanted to be a doctor, and had the grades to do so, she and her father were so proud. They happily put her through medical school and watched her excel there as well.

Dana’s decision to join the FBI came as a shock to her parents. They had been extremely supportive of her decision to become a doctor, and were now being asked to redirect that support into a career that seemed far less lucrative in every respect, not to mention dangerous. They were also unable to get a satisfying answer out of her when they asked for her reasons.

It wasn’t that they didn’t want to support their daughter. They just wanted to understand her.

Maggie struggled with Dana’s inability to open up, and let her in more fully. She kept her secrets and stayed at a distance. It had always been that way, but lately she had been withdrawing even more. Maggie couldn’t help but wonder if it had something to do with the death of her father. They’d been close, as close as Dana would allow, and Dana had admired and adored her father in a way that was special, unique among their other children.

It was this love that made his death even harder on Dana because she hadn’t had time to change her father’s mind about her career decision. Maggie was open and willing to understand, as long as Dana would let her. But her father had been hesitant, and kept his feelings on the matter to himself. Dana could sense it, however, and Maggie knew it was breaking her heart. For her father to die suddenly in the midst of Dana’s uncertainty must have been more difficult than she could possibly imagine.

All Maggie could do was offer everything she could, and hope that her daughter would share what she would. Meeting Dana’s new FBI partner would be a huge step towards learning more about the motivations for her decision, and what she was doing with her life.

She hadn’t told her mother much about Fox Mulder. Maggie wasn’t quite sure what to expect. She figured if Dana had it her way, they’d probably never meet at all. But, she’d reasoned with her, if Dana was going to be spending all her time with this person, in presumably dangerous situations, her own mother had the right to know in whose hands she was placing her life.

When Agent Mulder appeared at her doorstep, Maggie noticed instantly his hands were in his pockets. It was such a small thing but it communicated so much. It was the first indication he was very much like Dana, regardless of his attempts to prove otherwise as the evening progressed.

He wiped his feet on the mat. Check. He greeted her with a hug. Check, check. Dana had indicated he wasn’t an extremely social person but he had certainly been taught manners, and that was a good sign.

Maggie suddenly realized she was checking off a list she’d have checked if her daughter had brought home a boyfriend, not a work colleague. It had happened so automatically, she inwardly admonished herself for being so presumptuous. Dana had never implied he had any other role or possible role in her life other than a professional one. It was silly for her to assume as much simply because he happened to be a man.

But he was just so… _handsome._ Dana hadn’t mentioned how good looking he was. She brought boyfriends home to meet them so rarely, Maggie found herself imagining him filling that role just the same.

 _Them._ She shook her head, remembering Bill wasn’t here anymore. She wondered how long it would take for the “them” to fade away in her mind, in her heart. Maybe it never would.

The love she and her husband shared had been extremely special. She couldn’t help but wish it, want it for her daughter. She only wanted her to be happy. She wanted her to have love, and family, and all the things she knew Dana must desire. And she’d be lying if she didn’t admit she wanted grandbabies. Lots and lots of them.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Scully,” Agent Mulder said as he hugged her.

“Very nice to meet you too, Fox.”

“Don’t call him Fox, he doesn’t like it,” Dana interjected.

As Dana took his coat and turned to hang it, Fox shook his head and mouthed to Maggie it was okay. She smiled, and enjoyed that they seemed to have a private understanding within ten seconds of meeting. She liked him already.

Maggie had no reason not to call him by his first name, as strange a name as it was, if he told her it was okay. And she thought it was odd these two called each other by their last names anyway. She wondered why.

Her first guess was that they were subconsciously keeping one another at arm’s length. Not unlikely, considering what she knew about Dana’s personality.

But soon she realized it was actually more personal and intimate than anyone on the outside could possibly understand. The way they said each other’s names… it was with such familiarity and comfort. They were nicknames. They were pet names. They were names you’d call a friend of many, many years, and they’d only known each other for a few short months. The oddness of it quickly morphed into something wonderful, like a puzzle piece only she had figured out.

This was the first thing she noticed that hinted at the true nature of their partnership. Maybe they didn’t want to admit it to each other but there was a spark between them that was impossible to ignore. Once this thought entered her mind, it burrowed inside and refused to let go.

_A mother always knows._

Fox was polite, and seemed very passionate about their work. Dana had told her a bit about it but, as ever, she revealed very little.

“So please explain to me what you both do all day. Dana keeps everything to herself,” Maggie addressed Fox.

Fox glanced over to Dana and they shared a look, another one of those looks Maggie had observed all evening that communicated so much between them in an instant. How had they developed what she was witnessing tonight in such a short period of time? It was extraordinary.

“Well, it’s difficult to explain,” he began. “We do what all the other agents do except our cases are always a bit… unusual.”

“Unusual… how?”

“Unexplainable,” he clarified. He looked at Dana. “Why don’t you tell your mom about one of our cases, Scully? To further… _elaborate.”_ He seemed to say this pointedly, and smiled at her as if they shared some inside joke.

Dana raised an eyebrow. “I think you’d do a much better job of that, Mulder.”

Fox shrugged. “Well, last week, for instance, we were after a serial killer who could stretch his entire body enough to fit through a tiny grate. He had gotten released from prison, even though he really shouldn’t have, and was eating people’s livers.”

Maggie stopped the journey of her fork to her mouth mid-bite, her eyes widening. Dana glared at him.

“Mulder!”

“She asked!” he said, putting his hands up and chuckling.

“That sounds... dangerous,” Maggie said, her primary concern her daughter’s safety. Mutant liver-eaters notwithstanding.

“It can be,” Fox conceded. “But we’ve had extensive training. Your daughter is a great shot, better than me, to be honest. And we’ve got each other’s backs, always.”

He smiled at Dana and she smiled back and Maggie wondered how on earth the dining room they were sitting in hadn’t spontaneously combusted from their look alone. What on earth was going on here?

“So Fox, are you married? Seeing anyone special?” Maggie eyed her daughter closely after she asked the question. Dana looked intently at her pot roast.

“No… not, ah, at the moment,” Fox replied. He didn’t seem uncomfortable but she detected a hint of hesitancy.

“Oh? I find that hard to believe,” she pressed. She knew exactly what she was doing.

“The work prevents me from investing too much time in that kind of thing,” he responded. “It’s very... consuming. It takes up pretty much all of my time.”

Maggie couldn’t help but complete his thought, that Dana was obviously part of that consumption. She wondered if these two had a snowball’s chance in hell of _not_ falling head over heels for each other at some point. They were human, after all. She smiled to herself and sipped her wine.

After dinner was finished, Fox politely excused himself to use the bathroom and Maggie took advantage of his absence.

“Well,” she smiled at her daughter.

“Well, what?” 

“He’s very handsome.”

Dana rolled her eyes. “Come on, Mom. Can we have a conversation, please, that doesn’t revolve around me finding some man? He’s my work partner.”

Maggie shrugged. “Doesn’t change the fact that he’s handsome.”

Dana scrunched up her face and gave the smallest smile possible, and it was the closest Maggie figured she’d get to her daughter admitting defeat on this matter.

“Even if you were... correct about that, it doesn’t change a thing. I’ve just started at the Bureau, Mom. I don’t need that kind of distraction. Seriously.”

Maggie grinned at her. She grinned back. It was enough.

Something was going on between these two. It wasn’t exactly what Maggie thought, or maybe even hoped, not yet, but it was something. And little somethings could grow into big somethings.

Maybe all they needed was time.

  
  
  
  
  
*******

 

 

Maggie watched as Fox pushed open the doors of the mortuary and went outside. He left abruptly and she was concerned.

She paid for Dana’s tombstone and followed him out the doors.

When she found him he was sitting on the ground around the corner of the building. It looked like he was trying really hard to keep it together.

“We can’t give up, Mrs. Scully. The tombstone is too much, it’s… a sign of failure. It’s too soon.”

Her heart was so flooded with grief for her daughter she didn’t have the energy to scrutinize what their relationship was, or how exactly he felt about Dana. Right now, Fox was Dana’s friend, and he was in pain just like she was.

“I’m sorry if I’m out of line. She’s your daughter. I’ve only known her for a short time.”

Maggie walked around him and sat on the ground next to him, leaning against the wall. Maybe he needed someone to talk to. Maybe she did, too. She tried to think of something comforting to say, but before she could he started to speak again.

“When I was twelve, my younger sister was taken from our home.”

Maggie was taken aback by this revelation. Until now she had seen this man as her daughter’s handsome work colleague, a friend, maybe a bit of a workaholic, but a pretty normal guy. It never occurred to her he had a dark history like this. She suddenly felt a bit selfish. She felt guilty for thinking her own grief was more important than his; that she’d never even considered such a thing. The pain he must have experienced, losing a family member while so young. She found it difficult to imagine, even now, unaware of her own daughter’s fate.

“We never saw her again,” Fox continued. “It ripped my family apart. Nothing was ever the same. And I’ve been looking for her my entire life.”

Maggie didn’t think she could feel any worse right now, but she was wrong. She couldn’t speak.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is… I know what you’re feeling right now. I understand. Scully knew, she… helped me. She always supported me in my search. Now I’m alone again and I feel like I took that support for granted.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, Fox,” Maggie said when she could speak. She wasn’t just saying it to make him feel better; she knew her daughter well enough to know she wouldn’t have put time and effort and care into a friendship if it wasn’t worthwhile. And she had known from the night she met him he was worthwhile.

“I’m sorry, I’m not looking for sympathy. I know you and your family need it more than I do right now.”

He was sitting with his arms draped over his knees, just staring straight ahead. She wasn’t sure how he’d respond but she felt the need to touch his arm.

“It’s okay,” she assured him. She may not know the specifics of their relationship but she knew there was love there. She knew he missed her terribly, and that his fear was real.

“I feel like it’s happening all over again, and… I let it. I let her slip away from me.”

He started fiddling with something around his neck. For the first time she noticed what it was: he was wearing Dana’s gold cross necklace, the one Maggie had given her when she was a young girl. In that moment she felt intimately connected to the both of them, as if they’d all been brought together by fate. It gave her a strange surge of hope.

“Would you consider yourself a man of faith, Fox?” She was genuinely curious. In the moment it didn’t feel like overstepping. He looked a bit abashed but shook his head.

“Not in a religious sense,” he explained. “I believe in a lot of things, though.” He held the cross between his fingertips. “I believe in her.”

Maggie smiled to herself, knowing they both shared that faith. They had that much in common.

“You know, Fox,” she said to him. He looked over at her. “Remember that dream I told you about? The one where I saw Dana get taken away?”

He nodded, and looked a bit apprehensive.

“I didn't stop having it yet,” she said. They looked at each other and let that sink in. He smiled.

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?”

“I think so,” Maggie replied. Maybe he was right, it was too soon to give up. For a moment she felt sick to her stomach, as if purchasing a tombstone was in fact a symbol of giving up on her daughter. She’d given up, and he hadn’t. It struck her.

She patted his arm one more time, got up, and he followed.

“I’m going to head home. Will you please call me if you hear anything?”  Fox asked. “And I’ll do the same, of course.”

Maggie nodded, and they smiled at each other. Fox turned and left.

Maggie stood there for a moment, and made the decision not to go back inside to retrieve the tombstone. Instead, she headed back to her car and drove home.

That evening, she received a call from the hospital. Dana had been found.

 


	2. I'll stand outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melissa Scully has some thoughts about her sister's relationship with Mulder. 
> 
> "Scully didn’t want to talk about Mulder anymore because these thoughts confused her. She didn’t understand them. It reminded her of being at church with her mother, and standing in the pew praying to God felt strange because she didn’t understand why she felt something there, how that could be possible. How God could be real in her heart, but not in her mind.
> 
> Thinking about Mulder this way felt similar. She didn’t understand the feelings so she avoided them entirely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after “One Breath.”

 

 

 

**SCULLY**

**(1994)**

 

The hospital door closed and she watched him as he left. She knew time had gone by but she had little concept of how long she’d been gone, how he must have worried, how guilty he must have felt for not being able to protect her. She knew Mulder; he’d have made her disappearance his new obsession. Finding her would have been his new quest.

Oddly, her relief at being alive somehow translated into relief he wouldn’t have all that hanging over his head anymore.

She knew he’d want to know exactly what happened, every minute, what Duane Barry had said, where they’d gone, everything. She couldn’t remember. She couldn’t give that to him and seeing his disappointment, as much as he tried to hide it, made her feel it, too.

It was strange; she and Mulder had barely known each other a year and she somehow already considered him a part of herself, like an extra limb. Even as he walked away she felt her insides slowly start to empty with every step. She’d never felt like that about another person before, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it.

She must have been deep in thought because the sound of her sister’s voice took her by surprise.

“You’re going to marry him,” Melissa said, grinning like an idiot.

Scully flinched a bit, then shook her head. As with most people on the outside of their friendship, Melissa just didn’t get it.

“It’s not like that, Missy.”

“Oh, but it is.” She was nodding. “And before you say I don’t get it, I think it’s pretty obvious _you’re_ the one who doesn’t get it.”

Melissa always did this. She had these _feelings_ all the time and had no problem whatsoever shifting them into her own reality, molding them right into her worldview. It didn’t matter that there was no evidence to support them. To Melissa, the feeling was all that mattered. She and her sister were very different, and now that Scully thought about it, Mulder and Melissa were very much alike.

“I think you two would probably make a cute couple, actually,” Scully pointed out. As soon as the words were out of her mouth she felt a little ill, but it quickly passed. She tried not to wonder what that was all about.

Melissa shook her head. “He’s not the guy for me. He _is_ the guy for you, though.”

“Seriously, Missy. You don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s a mess.” Mulder _was_ a bit of a mess. And Scully was feeling a bit caught off guard at the moment.

Melissa shrugged. “What man isn’t? Someone’s got to clean it up. It’s going to be you. Sorry, Dana,” she smirked, and sat down into a chair, a smug look on her face.

Scully couldn’t help but smile back at her sister and roll her eyes. Once Melissa grabbed ahold of something, she wouldn’t let go.

It wasn’t that it hadn’t crossed her mind. It had, more times than she cared to admit. Usually in situations where she would fleetingly observe how goddamn good looking he was, and how unfair it was that he was obviously off-limits.

 _Obviously_.

He was her partner, her friend. That’s the way it was, that’s the way it would remain. Thinking about the alternative complicated things. Scully just wanted to stop talking about it.

But Melissa wasn’t prepared to drop it, not yet, and picked up the video cassette Mulder had brought as a gift from Scully’s bed. She held it up.

“Look at this.”

“Look at what?” Scully asked. “The worst present anyone ever gave anyone in the history of gift giving?”

Melissa shook her head. “You’re so closed off, Dana, that you can’t see this for what it is.”

“ _Superstars of the Super Bowls._ Right. He’s very thoughtful, and knows me so well.”

“What did you expect, Dana? This,” she held the cassette up, “this is how awkward guys tell you they’re in love with you.”

“Oh, stop it,” Scully said, defensive now. She didn’t need her sister telling her how it was. She knew how it was. Didn’t she?

“He’s not in love with me. He’s not in love with anything but his work.”

Her mother, who had been listening quietly this entire time, finally spoke up.

“I don’t think that’s true, Dana. You should have seen him when you were found, the night he came into the hospital. He was… I've never seen anything like it. He was beside himself. He expressed it in a strange way but... it was there.”

“What was there,” she sighed in defeat, feeling a little bit ganged up on now.

“Love,” Maggie said simply. Melissa was nodding.

Scully wondered about the interactions her family must have had with Mulder while she was gone. It was hard to imagine. Her two worlds rarely collided and she preferred it that way for some reason.

She chose her next words carefully. “There are… different kinds of love. We care about each other, as friends. He’s my friend. My best friend, probably. So yes, there’s love there. But that’s where it ends.”

Melissa was resolute. “No, I feel very strongly about this, Dana. You’ll have all that. You already have it. But you’ll get to have more with him, too. I know it.”

Her sister had premonitions ever since they were kids. Especially when they were teenagers, she had predicted things all the time. Proving her sister wrong had been one of Scully’s favorite pastimes, but her premonitions came true so often Scully had to admit Missy was right more often than she wasn’t.

But not this. Surely Melissa had this wrong. If this were the case, everything Scully thought she knew about Mulder was wrong. Everything she felt about him would be wrong, too. She wasn’t comfortable with that.

Scully didn’t want to talk about Mulder anymore because these thoughts confused her. She didn’t understand them. It reminded her of being at church with her mother, and standing in the pew praying to God felt strange because she didn’t understand why she felt something there, how that could be possible. How God could be real in her heart, but not in her mind.

Thinking about Mulder this way felt similar. She didn’t understand the feelings so she avoided them entirely.

She looked down at the gold cross that was still warm from Mulder’s pocket. God still existed to her. So did her friendship with Mulder. If she tried to look too closely at it, it might all go away. She didn’t want to look any further.

“He’s an odd guy, Dana,” Melissa continued. “And a bit of an asshole, to be honest. But I knew it was only because he loves you. Truly.”

Scully looked uncomfortable and kept her mouth shut. _Avoid, avoid._

“Just remember what I said to you before, okay?” Melissa continued. “Follow your heart and it will take you where you’re supposed to go.”

“Can we stop talking about this, please?”

“Yes, as soon as you promise me you’ll remember what I said.”

Scully looked at her sister. “Okay. I will.”

Scully loved her sister but knew this would be a difficult promise to keep. Following her heart wasn’t always the easiest path. But she’d try, for her. She’d always try.

 

**(1995)**

 

Maggie was surprised to see her daughter at her doorstep so late, not to mention without any shoes on.

“I’ve made a terrible mistake. Dad would be so ashamed of me,” Scully cried and fell into her mother’s arms.

“What’s wrong, Dana? What is it?” 

Scully clung to her tightly and sobbed. She was so confused, everything was a mess. She’d all but lost her job, she’d lost the data tape Mulder had presumably died for, and worst of all, she’d lost him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know where else to go.”

Maggie held her for a few moments, and walked her into the house. Her sister was there, on the couch.

“Dana! What happened?” Melissa asked, getting up. Scully didn’t ask why she was there. It wasn’t uncommon for her to drop in on their mother for a visit. It didn’t matter right now, anyway.

“Mulder is missing. He’s probably dead. I… I lost this... important tape that we both needed so badly and I think I may have lost my job, too. I don’t know what to do.”

“Fox is… _dead_?” Her mother looked shocked, upset.

“No,” Melissa was shaking her head. “He can’t be, he has to be okay. When did he go missing?”

Scully just looked at her. “He must be dead, there’s no way he could have survived in the desert this long. It would be a miracle.”

“God performs miracles all the time,” her mother said. “I’m sure he’ll be okay.”

Melissa pressed on. “Dana, I know he’s going to be fine, I just know it.”

“Missy, enough!” Scully snapped. She’d had it with her sister’s premonitions, or vibrations, or whatever they were. Her sister didn’t know anything about what had happened. She couldn’t possibly understand.

Scully knew Melissa was only trying to make her feel better, but it wasn’t helping. Mulder was dead, certainly. She had failed him utterly. The very thing he’d died for was under her care and she’d lost it. The men who did this to him were going to get away with it, as usual. That knowledge, that she’d failed him, made her feel completely hopeless.

Melissa put her hands in her lap and looked down. She spoke quietly. “Dana, I’m not just trying to make you feel better. I know he’s okay because this is not where it ends for you two. I’ve seen you both, together. Older. You’re happy, and you have… a family. It’s what I saw when I first met him.”

Scully just held her head in her hands. She didn’t believe this, she didn’t believe any of it. It was nonsense. She loved her sister more than she could ever express, but they were just so different. Besides not believing in these kinds of premonitions, she didn’t think of Mulder in that way. She’d made an active effort _not_ to think about him in that way since she met him. Confronting any other possibility would only make the loss of him even harder to take than it already was. So she shoved those feelings down deep where they belonged.

Her mother sat down across from her on the coffee table and placed her hand on Scully’s back. She rubbed it softly.

“Dana, you cannot give up on him. He never gave up on you.”

Scully looked up, tears in her eyes. “What do you mean?”

“When you went missing, the man refused to give up on you. Even when I almost had.”

“He did?”

Maggie nodded. “He loves you, Dana.” Scully started to protest but her mother held up her hand. “Whatever _kind_ of love it may be, you cannot give up on him.”

Melissa spoke up. “Don’t give up. He’s worth it, I know it.”

Scully smiled, her eyes grateful. For whatever reason, she wanted to adopt her sister’s hopeful attitude. Regardless of the odds of any actual positive outcome, she knew being miserable wasn’t the right answer.

“You know I don’t really believe in these kinds of premonitions. But I do want to believe Mulder is alive. So thank you, all the same, okay?”

Melissa grinned. They all just looked at each other for a few moments, until Scully couldn’t help herself.

“So, let’s have it,” she said, in spite of everything. “Tell me about your… vision, whatever.” She was more curious than she wanted to be, but she had to know. He might still be alive. She wanted to believe.

Melissa smiled. “You’re happy. You’re together, and you’re alive,” she said. “And you have a family of your own.”

Scully raised an eyebrow. She and Mulder rarely talked about their future aspirations, together or separately. But she had never thought of him as the fatherly type. It was hard to imagine him in such a role.

“With Mulder? Not likely,” she scoffed. "He's not the type."

“People change, Dana,” Melissa said.

“And exactly how _far_ in the future is this vision?” she laughed.

Melissa shrugged. “I can’t tell, actually. You both look older. But still incredible,” she observed.

Mulder was attractive, she knew that much. They _would_ probably make cute babies together. The thought made her smile in spite of herself. She idly wondered about his genetic history and then reproached herself for the indulgence. She didn’t even know if he was alive and here she was entertaining ridiculous fantasies. An errant thought crossed her mind that if she ever did see him again she’d think of this conversation and be a bit embarrassed.

“I hope he’s alive. I really do,” she said, more to herself than anyone else. “It’s just hard to imagine right now.”

Melissa looked at her. “Do you remember what you said to him when he came to see you in the hospital?”

Scully remembered. “I told him I had the strength of his beliefs,” she said.

Melissa smiled at her, nodding. “Then prove it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a shame we didn’t get more Melissa/ Scully scenes. I really enjoyed seeing Scully interact with other women, and I loved the relationship she had with her sister. And the looks Melissa gave Mulder at the end of this episode? Yeah, both Scully women shipped it hard. As always, feedback is appreciated!


	3. This woman's work, this woman's world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully's cancer through the eyes of her mother.
> 
> "What she saw wasn’t mere concern for a work colleague, or for a friend. What she saw was fierce loyalty, and unwavering devotion. In this moment she knew, was absolutely certain this man was in love with her daughter."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during “Redux II.”

 

 

  
  
  


**MAGGIE**

**(1997)**

  


The hospital room was cold and the monitors were beeping endlessly, a sign of life for many, but in this moment a harbinger of doom. Maggie held her daughter tightly, so many emotions going through her mind. Dana was dying. There was nothing she could do about it and she felt completely powerless.

“I’ve come so far in my life on simple faith, and now when I need it the most I just push it away,” Dana said, clutching her tightly. “I mean… why, why do I wear this?”

She leaned back and pulled her gold cross necklace out from underneath her hospital robe, previously obscured but now in plain view.

“Why do I wear this, Mom? I put something that I don’t even know or understand under the skin of my neck.” She was talking about the small chip they’d inserted but held her cross at the same time. Maggie wondered if she’d intended or even noticed the double meaning.

“I subject myself to these crazy treatments and I keep telling myself I’m doing everything I can, but it’s a lie!”

Maggie knew this wasn’t true. “You have not lost your faith, Dana.”

“But I have, in a way,” Dana admitted. Maggie knew she meant her religious faith, the faith she’d all but abandoned years ago. Her daughter had placed her faith in science over religion for some time. But Maggie respected Dana’s beliefs in the same way she’d always respected her mother’s.

“When you asked Father McCue to administer to my faith, I just closed off to him.” Dana looked very upset. For her to entertain this now must be a cry of desperation and as much as Maggie would have liked her daughter to return to the faith, she knew the truth: it had become her last resort. Maggie had to refocus Dana’s attention.

“What’s important now is that you save your energy,” she suggested.

Dana looked at her, her eyes red and puffy. “I’m not getting better, Mom.”

“You don’t know that yet,” Maggie replied automatically.

“The PET scan showed no improvement,” Dana said bluntly. Then Maggie knew. This was truly the end, and Dana wanted some closure. She wanted something, anything to cling to to help ease her out of this life and into the next.

Maybe they didn’t have time for this. What Dana felt she needed was something Maggie knew was less important to her. What she needed was her family. What she needed was Fox.

She pulled her daughter close to her again, wondering how many more times she’d get to do so. The fear Maggie had seen in Dana’s eyes was more than just the fear of dying. It was the fear of losing everything, and knowing it was happening, knowing she could do nothing to stop it. All she could do was hold her tightly, and let her cry, and cry with her. The pain she felt in her heart was so acute she wasn’t sure what else to do. But she still wanted Dana to let her in. Maybe now she would.

“I know you’re afraid,” Maggie said, tears in her eyes. “I know you’re afraid to tell me, but you have to tell someone.”

Dana looked at her. “I am afraid, Mom. I’m afraid of leaving you daughterless. I’m afraid for Mulder, for what’s going to happen to him. I’m afraid of never seeing any of you again. I’m afraid that everything I thought I’d be able to do in life will never happen, not now, not ever.”

There wasn’t much to say, this was all so heartbreaking.

“Mostly I’m afraid of failing,” she said.

_There it is._

Maggie knew this had been on her daughter’s mind and heart for years. She’d been consumed with worry she’d failed her father, disappointed him. Maggie knew that hadn’t been true, and she thought Dana knew as much herself. But perhaps she had never truly accepted it.

“Dana, you have not failed. Your father would be proud of you. He loved you so much,” she said.

Dana shook her head and looked down at her lap. “I’m not talking about Dad.”

“Then… what do you mean, sweetheart?”

Dana looked up at her and bit her bottom lip. Whatever she had to say wasn’t easy. She looked down again.

“Tell me, Dana,” Maggie pleaded. She just wanted to know her daughter. It was all she wanted.

“I’m talking about Mulder,” she confessed. “I’m afraid of failing Mulder. Of dying on him before we’ve finished our work.”

Maggie was surprised. “Fox would never blame you for that, Dana.”

“Mom, I love you, but there’s no way you can possibly understand any of this, what’s happening, what we’re up against.”

“I would if you’d share it with me,” Maggie said.

Dana sighed. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I just don’t know how. You wouldn’t believe it. A lot of it I have a hard time believing myself.” She fingered the cross again, maybe unconsciously, but Maggie couldn’t help but feel the symbolism.

What was it Maggie wouldn’t believe? This fanciful science fiction they’d stuck in her neck? The men who seemed to be after her and Fox showing no signs of relenting? These monsters and aliens and other fantastic things they were supposed to be seeing on a daily basis?

Dana was right, she didn’t understand any of it. But there was one thing she did understand, one thing she could believe in.

“I may never understand all that, Dana, but there’s something I do know. You could never fail Fox. Just like you could never fail me, or your father. You need to believe in that.”

Dana just looked at her, her eyes filling with tears. She hugged her mother once again.

“Dana… you can tell me, you know. Do you love him?” Maggie could hardly believe she’d asked. But now was the moment to, now was the only moment. She felt Dana tense in her arms, then exhale.

“I don’t know, Mom. I’m so confused.”

It was more than she’d gotten out of her in years, and she felt grateful for Dana’s openness, if only at the moment. Rather than scare her away from the topic, she just listened.

“He’s the only person in my life who has ever understood me the way I’ve always needed. When I’m with him, it’s the only time I really feel like myself, completely. And I’m certainly not looking for anyone else. So… what does that mean, Mom? Do I love him?”

Maggie smiled over her shoulder. It was something good to hold onto in a dark time. “Of course you do, Dana. Why can’t you just say it?”

She pulled away. “What, to him?”

“Yes!”

She laughed. “I can’t even say it to you, Mom.”

Maggie looked at her daughter seriously. “You’re so much like your father. It makes me smile most of the time, but sometimes you both are so closed off with your feelings.” She still found herself speaking about Bill in the present tense at times. Her Ahab, still in her heart, always.

Dana shook her head. “I can’t say that to him. Everything is too complicated.”

“It’s not complicated at all,” Maggie disagreed. “It’s love.”

Dana sighed. Maggie looked her in the eyes and saw the shift. It was subtle, but she knew the topic was now off limits. She changed the subject.

“If you’d like, I can call Father McCue to come see you,” Maggie suggested. “If you think it might bring you some comfort.”

“That would be nice,” Dana agreed. Maggie smiled at her.

“I’ll go do that. You get some rest, honey.”

  
  
  


***

  
  


Maggie hadn’t been able to sleep. Tossing and turning, she knew there was only one place she could go. She’d stayed with Dana last night at the hospital and the doctors had told her to go home tonight, to get some rest.

But she couldn’t rest, knowing Dana could slip away from her at any moment. It was keeping her from approaching anything resembling sleep.

Last night she’d slept in a chair next to her daughter’s bedside. She’d had flashbacks to when Dana was a toddler and would wake in the middle of the night calling for her.

She would wake now, but this time only to call out for her partner. She’d call his name and then drift back to sleep. Maggie couldn’t describe how she felt when she heard this, knowing how intertwined these two were, having this firsthand proof. Perhaps it had been years of depending on each other so completely in situations where their lives were in danger. Perhaps it was something else.

Maggie liked Fox, she always had. She wasn’t sure exactly why, but he made Dana happy. She couldn’t count the times she’d been with her and Fox would call, needing something, and Dana was there for him in an instant, or he for her. Certainly the degree to which these two depended upon each other extended well beyond the requirements of a job.

He was her person and Maggie knew it; she could tell. In the end, which she fought back tears thinking about, that was all that mattered.

The halls of the hospital were dimly lit, and she saw a single night nurse as she passed and arrived at Dana’s room. Maggie quietly opened the door, peeked inside, and was not prepared for what she saw.

There, at Dana’s bedside, was Fox Mulder. In the middle of the night. He was asleep next to her, but it was more like he was part of her. He had pulled a chair up by her bedside and his head was next to hers, her hand in his.

What she saw wasn’t mere concern for a work colleague, or for a friend. What she saw was fierce loyalty, and unwavering devotion. In this moment she knew, was absolutely certain this man was in love with her daughter.

She closed the door, not wanting to intrude any longer on such a private moment. The night nurse walked over to her.

“Excuse me, but you’re Dana’s mother, right?”

“Yes,” Maggie replied.

“The man in there, he’s… your daughter’s husband?”

Maggie wasn’t sure what to say. She knew visiting hours were well beyond over. She didn’t want to lie, but she couldn’t fathom telling Fox he had to leave. Before she knew what she was doing she found herself nodding her head. The nurse nodded back and smiled.

“He’s been with her for at least an hour. I’ve seen him in here before, and I didn’t want to disturb them. Just making sure.”

“Thank you,” Maggie said kindly. The nurse went back to her station.

She found a chair just outside the room and sat, deciding it would be easier to wait than to go back home. Her mind raced.

She’d known, she’d always suspected there was more than met the eye with these two. But she still wasn’t entirely sure even they knew the extent of their own feelings. And they certainly hadn’t communicated them to each other. It was painful for her to think about if that was the case. Dana’s time was running out.

She fell asleep to these disturbing thoughts.

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


The door opened and startled her awake. Fox looked down and saw her sitting there.

“Oh, Mrs. Scully!” he said, surprised. “Have you been here long?”

She yawned. “Oh, just a little bit. I must have dozed off.”

“I’m sorry, if I’d known you were coming-“

“No, Fox. She needs you here too.”

He sat down next to her.

“Have you seen the doctors? Have you heard any news?” she asked him. He shook his head sadly.

“Just waiting now.”

They sat together in silence for a couple minutes. It was hard to think of anything to say. Fox finally spoke.

“I know you know this, but she’s an amazing person. She’s changed my life.”

Maggie looked over to him, and saw tears forming in his eyes. He wasn’t looking at her, he was looking straight ahead. It was as if he needed to tell someone this, and telling himself wasn’t enough.

She put her hand on his knee and patted it. “I’m sure she has.”

“You must think all this is silly. Our work, everything your daughter puts up with.”

“It’s not silly, Fox. It’s important to you, to you both.”

He nodded. “It is. But she’s important to me too. I want you to know that.” He turned to look at her now.

She just looked at him. He seemed so fragile, not the same man she was used to seeing turn up next to Dana wherever he might have in the past. He was always so sure of himself. Right now, he seemed lost.

“I’ve always done everything in my power to keep her safe. Always. But this…” he trailed off. “I can’t… _do_ anything. I can’t keep her safe anymore and it scares me.”

All Maggie could do was look at him, this man her daughter had chosen in spite of everything. He leaned forward with his head in his hands and she could hear his muffled voice.

“She has to survive this, she has to.” Maggie felt as if she could see his pain radiating through his body, as if he were somehow trying to will Dana to survive, to keep her from drifting away.

“I was thinking about that story you told me a couple years ago, the one with Scully and the snake?”

Maggie nodded, remembering.

“I can’t tell you how much I sympathize with that story right now, Mrs. Scully,” he said to her, his head still in his hands. “This powerlessness, wishing I could hold her hand, or touch her, and it could somehow will her back to life.”

He was speaking as if she had already died. It wasn’t the same this time as it was before. Disappearance, absence, had meant hope. Right now Dana was headed in one direction and they could all see it happening.

Maggie wondered about his sister, the one he’d been searching for. She tried to determine which was worse: knowing for certain a terrible outcome or not knowing how terrible the outcome might be?

“If you could make a deal with the devil to save her life, would you do it?” he practically whispered.

Maggie was surprised at the question. She knew Fox wasn’t a religious person. “You mean, the actual devil?”

He nodded and looked up at her. “As close to him as you could get in this life.”

Maggie considered his question. “I’m not sure. I think I would do just about anything to save my daughter’s life. But I don’t know… if Dana would want that… for me. For _my_ life.”

She wasn’t sure what he was getting at, but she knew whatever demons he was facing were ones Dana wouldn't want him to be battling, either. She squeezed his knee, and they sat together in mutual uncertainty. After a while he got up.

“I have to go. Please call if there’s any news.”

“Of course.” She smiled sadly up at him, knowing he had to go, but wishing he didn’t have to. She felt crazy for believing it but she thought his presence was somehow helping, that every breath he took in Dana’s vicinity was breathing life and fight back into her.

He _could_ will her back to life. She felt it.

The next afternoon she received the news Dana’s cancer had gone into remission. She wasn’t sure if it was the prayer, the science, or something else that had done it. But her very first call was to Fox Mulder.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mulder truly is a dark wizard.
> 
> (Dialogue from "Redux II" written by Chris Carter.)


	4. Ooh it's hard on the man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully begins to ponder motherhood, and asks Mulder for his ... help.
> 
> "She had hoped she wouldn’t have to say much for him to get it, to understand what she was asking him for. But he wasn’t clueing in yet; either his brain wasn’t moving as fast as it typically did, or as usual when it came to personal stuff, something was blocking the way. She was going to have to be the one to unblock it this time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after “Emily” and during the events of “Per Manum.”

 

 

 

 

**SCULLY**

**(1998)**

 

Scully sat in her brother’s house deep in thought. So much had transpired in the past few days and she hardly had time to process any of it.

She thought of Emily and all the events that had taken place for her to become a reality. Scully had been kidnapped, violated; returned, yes, but parts of her had been stolen. Parts she could never get back. She wondered where and how Emily had been created and for what purpose. The scientist part of her marveled at the technology and battled the other part of her that cursed the cruelty of such hubris.

She wondered how many more of these children were out there. How many were alive? How many had died just like Emily?

How many were her own children; children she would never know?

The little girl had suffered needlessly before she was even old enough to have enjoyed anything in life. Such a waste. It was all too much to take.

_How can a human being handle this much tragedy in such a small amount of time?_

She stared into space and hardly noticed when her mother sat down next to her.

“Dana, I know it’s silly to ask if you’re okay. But… will you be okay?”

“Yeah, I will,” she sighed. She knew she had done everything she could for Emily, but the pain was still fresh. “This whole thing has just got me thinking, Mom.”

“About what?”

She felt a bit guilty about what she was about to reveal but it was the truth. “About how much I want to have children. And how heartbreaking it is that I never will.”

She’d discussed it briefly with her mother when she first found out about her infertility, but hadn’t elaborated. It was something she now knew for sure she wanted, but time was passing faster than she was comfortable with and her current situation didn’t allow for the steps she needed to take to get there. The social worker had been right; who was she kidding? Even if she was able, she couldn’t raise a child _and_ work with the intensity she had been.

Her mother took her hand and sighed. “I know, Dana. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

She hadn’t told her mother much about Emily. What was she supposed to say? Her ova had been stolen from her and used to make children as experiments? It was ridiculous. How would anyone believe such a story? She wasn’t sure how much her mother would believe. But Emily had been hers, regardless of how far-fetched the truth was. The science did not lie. Coming to terms with that had been hard for her to accept regardless. She had no idea what her mother was thinking.

“There _are_ other ways to have children, you know,” Maggie added.

Scully nodded. Adoption was her only avenue at this juncture, and it was something she seriously needed to consider. What did she want right now? Would having a child mean giving up the X Files, giving up Mulder? What would he think about that? Not to mention the fact that she didn’t have anyone to have a child with. She didn’t really want to do it alone.

“Motherhood may just not be in the cards for me,” she sighed. “At least not right now.”

She knew this line of thinking would take her exactly where she always ended up: giving up something of her own for Mulder. It was her own choice, and she always chose it willingly. But it forced her to confront the feelings she’d recently become more aware of; feelings towards Mulder that were decidedly more than friendly. These feelings were beginning to tumble around in her mind in ways that intersected: Mulder as a partner. Mulder as a friend. Mulder as a lover. Mulder as a father. Thinking about this was all new and strange and scary but it was happening whether she wanted it to or not.

As if she’d willed him into existence, Mulder approached them. Maggie stood up and offered him her seat, then made herself scarce. Mulder sunk down next to Scully and his body naturally leaned into hers. She took the hint and leaned back, allowing him to give her the support she needed.

“You okay?”

She sighed. “I know it’s all anyone can say, and I get it. But I hate these situations. Everyone is just awkwardly asking me if I’m okay. You of all people don’t need to do that, Mulder.”

“You’re right, but when I say it, you know what I really mean.”

She did know. The words were one thing, the intent was another. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course.”

“Are you bored to tears?” Mulder had offered to accompany her to Bill’s house after Emily’s wake but she knew he’d probably rather be elsewhere.

“Not at all. Just prefer to be next to you.” He put his hand on her knee.

“What, you couldn’t find something to talk to my brother about?” He and Bill hadn’t gone near each other all day and she had noticed. Bill had been protective of her in the past but him behaving that way around Mulder amused her a bit. It was as if Bill assumed they were a couple or something.

“Yeah, no… he kind of… doesn’t like me very much,” Mulder admitted. She felt as if he had more to say but he didn’t elaborate.

“Hmm. Wonder what that’s about?” She and Mulder had been a bit more playful with each other lately, and she couldn’t help but wonder why. Maybe coming so close to dying had given her more courage.

Mulder shrugged. “Hey, I was gonna go get some coffee, you want some?”

“No, I-“ she stopped, as her brother approached them. Maybe now she could get to the bottom of this.

“How are you, Dana? You okay? Can I get you something? Coffee?” Bill offered, with nary a glance at Mulder.

“No thank you, Bill, I’m fine.” Bill nodded and was about to depart, but she couldn’t help herself. “But Mulder was just saying he could use some coffee, actually.”

Bill’s face turned red and he briefly glanced in Mulder’s direction. She then saw him look pointedly down at Mulder’s hand resting on her knee.

She wasn’t sure if the desire to piss off her brother or keep Mulder's hand on her knee was a bigger motivator, but she decided to test her theory. She covered Mulder’s hand with her own and kept looking at Bill.

Mulder started to shake his head. “No, it’s okay, I’m fine.”

“Bill? Could you please get him some?” Scully pressed.

She could tell it was killing him but he was the man of the house, and Scully knew he wouldn’t deny a guest refreshment.

“Mm-hmm,” he gritted. “How do you take it, Mr. Mulder?”

“Just black is fine, thanks,” Mulder said. He was clearly embarrassed but for some reason Scully was enjoying it all. Any bit of levity on this dark day was welcomed. Bill turned to retrieve the coffee and they were alone again.

“He's going to poison it, Scully,” Mulder said softly into her ear, and she laughed. His breath made a chill travel down her spine. These simple actions from him were getting more and more difficult to tolerate without conjuring up inappropriate images in her mind.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. He shouldn’t be rude to you, though,” she replied.

She noticed he had made no effort to disengage his hand from hers, and at some point had in fact shifted it to intertwine their fingers together. She was amazed at how it made her feel better, as if just this touch was taking in her pain, making it his own burden. She could always count on him for that.

With everything that was on her mind she started thinking again about Mulder as a father. She couldn’t help it. What would that look like? He said in the car after they left the wake that it wasn’t something he’d ever really thought about, but what if it could be?

Suddenly she found herself imagining making a baby with him. Not the “making” part, although she’d imagined that plenty of times. But the part where he held a baby in his arms, a baby that was half him and half her, and they would look at each other and know it was right. The two of them together with a baby felt right to her.

That would never happen, for a hundred different reasons. Primarily because she was too afraid to tell him as much, but obviously there were other issues, ones she had no control over. Having a baby that was biologically hers, let alone his, was something her body couldn’t do anymore, plain and simple. So all this daydreaming was for naught.

Now wasn’t the time to think about this, however. Now was the time to grieve for the little girl who never had a chance at life. She held Mulder’s hand and breathed him in, the best thing in her life right now, the truest thing in her life right now.

 

 

**(1999)**

 

Focusing on work had been impossible. She had something important to ask Mulder and she could not for the life of her figure out how to broach the topic.

All afternoon, ever since she’d returned to work from her doctor's appointment, she had one thing on her mind: Mulder’s sperm. And not in the way she might typically think about that subject.

It was ironic, that for a while now she’d been wanting to get at it for a different reason and now she was in a position where she had to ask him directly for it.

She didn’t _have_ to, she knew this. She could accept an anonymous donation. But she also knew in her heart that no one could father her children but him. Nothing else felt right. She’d known this for longer than she’d care to admit. Now she had a chance to make that a reality and she was not going to let that opportunity pass her by.

It didn’t make the asking part any easier, however, as they entered the FBI parking garage. Every step took them closer and closer to their cars and separation and another opportunity squandered. She was running out of time.

Mulder was going on and on about a case, and hadn’t stopped talking for about ten straight minutes. Her disinterested silence hadn’t prevented this in any way. She was deep in thought and had no idea what he was talking about.

_Just fucking ask him, Dana._

“Mulder, stop talking for a second.” They had just arrived at her car. Now was the time.

He looked chastened. “Okay.”

She looked at the ground, then back up at him. She had to just do it. This request had a time table. Her hand was being forced.

“So, I took the ova you found to a specialist for that second opinion today.”

“Oh. ...uh huh?”

“And he told me there’s a chance, that it might… actually work.”

Mulder’s expression softened and he looked into her eyes. “Scully, that’s… that’s fantastic news,” he smiled. He looked relieved, and she wondered how much guilt regarding her reproductive agency he had saddled upon his own shoulders. “You waited all afternoon to tell me this?”

“I’m sorry, I’ve had.. a lot on my mind,” she admitted, smiling and looking past him, finding it hard to meet his gaze. “It is, it’s great news.”

She had hoped she wouldn’t have to say much for him to get it, to understand what she was asking him for. But he wasn’t clueing in yet; either his brain wasn’t moving as fast as it typically did, or as usual when it came to personal stuff, something was blocking the way. She was going to have to be the one to unblock it this time.

“I have an appointment in a couple days to get started on the process, only there’s… something else I need... to get going.”

Mulder looked at her blankly. Could he really be so dense? Or was this so far out of the realm of his imagination he hadn’t even considered it before?

Maybe this was entirely stupid and irresponsible. She suddenly started second guessing herself. Having kids together was a life altering decision, and one typically couples had to make. They weren’t a couple, not in the traditional sense of the word, but they were bound together regardless. They both knew it. Didn’t that count for something?

Scully had no idea if Mulder had any interest in being a father. That wasn’t really what she would be asking him for today, though. This was about science, about genetic material. And she knew, she was one hundred percent sure she wanted him to be the other half of her child. She had to at least try. She was committed, there was no backing down now.

“Mulder, I’m asking you to be the donor. If that’s something you’d… consider.”

Realization dawned across his face and in nearly seven years of working together she had never seen him look so stunned.

“Wow, Scully, I…” he kept looking her directly in the eyes and it unnerved her. She was so fucking nervous right now she didn’t know how he was able to do that. But his eyes were soft and gentle, and she could see there were a million thoughts going on inside them right now. She wondered if he was picturing what this would look like, with her. If he would want to help her, or be involved. If he even wanted any of this.

Mostly she wondered if he loved her as much as she loved him. She wondered if she would ever be brave enough to tell him that.

"That’s a pretty big ask, right there,” he grinned. “Can I think about it?”

She wasn’t sure if this was stage one of Operation No Thank You or if he truly just needed some time to think about it. She decided on the latter with hope in her heart, thinking of how long she’d been dreaming about this, how sure she was that he was the only person she could possibly ask. Even if the thought of making a baby with her had crossed Mulder’s mind over the years, this certainly wasn’t the way he would have expected it to happen. Their relationship was in a strange place right now.

Scully studied a piece of gum on the parking garage floor and had a urge to reach out for his hand. Something, some physical connection with him was what she needed right now. But she had made such a leap with him already this evening. She didn’t want to push her luck.

Mulder, however, did it for her. He took her hand and tugged on it a bit until she finally looked up into his eyes. He smiled gently.

“What would this… mean? For us? I mean, my role in this? What would you want that to be?”

“Well, we’d have to talk about that.” She said it simply, as if this were a conversation that would just… happen. She was starting to realize if he said yes, this process was going to continue to prove itself more and more confusing over time. But she had no other option. Now was the only time this could work.

“I’m going to think about this, okay? Can I come by your place later?”

She nodded. “Come over as late as you want, I’ll be up.”  

“I know how important this is to you, Scully,” he said. “I promise you I will take this seriously.”

All she could do was nod and smile at him. Before she could stop herself she threw her arms around his neck and was hugging him tightly. He returned the hug and laid his head on top of hers, rubbing her back.

After a minute she extracted herself, smiling awkwardly at him, and got into her car. He stood at her window, not moving as she turned the car on and backed out. His eyes didn’t leave her until she was out of sight.

  



	5. Now his part is over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during the events of “Per Manum” and “The Unnatural.”
> 
> “This might sound strange to you. I don’t even know what to make of it myself. But… somehow I know Mulder is going to be in my life forever. I can feel it. And if this works, Mom, and there’s… a baby,” she smiled and looked at her mug, her happiness barely containing itself, “I just can’t imagine it being… anyone else’s."

 

 

 

**MAGGIE**

**(1999)**

 

Dana had turned up at her door flustered and distracted. Maggie wasn’t used to seeing her that way; her daughter was very much in control most of the time and preferred things that way.

“Dana, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing,” she said unconvincingly, and stepped into the house. “I just wanted to… talk to you about some stuff.”

These words were welcome to Maggie’s ears but she could tell something was off. She led her daughter into the kitchen.

“Of course, you can talk to me about anything, honey.” Maggie had just made a kettle of tea and poured Dana a cup. They sat down across from each other at the kitchen table.

Dana cautiously began. “I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about this. I wanted to tell you earlier but I wasn’t sure if it was really real or not. I wanted to have… all the information.”

Maggie felt her stomach drop, remembering when Dana had said the same thing before she’d told her she had cancer.

_Oh, God. Was the cancer back? Oh, God._

“What is it, Dana?” She was alarmed, but tried not to show as much.

She looked as if she wasn’t sure how to proceed. “You remember, a couple years ago, when I told you I wasn’t able to have children?”

Maggie was a bit taken aback. “Yes, sweetheart, I remember.”

“Well, I found out that there might be… a possibility, Mom. A possibility that I could maybe… get pregnant.”

Maggie was stunned. “Dana, that’s wonderful news! How did this all come about?”

“It’s… complicated. But they were able to retrieve some of my ova and the specialist said… well, maybe,” she was nodding and smiling. “It could work.”

“This is… well, wonderful. What are you going to do? Can they freeze them, or whatever it is they do these days? It’s all so amazing what they can do these days.”

“They could,” Dana started. Maggie sensed there was a ‘but’ coming.

“But…?”

“Well, this is the part I’m not sure how you’ll feel about,” she said hesitantly. “The chances are better the sooner we start. So I’m going to do this, Mom. Now. For real.”

Maggie felt several conflicting emotions at that moment but the dominant one was pleasure. Dana wanted to have children, and now maybe she could after all. But her mind then naturally wandered to the most obvious problem. Dana wasn’t married. She didn’t have a boyfriend, or anything really resembling one. What were her plans on that front?

“If this is what you want right now, Dana, I’m very happy for you. But I think my next question is obvious.”

“The father.”

Maggie knew it wasn’t _not_ going to come up. And Dana had brought this to her today, had confided in her. She couldn’t possibly expect her to stop her questioning here.

“Will you be using... a donor, then? Are you thinking someone anonymous? Are you sure this is something you want to do alone?”

Maggie was not prepared for the next words that came out of her daughter’s mouth.

“Actually,” she said as she looked intently into her mug, “I... asked Mulder.”

Maggie was shocked, but at the same time felt stupid for not even considering it. Despite all the obvious obstacles to such a scenario, it made sense Dana would ask her best friend to help her do this. But… _about those_ _obstacles._

“Do you think that’s… wise, honey?”

Dana looked like it was the first thing she expected to hear but the last thing she wanted to hear.

“It was stupid, wasn’t it? I knew it,” she dropped her face into her hands and exhaled in exasperation. “I had a feeling it was stupid.”

“Sweetheart, it wasn’t stupid. Why are you so upset? Did he say no?”

Dana shook her head, still in her hands. “I just asked him, right before I came over here. After work. He said he had to think it over. Oh my God, you’re right, it was stupid. He’s going to say no and then everything is going to be so awkward.”

“Dana, it was _not_ stupid. I never said that. I only meant… did you think about this? Did you think about how that would work moving forward? How he would be involved, _if_ he would be involved?”

Dana looked up and stared at her in horror. “No! I didn’t think about any of that!” She started breathing heavily in what Maggie could only describe as the beginning of some kind of panic attack.

“I didn’t think, Mom. It was so unlike me. I guess I just assumed we’d figure out all the details later. I just knew... that I had to at least ask him. I had to try.”

“Can I ask… why?”

“Because…” Dana sputtered. “He’s my friend. I trust him. I care for him, and I know he cares about me, and would care about this baby.” Her eyes were wide and she looked confused.

“Calm down, okay?” Maggie came around the table to sit next to her and put her arm around her shoulders. “It’s going to be fine. I’m sure he was flattered you asked him.”

“‘Flattered?’ Oh my God, Mom, don’t say that! That’s the worst thing he could feel!” She kept shaking her head. “What was I thinking? Why would he want to do this? He’s not interested in children. I’m not his wife. I’m not his girlfriend. What must he be thinking now?”

Maggie wanted to laugh. She didn’t, but it was so nice to share a moment with her daughter that was about something good, something hopeful. Seeing Dana flustered, out of control, even panicked was a state she wasn’t used to seeing her in. But she knew Dana was overreacting, regardless of Fox’s answer on the matter.

“Maybe he will say no. And you need to be prepared for that. If he does, I promise you it won’t change a thing. He will still be Fox, he will still care for you, everything will be fine.”

Dana’s breathing started to calm down and she looked at her mother, nodding.

“But maybe he’ll say yes, Dana.” Maggie’s eyes widened and she smiled. “Have you thought about that?”

Dana’s eyes softened and she bit her lip. “I’ve tried to think about it. I don’t know what to think about it. This all happened so fast, too fast.”

“Maybe you’ll get everything you ever wanted,” Maggie said hopefully. She wondered what her daughter would infer from this. A baby, surely, but maybe something more?

“Maybe,” she said quietly. “I don’t think I even know what I want.”

Dana sat back into her chair, the wood creaking, looking thoughtful. Maggie waited. The kitchen was quiet, the only sound was the soft ticking of the wall clock, its pendulum swinging back and forth.

“Can I be honest with you, Mom?”

Maggie thought she’d never ask. “Yes, please.”

“This might sound strange to you. I don’t even know what to make of it myself. But… somehow I know Mulder is going to be in my life forever. I can feel it. And if this works, Mom, and there’s… a baby,” she smiled and looked at her mug, her happiness barely containing itself, “I just can’t imagine it being… anyone else’s. It sounds so silly, I know.” She immediately looked embarrassed for saying as much, and held her face in her hands again, elbows on the table.

“It doesn’t sound silly at all,” her mother assured her. Although Dana wasn’t being completely honest with her right now, she felt she knew the truth: that her daughter in fact loved this man and hadn’t told him. That was what they were dealing with.

“And after the whole hallway thing…” Dana was staring out into space as if talking to herself and her eyes widened and darted over to her mother. She bit her lip again as if she’d revealed too much.

“What? What hallway thing?” Maggie felt like she’d struck a bit of gold.

“Nothing, forget it,” Dana began, and for a moment Maggie thought this unsatisfying answer was all she’d get today. It was like Dana was sixteen again and offering just as little exciting information now as she did back then. But then: “He... tried to kiss me. Outside his apartment.”

Maggie physically reacted. “Wait. He did? When? What happened?”

“It was months ago, before… you know. Antarctica.”

Maggie remembered. It was yet another wild story Dana had shared, something she’d hardly believe herself if she wasn’t convinced her daughter was not simply a storyteller. In this particular tale, Dana had been kidnapped and taken halfway across the world. Fox had gone to the literal ends of the earth to rescue her, and somehow Dana _still_ doubted his feelings for her. It all seemed so obvious from the outside. She didn’t envy either of them, stuck in this state of denial on the inside.

“What do you mean he _tried_ to kiss you?”

Dana looked embarrassed again. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this,” she said, shaking her head and smiling. “It was going to happen. We both knew it. Then we were… interrupted.”

“How?”

Dana waved her hand in front of her face. “Well, there was this… bee… it doesn’t matter. It never happened again. I feel like too much time has passed now.”

 _A bee? They hadn’t kissed because of a damned bee? These two,_ she thought, exasperated.

“But… there was something there. Something I had a feeling might be. I can’t just forget about that now, Mom. So… when I say I’m sure he’ll be in my life in the future, I can’t help but wonder in what capacity.”

“And... that’s why you asked him to do this?”

Dana leveled her eyes at her mother. “If you’re suggesting I asked him to be the father of my child to push our relationship forward, you’re mistaken,” she said very seriously.

“I’m not suggesting that,” Maggie countered. “But I wasn’t the one who asked him. _You_ did. So… what exactly do you mean, honey?”

Dana sighed. “I don’t know, honestly. I don’t know what I mean.” Maggie had the distinct impression she was retreating yet again. That she wanted to tell her the truth, she wanted to tell her she loved him and knew he loved her and knew this was something they both might have in the future anyway. But she didn’t.

“I’m sure he’s got some pretty great genes, in any event,” Maggie pointed out, smiling, an eyebrow raised.

Dana smiled, in spite of the conflict Maggie knew she must be feeling. “Yeah, there’s definitely that.” She sighed again.

They were both quiet for a moment. Maggie just sat in deep thought. This entire thing was such a huge admission from her daughter, one she had been waiting for. Suddenly, consequences and logistics be damned, she felt deeply compelled to pray to God that Fox say yes to this, yes to helping Dana start a family of her own, of _their_ own.

“I hope he says yes, Dana. I really do.”

“Me too. Even though I have no clue what our next conversation about this will be like.” Dana shook her head. “It’s just going to get more and more complicated.”

This much was certain. Maggie could only hope, if this worked, it would force these two to actually talk about some of these feelings. Whether Dana intended it to be or not, it just might be the push they needed.

“Anyway, I have to get home, Mom. Mulder could be coming over at any time to tell me his answer.”

Her mother nodded and they both got up. Maggie started walking with her to the door.

“You two will figure it out,” she said gently, as she took Dana’s hand. “Let’s wait and see what he says, first. You can cross that bridge when you come to it. The best things in life are always the most unexpected, Dana. And this could be the best thing in yours.”

 

***

 

“So what’s the occasion?”

Dana had invited Maggie over for dinner, not an uncommon occurrence but she seemed to be in a particularly good mood today. They were standing in the kitchen, Dana cooking.

“Well, I had the implantation procedure a couple days ago. Fingers crossed now, all we can really do is wait.”

When she’d told Maggie that Fox had said yes to being the father of her child, it had given her such comfort; that whatever his reasons might have been, he had agreed to being bound to Dana for life. Regardless of what their future held, she knew friendship like that was rare, and she was pleased Dana had found such a friend.

“That’s wonderful! I’ll be praying for you.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Did Fox go with you? To your appointment?” Now she was just digging for dirt and she knew it.

“Well, I told him he didn’t have to, but he insisted,” she said. “It was very sweet, actually. He brought me home and stayed over a bit because I was supposed to rest for the day.” She smiled as she chopped up some carrots. Maggie loved to see her daughter smiling, so she enjoyed every second she could get.

Rather than ruin the moment with more questions, she just sat at Dana’s table and they talked about other things. After a few minutes Dana’s hand went to her pocket and pulled out her phone.

"Hang on, I have a message on my answering service. It says urgent, sorry,” she apologized. She punched in a code and held the phone to her ear. For a second she looked confused, then a huge grin spread across her face and her eyes darted to the ground. As if she suddenly realized her mother was watching her, she spun around, her back to her, and busied herself looking for nothing in particular on her countertop. Maggie knew that look on her daughter’s face and unless there was some new handsome stranger in Dana’s life, there was only one person who could have left her that message.

After a minute, she closed the phone and went back to making the salad, trying and failing to keep the smile off her face.

“... Urgent? Well?” Maggie asked.

“It wasn’t urgent, it was just Mulder being silly. Sorry about that.” She did her best to look natural again but Maggie could tell her mind was racing a mile a minute. And if she wasn’t entirely mistaken, her heart as well.

“And what did he have to say?”

“Oh I don’t know. Something about baseball. He’s been all about baseball all day. He wants me to meet him for… something.”

“Mmm-hmm,” Maggie said, nodding. She smiled and Dana looked at her.

“Stop that,” Dana said pointedly, but smiled back at her all the same. Maggie held both hands up in resignation.

“I didn’t say anything,” she replied. “What can I do in here, can I help you with something?”

“You can set the table, thanks.”

Dana served up their dinner and as they ate, Maggie noticed her eyes kept looking up at the clock on the wall.

“Sweetheart, if you want to go, I will not be offended.”

“No, no, he can wait.”

Her face was inscrutable, as usual. She wasn’t sure if this good mood was coming from Dana’s possible pregnancy, or from an apparent hope that there was something exciting in the future for her and Fox. But Maggie wasn’t complaining.

After dinner, Maggie had never been so happily rushed out of her daughter’s apartment. As she drove away she couldn’t help but smile and wonder what kind of adventure Fox was cooking up for Dana this time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scully’s mood in “The Unnatural” always felt so unusually good to me. I thought she might be so happy because she knew this hopeful thing was happening, and Mulder obviously knew it too. It gives one of my favorite scenes of the series another layer and gives a little new meaning to how Mulder is touching her during the whole "hips before hands" business :) It also made me feel better about his (otherwise pretty thoughtless) biological clock joke, because this is literally the only possible moment in time he could get away with making a joke like that.


	6. All the things I should've said that I never said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I already tackled Scully and Mulder’s first time (reference: Culmination chapters [7](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748734/chapters/34238801) and [8](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748734/chapters/34270059)), so naturally, I present to you their second :)
> 
> "She loved him, mind, body and soul. She was all in. But love took all kinds of forms, as she was only too aware. She felt love from him last night, she just wasn’t sure which kind. She wanted to believe he loved her the way she loved him, but they’d never said it to each other, and for some reason she was still afraid to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after “all things” and “Je Souhaite.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**SCULLY**

**(2000)**

 

The day had been full of paperwork and sexual tension, just as Scully expected. Even though it was no longer terribly awkward, the dynamic between them had shifted exactly as she anticipated. The tension had always been there, but now that it had been resolved it felt different.

They’d been through so much together: shot, kidnapped, tortured, near death. It was inevitable they’d have gotten here at some point. Even with everything they’d been through, their own denial had been their biggest hurdle. An active choice to get naked with each other had been a long time coming.

Not to mention it had been the best sex of her life.

Mulder didn’t have “moves.” It wasn’t that he was a particularly good lover. But he had been _her_ lover, finally, and that had made all the difference. He was engaged and focused completely on her. Everything he’d done was through the scope of his passion and it made him good. She knew this because she knew him.

She didn’t consider herself terribly experienced in the sexual arena. A couple guys in college. Daniel, of course. Jack, which hadn’t lasted for very long. Ethan. And Ed Jerse, whom she’d just as soon forget for all kinds of reasons.

This was different. She and Mulder were so intertwined in every other aspect of their lives, it made sense this part would naturally fall into place. He had taken up residence in her mind and heart so long ago it was hard to believe it had taken seven years for her to feel him inside her in a physical way.

She struggled to focus on paperwork but it was difficult; she was too busy remembering his hands on her, his mouth on her, his voice whispering her name into her ear after they’d both crashed down together. Amazing. Perfect. She felt incredibly lucky it had been so good and her rational brain was working hard to figure out why.

She’d never been in love before. Maybe that had something to do with it.

She had left him in the middle of the night because, as usual, she wasn’t ready to confront her feelings. She knew it would be awkward, but that they’d move past it. When she’d come into the office this morning she wasn’t sure what to expect. She should have known he’d do whatever he could to relax them both, make her comfortable. She had been grateful for it.

After about twenty minutes passed they were both just… working, as if nothing had even changed between them. As the day went on she started to process their encounter less viscerally and more logically, as she was wont to do.

Not much _had_ changed, not really. They both meant so much to each other before the sex occurred, it was almost odd to picture it changing them much at all, in hindsight.

The change came when she thought about them moving forward. Where would they go from here? Did he want the same things she wanted? And if he didn’t, which she suspected might be the case, could he now, with her? After the in-vitro had failed, they’d never discussed it again, obviously. They weren’t in any position to.

She’d known for a while now there was no one else but him. Melissa had been right, she thought with a smile: Mulder _was_ the guy for her. She was more certain of that than she’d ever been about anything, and she was a goddamned scientist. Last night had only confirmed something she’d already known, already felt in her heart.

She loved him, mind, body and soul. She was all in. But love took all kinds of forms, as she was only too aware. She felt love from him last night, she just wasn’t sure which kind. She wanted to believe he loved her the way she loved him, but they’d never said it to each other, and for some reason she was still afraid to.

Well, he’d said it to her once. But he wasn’t himself at the time, not really. And it was well before their relationship had changed in this way. She couldn’t be sure if it counted.

Right now, she felt something she wasn’t used to feeling: the urge to tell someone about last night. Anyone. It was funny, because usually if there was something she was excited about she’d tell Mulder.

She hated to admit it but she didn’t really have many girlfriends anymore, at least none she could call up and say “ _Hey, guess what? I finally banged it out with my partner!”_ Mulder had taken over her life in every way, and she’d allowed it.

She wished Missy were still alive. She imagined that phone call, went over it in her mind, and it almost sufficed.

She couldn’t tell her mother about this. It wasn’t that they weren’t close, and she knew her mother would only be happy for her. Considering some of the conversations they’d had lately, she was certain this probably wouldn’t come as a huge shock. It was because she didn’t know what she and Mulder were now, not really, and she was embarrassed to admit to her traditional Catholic mother she was sleeping with Mulder when she had no idea what it meant or where it was headed, if anywhere.

They’d made no promises. They had no rules. Everything was so uncertain. Fantastic, but nebulous. She didn’t know what to call this thing between them.

No, she wasn’t ready for her mother to know anything had changed. Not yet.

“Hey, Scully.”

Mulder’s voice came suddenly and she looked up, so deep in thought she’d lost track of time. It was past nine, much later than either of them usually stayed at work. She wondered if they were both subconsciously delaying the inevitable.

“Do you... want to come over?” he asked, a bit haltingly, eyebrows raised.

They’d already made it pretty clear earlier that the sex was going to happen again. He knew it, she knew it. It was new and exciting. She’d be lying if she said she couldn’t wait much longer for it to happen again. He’d awakened the long-dormant beast inside her and now it was ravenous.

“Yes,” she said simply. There was enough confusion in their lives right now to mess around with mixed signals. This, she could do. This, they would do.

He grinned. “I had no idea you were so easy, Scully.”

“You never asked, did you?”

She felt heat rise up between them as if the desk itself were a stovetop. His place? Hardly. She wondered if they’d even make it out of the office.

She didn’t have to wonder long.

He got up out of his chair and moved around the desk towards her, his eyes hungry. She could get used to that look. As he closed in on her she rose out of her own chair to meet him and their mouths crashed into each other with ferocity.

Mulder walked her backwards toward the door of the office, their hands buried in each others’ hair as they devoured each other, never breaking contact. She felt her head get fuzzy and tried to focus on everything she was far too overwhelmed to focus on the night before. His taste, his scent, all of it so distinctly Mulder yet somehow brand new. She couldn’t get enough of it.

In one fluid motion he shut the door behind her and locked it. His hands went immediately to her shirt and started to unbutton it and she fumbled with his tie. She was typically pretty good at multitasking but those times she didn’t have Mulder’s tongue down her throat. It was, however, a welcome challenge.

He succeeded in fully unbuttoning her shirt and peeled it off her, as she struggled with his tie. It seemed the more she tried to untie it the tighter the knot became so she gave up and moved on to his shirt, making quick work of shedding it.

They pulled apart and looked at each other, breathing heavily. His tie just hanging there over his bare chest was so hot she was glad she sucked at untying knots.

“I still don’t believe this is real,” he said, his chest heaving up and down. “I’m kissing you. Naked. In our office.”

“We’re not naked,” she pointed out.

“Not yet,” he said, smiling.

He started to remove his tie and she stopped him. “No, leave it. I like it.”

He smiled and kissed her again, and they lived inside it for a while, both unwilling to let it end even for a second. Finally he ventured away, his lips moving to her cheek then her earlobe.

“ _Scully…_ ” he whispered into her ear, his tongue grazing it ever so softly. She closed her eyes, loving the sound of her name when he said it that way, when he was so close to her like this, wanting her. This was real. Last night was real. It all may as well be a dream, but it wasn’t.

His kisses slowly trailed down her neck, lower, and lower. She briefly wondered if their office was under surveillance. It probably was, she had to admit to herself. The odds were against them in that department.

 _Let them watch, whoever they are_ , she thought. Her brain wasn't functioning the way it normally would. She didn’t give a fuck at the moment.

She gripped the back of his head and imagined she was watching the entire thing from outside of herself. An image flashed in her mind of the two of them standing there against the wall, her in her skirt and bra and him in just pants and a tie, and she felt a voyeuristic thrill about the whole thing. She could feel every muscle in her body impatiently react to his touch and couldn’t remember ever wanting anyone so badly in her life.

It suddenly occurred to her she might come, right here, right now. Would he mind?

Once the possibility entered her brain she quickly realized she was going to find out regardless. It was all too much, him whispering her name like that, his tongue working its way down her body. Her well-worn fantasy of doing exactly this with Mulder in their office was becoming a reality, and it was enough to break her apart. She cried out his name and threw her arms around his neck, her knees going weak. He stood and held her up, pulling her close, and wrapped himself around her as her body quivered in his arms.

“Goddamn, Scully,” he said, chuckling softly.

She held onto him, breathing heavily, then leaned against him, his skin radiating heat that could only mean he wasn’t terribly far behind.

“Sorry, that was… just give me a second,” she panted.

“Don’t be sorry, now I need a second too,” he said, and they stood breathing together in sync, their bodies pressed together. He kissed her cheek softly and waited as they calmed a bit.

She felt herself experiencing a bit of that Catholic guilt she thought had gone away years ago. She wasn’t a prude by any stretch but now and again it crept in. This wasn’t the kind of scenario she was used to finding herself in. Plus, this was _Mulder_ doing this to her, making her lose herself in this way. It was sensory overload.

She started thinking about endorphins and hormones and neurons firing in her brain, anything to help calm her down a bit, bringing her back to here and now, back to him.

After a minute he started kissing her face again, softly. After every few short kisses he would gently pull his head away so he could look into her eyes, then move in again for more. She figured he was trying to slow down for her sake, but that wasn’t what she wanted. So many years of going without needed to be addressed before they could learn to slow down.

She wondered if he was actually thinking the same thing because just then his hands were behind her back, unclasping her bra, and suddenly she was baring everything from the waist up under the fluorescent lights of their office.

She hadn’t been self-conscious last night, in his bedroom, in the dark. She’d been oddly comfortable then. But this was different; she felt vulnerable here. The bright lights, the fact that they were at work and anyone could come knocking at any second. The stark reality of the situation rendered her a bit nervous.

She didn’t want him to see her cover herself so she leaned into him, pressing into his chest, wrapping her arms around his back and holding him there. She’d intended it as a self-protective measure but she quickly realized being chest to naked chest with him while their fingers traced the contours of each other’s backs was exactly where she wanted to be. They kissed a little longer like that until he stopped and whispered into her ear.

“I want to see you, Scully.”

She rested her chin on his shoulder. She knew it was silly. It wasn’t as if she felt unattractive or awkward. It was all just so new. This was Mulder. She was letting him in, in a way she rarely let anyone in. It still felt like they needed to take baby steps, even after all this time.

Slowly she leaned back away from him, and he looked at her. What she saw in his face was new, too. Whatever it was, it was good.

She didn’t need him to tell her he approved with his words. But he told her with his mouth all the same, as he gently brought his lips to her skin, and slowly started to kneel down in front of her. He tugged at her skirt and started pulling it down over her hips.

She couldn’t believe this was happening, that her partner Mulder was now her lover and doing things to her she’d imagined countless times while sitting in this very office.

_The office._

Suddenly a switch was thrown in her brain.

“Mulder.”

He stopped and looked up.

“What are we doing?” she asked.

He looked confused. “Scully, I thought you were a doctor.”

“No, I mean… we shouldn’t do this here. At work. I don’t know, I don’t think- it’s probably not wise. Right?”

He stood up slowly and held her by the shoulders.

“Scully, I love this brain,” he said as he kissed her forehead. “It’s amazing. And it’s gotten us further in our work than I ever imagined we could go.” He looked her in the eye. “But right now, I want you to stop _thinking_ so much and just _be here_ with me. Can you do that?”

She nodded. He was right. And as usual when he looked at her with those eyes she couldn’t bring herself to say no to anything, even if she wanted to.

“Yes, I can. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and smiled. “Stop saying you’re sorry, there’s nothing to be sorry about. Maybe we don’t make the office a repeat rendezvous. But this is definitely, one hundred percent the thing you and I should be doing right now.”

She put her arms around his neck. _Repeat rendezvous._ That he was interested in a repeat anything was good news. “It is. You’re right. As usual.”

He looked her in the eye. “Say that again,” he growled.

A tiny smile formed at the edge of her mouth. “You’re right, Mulder.”

He grinned and kissed her again, pulling her down with him to the floor. She laughed, letting herself fall. Even further.

 

***

 

Scully awoke to the phone ringing. Maybe it was Mulder’s phone? She wasn’t sure, it was early and their rings sounded the same. She could barely lift her eyelids open she was so tired.

She remembered she was at his apartment again. They’d just returned from Missouri and she realized she actually hadn’t been home in days. This new relationship she and Mulder had found themselves in had been going on for about a month, and although they still hadn’t discussed exactly what they were now, they’d managed to fall into a somewhat comfortable routine.

She lifted her head up and peeked over his bare shoulder blades, and on the other side as if miles away was the loud ringing culprit. She didn’t know what time it was, but it was way too early on a Sunday to be answering to anyone, she knew that much. She closed her eyes and let it ring.

Then she heard him shift in the bed. “...M-Mulder.”

His voice was low, gravelly, sleepy. She wasn’t entirely convinced he was even fully awake. A few seconds passed.

“No, it’s… _Oh_. Um.” He sounded awake now.

She wasn’t curious yet, she was just tired. She wished he wouldn’t answer his work phone on a weekend but the possibility of some new case was always his primary concern. She couldn’t be mad. She’d known this as long as she’d known him. She knew this when she started sleeping with him.

“Yeah, um… hang on a second.”

He flipped over in the bed and he was wearing his panic face. _Sorry,_ he mouthed, and grimaced. He handed over her phone.

 _Her_ phone. Shit.

She took it gingerly, like a loaded weapon, knowing exactly who it must be, all that entailed, and everything else she needed to know from his face alone, as usual. She braced herself.

“...Hello?”

_“Dana?”_

_Fuck._

“Hi, Mom.” She sat up in bed, holding the sheet to her chest.

_“Was that... Fox who answered your phone?”_

Everything had happened so fast, she knew the jig was up. It had to be. Their sleepy voices, her being right next to him. None of those details even mattered because her mother wasn’t an idiot.

“Yeah, he… yeah, it was.” She didn’t offer any explanation. It was way too early to come up with something clever. She hadn’t even had coffee yet.

Her fingers moved to her forehead and she pinched it in embarrassment as Mulder’s face quickly changed from apology to joviality. He gave her the stupidest grin and started chuckling. She knew he was loving every second of this. She covered his mouth with her hand and gave him a death glare.

_“I tried you at home, are you not… there?”_

“No,” she sighed. “I’m not.” Again, she couldn’t think of anything else to say. Her mom now probably knew she was fucking Mulder and they would all just have to deal with that.

_“Okay. Well, I left a message last night on your answering machine. I suppose you haven’t been home.”_

“I’ve been out of town, on a case. We- I just got back.”

_“Well, I was calling to see if you wanted to join me at church this morning.”_

“I think I’m gonna pass on church today, Mom. We, uh… we had a bit of a late night. Work… stuff.” Couldn’t hurt to try.

_“Right. Work. Dana, you work too hard. It is the weekend, after all.”_

Scully looked at Mulder. He had taken the hand she’d been using to cover his mouth and started kissing it, all while giving her a look she hadn’t seen in about eight hours. A look that had made them turn off _Caddyshack_. A look that was making her want to get off the phone, right now. She tried to shush him.

“I know, you’re right. I’ll keep that in mind.”

_“Dana?”_

“Yeah, Mom?”

_“I hope the work stuff was… good.”_

Scully’s jaw dropped. She looked over towards Mulder but he was now laying behind her, trailing kisses up and down her back. It was the closest her mother had ever come to acknowledging she had any kind of sex life whatsoever.

She wasn’t really sure why she didn’t want her mom to know about this new aspect of their relationship. Mostly it was because she wasn’t sure yet what she and Mulder were to _each other,_ and wasn’t ready to try to explain it to her mother.

Maybe she’d spent so many years denying it that admitting she’d been wrong this entire time was embarrassing.

In any event, it seemed like her mother was communicating to her that she was perfectly aware of this development.

“Yes, Mom. The work stuff was fantastic.”

_“Well, that’s good to hear. You enjoy your Sunday. Call me later.”_

“Okay, I will.”

_“Say hello to Fox for me.”_

“Um. Yeah. Bye, Mom.”

She hung up, dropped the phone to the floor and Mulder moved aside as she flopped back down onto the pillow, sighing loudly. He continued his journey up her arm and over her shoulder and collarbone.

“Sorry, I thought it was my phone,” he said between kisses.

Scully covered her face with her hand. “Oh my God… how am I going to explain this?”

Mulder stopped and looked up at her. “Who cares, Scully? You’re a grown woman. It’s not like you can’t come and go as you please. ‘Come’ being the operative word,” he smirked, as his head disappeared underneath the sheet.

“It’s not that, it’s- oh God, Mulder, right now? _-_ It’s that it’s _you_. I don’t know ho- _ooooow-_ to explain that.”

“But your mom likes me,” his voice came from under the covers.

“Please don’t do that _-ah-_ while we’re talking about my mom.”

“Then stop talking about it.” He went back to work.

Her mother did like Mulder, actually. She liked him a lot. Scully knew Mulder could be charming when he wanted to be; hell, he’d roped her in a long time ago. But after all the hardship they’d gone through? The direct effect it had upon her family? Not to mention how embarrassing what just happened was. She wasn’t ready to talk to her mother about any of this.

Just then all she could focus on was his mouth moving on her so she took a page from Mulder’s book, stopped thinking and started feeling.

 

***

 

“Why don’t you want your mom to know about us?” he asked as they lounged in bed, enjoying their afterglow. Her head was on his stomach, his hand lazily tracing circles on her back.

She couldn’t tell him the real reason. That would mean discussing their relationship and she didn’t want to do that. She was terrified it would ruin everything. They would have to, eventually, but right now she was enjoying this so much she didn’t want to rock the boat.

“It’s private,” is all she said. “I don’t believe in total transparency when it comes to my mother and my sex life.”

“Fair enough,” he said, defeated. She could tell he wanted her to tell her mom. The thought made her a little sad; he had just lost his own mother recently. The two of them had never been very close but she knew there was a void there. The idea that Mulder had no family, no one left but her, made her heart ache for him.

“I’m sure you keep your own secrets,” she pointed out, not even sure that was true. Mulder was mysterious but she knew practically everything about him by sheer circumstance; when you’re around a person 24/7 it’s hard to keep secrets.

The silence that followed, however, made her rethink what she’d just concluded. Maybe he _was_ hiding something from her. He’d done it before. She found her mind racing, wondering what it could be. It was amazing sometimes, how quickly the brain could take something and run with it.

She suddenly realized she didn’t want that, she didn’t want him to keep secrets. Before, she might have felt like she wasn’t entitled to them. But now, she realized, things were different. The stakes were higher. She wanted everything, she couldn’t help it. She had part of him, but she wanted more. She wanted all of him.

He wasn’t offering anything and she didn’t push. Things had gotten serious in a matter of seconds. She focused on his belly button and tried not to think of whatever it was he was hiding.

“Hey, I was thinking about driving down to Raleigh to my mom’s gravesite today,” he said. “I haven’t been in a while. Do you… want to come with me? You don’t have to,” he quickly added. Maybe he thought this was a step too far, this was something a girlfriend would do. She wasn’t his girlfriend. He wasn’t her boyfriend. At the moment they were partners who occasionally slept together.

But she wanted to be his girlfriend. She didn’t know what he wanted, but she wanted to be there for him, to support him in the way she felt she was meant to. So she nodded.

“Yeah, I think I do have to,” she said. “And I’d like to.” She rolled over and sat up a bit so she could reach his face and kissed him. “I want to be there for you.”

He smiled. “Thanks.”

She felt an overwhelming urge to just say it, to tell him the truth. She wanted to. It felt like the only thing left to do, the only hurdle to leap.

She thought of her mother, the conversation they’d had years ago on this very topic. She’d been close to telling him then, but she knew now it had only been because she thought she was going to die. When she didn’t, she waited again, and waited, and the longer she waited the urgency of her desire to tell him faded into the background until it felt too late.

They’d been through a lot since then. And so much was different now. She could say it. She could just tilt her head up a bit and look him in the eyes and say it. She didn’t even have to look, she just had to open her mouth and form the words, make sounds come out.

_I love you, Mulder._

She didn’t.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know when and how they do say it, that’s in [Culmination chapter 13](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748734/chapters/34376435) :)


	7. Now starts the craft of the father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie gives Mulder some parenting 101 after Scully's baby shower, and he gives her some very important information.
> 
> "Suddenly Maggie realized it was the things she didn’t see with these two that were where the love was. She saw it in that moment, and suddenly nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter that Dana hadn’t told her he was the father of her baby. They all knew."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place during the events of “Essence.”

 

 

 

 

**MAGGIE**

**(2001)**

 

A grandchild. Dana was going to give her a grandchild. She could hardly believe it.

After everything her daughter had gone through, her certainty she’d be unable to conceive, here she was now, about to give birth. Maggie was so incredibly happy, she was glowing. And she wasn’t the one who was about to pop.

“Thanks for the shower, mom. I had fun. It was nice of you to do this,” Dana said as Maggie picked up some paper plates.

She smiled. “You’re welcome, sweetheart. You deserve all the nicest things in life. Soon you’ll have the best gift you’ll ever receive.”

Dana smiled and held her belly, rubbing it gently. Her mother spotted a balloon that had come loose from its string and was stuck on the ceiling. She started to drag a chair over to get it.

“Mom, don’t climb on that. Mulder is coming over, he can get it.”

Maggie smiled to herself, happy she’d get to see Fox. She hadn't seen much of him since he recovered from his strange illness. Dana had tried to explain what happened to him, but Maggie never quite understood. All she knew was that God had sent him back to Dana. It’s all she needed to know.

She heard a key turning in the lock, and the man himself entered. He looked a bit surprised to see her. Maggie smiled at the familiarity with which he’d entered her daughter’s apartment. It was just further evidence there was more going on between them than Dana would let on.

“Hello, Fox!” she greeted him and he pulled her in for a quick hug.

“Hi, I thought the shower would be over by now.”

“Oh, it is. I was just helping Dana clean up.”

Truthfully, she had been hanging around hoping he would stop by. What Dana had told her wasn’t much; only that she’d asked Fox to be the sperm donor for the in vitro procedure that had apparently failed several months ago. After Fox had disappeared, Dana had confided that she was pregnant but was uncertain exactly how it happened.

Maggie wasn’t sure how the pregnancy had actually occurred either but she knew no one other than Fox could be the father. She never questioned that, and Dana certainly never brought it up.

What she wanted was some clarity on what exactly was going on between these two. She knew there was more than just friendship, she was certain of that. She’d noticed a toothbrush in Dana’s bathroom that wasn’t hers, and the way Fox had let himself into her apartment like that was an extra tidbit she could add to her arsenal. Not to mention that time she called her daughter and Fox had answered Dana’s phone. In bed. At eight in the morning.

She might be old fashioned, but she wasn’t stupid.

She wasn’t exactly sure why these two would be hiding their relationship in this way, especially with the baby coming so soon. It seemed a bit silly to her. But Dana had always been a private person, always kept things bottled up inside. All she could do was wait for her to confide in her when she was ready.

“Fox, would you mind getting that?” Maggie pointed to the balloon on the ceiling. Fox moved a chair across to the right spot and retrieved the balloon.

He unceremoniously stuffed it under his shirt and waddled over to Dana, who was washing dishes at the sink. He didn’t say anything and began drying dishes with the balloon stuck inside the front of his shirt, stealing a glance at her every few seconds, waiting for her to notice.

Finally she did notice and laughed, shoving him playfully a bit with her shoulder. He looked back over his own shoulder at Maggie and grinned.

After they finished the dishes they both walked back over to the living room. Dana lowered herself carefully onto the couch.

“Looks like you got a lot of good stuff,” Fox pointed out. “I have no idea what any of this is but it looks… helpful.”

“Well, sit down, Fox. I’m going to educate you a bit,” Maggie said.

He and Dana exchanged a glance she couldn’t quite figure out, as was typical with these two.

“Yes, Mulder. Let my mom educate you.” Dana fixed her eyes on him.

“Wow, you two mean business,” he chuckled. He walked over to Dana and sat down beside her.

“First things first,” Maggie told him, eyeing him carefully. She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable but he seemed eager enough. “Have you ever changed a diaper?”

Fox shook his head. He looked a little nervous.

“First diapers, then swaddling.” She picked up two baby dolls that had been one of Dana’s shower gifts. “Take your pick, Fox.”

He looked at the dolls she was holding, one dressed in pink, one in blue.

“Well, the girl one, of course,” he said, looking between the two women. “I’m no fool.”

Maggie lowered both dolls and narrowed her eyes at him. “Do you know something I don’t know?”

He laughed and looked at Dana. “No! She won’t tell me either.”

Maggie’s jaw dropped and she looked at Dana in horror. “You haven’t even told _him_?”

“You can all wait,” she replied.

Maggie handed Fox the baby girl doll and went to look for a diaper. “Well, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one Dana is keeping secrets from.”

“This one is quite the enigma, isn’t she?” Fox agreed as he put his arm around her shoulders.  Maggie found a teeny tiny diaper and returned just in time to see them gazing at each other in the way she saw so often. Dana looked away and blushed a bit. Maggie had no idea why she was acting this way, why she’d be embarrassed or hiding like this. She was starting to get a little frustrated in spite of herself.

She suddenly had a strong urge to leave them alone for a minute. She handed the diaper to Dana and begged off to the restroom. She flicked the light on and closed the door, loudly.

_One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand…_

She opened the door so, so quietly and tiptoed back down the hall. As she peered around the corner she could see them talking to each other softly.

Then she saw it. Dana leaned in and he did too, kissing her gently on the lips. His arm moved from behind her shoulders and he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. It was such a sweet, simple thing, but what struck her was the ease and comfort they seemed to have with one another when no one else was around.

Suddenly Maggie realized it was the things she didn’t see with these two that were where the love was. She saw it in that moment, and suddenly nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter that Dana hadn’t told her he was the father of her baby. They all knew. It didn’t matter if she hadn’t said they loved each other outright. They all knew.

Maybe she could learn something from her daughter. It was the same thing Dana and Fox must have learned at some point along the way: that sometimes things didn’t need to be said. Sometimes things only needed to be felt.

 

***

 

After another hour or so of teaching Fox the finer points of fatherhood, Maggie figured it was time to leave them alone. She knew better than anyone in the room what would change as soon as that baby arrived. They probably wanted some time to themselves, and she wanted them to have as much of it as possible.

She pulled on her coat and picked up her purse, and Fox came over to open the door. Dana followed.

“I’ll walk you out,” he said to her. Dana looked surprised but smiled.

“Bye, Mom.”

“Bye, sweetheart. Remember, five minutes apart and you call me.”

“I will, don’t worry.” Dana hugged her mother.

As the door closed and she and Fox walked towards the stairs, he made small talk for a minute, thanking her for the lesson. There was a joke about a breast pump and some awkward laughter. But she could tell he wanted to be alone with her for a reason.

As they reached her car, Fox finally turned to her in seriousness.

“Mrs. Scully… I don’t know how much she’s told you, about… well, about any of this. She keeps a lot of this close to the vest, as you know.”

Maggie looked down and smiled, nodding.

“But I don’t want to keep secrets from you. Scully and I have been through a lot, as you’re well aware. I want this for her, something good, something… normal. Easy.”

Maggie chuckled. “This will not be easy, Fox, I promise you that.”

He laughed. “Okay, fair point. I admit I have no idea what to expect. But I guess… what I want you to know, what I want you to be sure about is that I’ll do everything in my power to help her, to help them. To keep them safe.”

She felt so happy just then, so satisfied with this man God had chosen for her daughter. She was about to give him a big hug but he wasn’t done.

“I love your daughter,” he blurted out. It was as if he had to tell someone, he was bursting to. “I haven’t found the right moment to tell her that, yet, but… I will, soon. And I wanted you to know.”

She looked up at him and smiled. “I know you do, Fox. I’ve always known it. But thank you for telling me just the same.”

He smiled at her and nodded. She took his hand and squeezed it and he squeezed back. He helped her into her car, and she drove away, leaving the two of them to hopefully soon have a conversation that involved the word “love.”

Two days later Margaret Scully held her grandchild William Fox Scully in her arms, thirty seven years after she had held his mother.

 


	8. I know you've got a little life in you yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monica Reyes comes to Scully's rescue in a moment of postpartum crisis. Scully remembers moments leading up to Mulder's departure.
> 
> "Scully smiled, and was instantly transported back in time to another life where she had actual girlfriends. It felt really nice. It had been awhile since she had any real friendships other than Mulder. As much as she loved him, this was a very specific role he could never fill. One she probably needed right now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place somewhere in early season 9.

 

 

 

 

 

**SCULLY**

**(2001)**

 

There was a knock at the door, and Scully didn’t want to answer it. It was almost ten o'clock at night, William had been crying for two straight hours and she felt completely lost. But she went to the door anyway, fueled by the ever-present hope that it might be Mulder, coming home to them. It was the only thing she could spare any energy for at a time like this. Every time there was a knock at the door over the past few weeks she would hope for the same thing.

It wasn’t Mulder, as usual, but instead the not entirely unwelcome face of Monica Reyes she saw through the peephole. She knew she looked awful and she was exhausted, but the sight of a friend let a little sliver of hope into her nightmare of an evening. She undid the latch and opened the door.

“Oh my God, Dana!” Monica looked at her and her expression reflected exactly how Scully was feeling at the moment. “Is everything okay?”

 _Is everything okay?_ No, everything was certainly not okay. It wasn’t going to be okay for a long time.

Scully’s lip trembled and under normal circumstances might not have betrayed a desire for help, but her desperation outweighed everything else. She held the door open for her, William in one arm over her shoulder, screaming at the top of his tiny lungs. Monica entered and shut the door behind her.

“Here, let me help you,” Monica said and took the baby. She bounced William and walked him into the bedroom, closing the door.

The sounds of his cries were instantly muffled and Scully was so grateful for Monica’s unexpected rescue she began to sob. She went into the bathroom and shut the door, sat on the floor, and covered her ears.

It had been more difficult than she’d feared after she made Mulder flee. She had anticipated being a single parent, from way back when she tried to adopt Emily. But as all new parents learn, absolutely nothing could have prepared her for this.

Her mother had warned her as best she could about the trials of new motherhood.  The sleep deprivation, the terror of responsibility, the monotony, the ostensible endlessness of it all. It was exhausting letting every moment go by, one minute enjoying the wonder of this new little person in her life, and the next minute breaking down into tears over any number of things; sometimes William, sometimes Mulder, sometimes for absolutely no reason at all. These first few weeks had been a confusing dichotomy of absolute heaven and absolute hell.

When she asked Mulder to be the father of her child, back when the IVF had been her only option, she hadn’t expected him to play an active role, although she suspected he might have regardless. They hadn’t been involved romantically at that time and never had the opportunity to discuss it. But after William was born, they had shared two days of absolute bliss together during which he’d made it clear he wanted to be there for her and William, in exactly the role she hoped he would. They’d stood together in her bedroom holding their baby between them and for the first time ever had declared their true feelings for each other. It was the happiest she’d ever been in her life.

That was before the danger, before she knew he had to go. Her contentment had been short-lived, and she was getting used to that happening. She adored her son, obviously, but not having Mulder around seemed to taint everything. She’d try to forget about him for a moment, fail, and then immediately feel guilty for having done so.

She had gained William, and lost Mulder. This realization gutted her every single time it passed through her mind and her heart.

William was, for lack of a better description, a planned accident. She wanted him, badly, but the circumstances of his conception surprised her and still confused her, as much as she wanted to believe he was her miracle. And she couldn’t shake the pervasive feeling that something truly strange was happening.

It felt cruel, what God had done, if it was indeed God she had to thank for all this. She wasn’t sure anymore. She loved William more than she ever thought possible, but the love felt bittersweet without Mulder around. Everything felt somehow incomplete and she cursed the injustice of it.

Part of her family was gone. She felt it every morning when she woke up, every night when she tried to sleep, and every moment in between.

William’s cries were beginning to subside and she wondered if Monica had some experience with babies she didn’t have. She waited for a few minutes until she heard silence, then her bedroom door softly closing. She slowly got up off the floor and glanced in the mirror, her eyes puffy, her breasts painfully engorged. Every muscle in her body ached. She looked like a total mess. She felt like a total mess.

She exited the bathroom and went into the living room to find Monica in the kitchen, washing the dishes.

“You don’t have to do that, Monica. Thank you for putting the baby down.”

Monica didn’t stop. “I’m happy to help, just sit, okay?”

Scully was so grateful for her presence in this moment she obeyed silently, having exhausted her politeness quota. Or, more than likely, she was just plain exhausted. She laid down on the couch and stared into space for a while; she didn’t know for how long.

Eventually Monica came around and sat across from her on the coffee table. She put her hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t worry, this is the bad part. It will get better in a couple more weeks.”

Scully closed her eyes and allowed Monica’s voice to relax her. She needed a friendly presence right now. “Will it?”

She suspected Monica knew the subtext of her reply, but Monica didn’t press. Even if Monica was right, and the baby stuff got easier, Mulder would still be gone. The hard part wouldn’t be over until he was home, and she knew that in her heart.

Monica couldn’t really understand the complex nature of her relationship with Mulder, and Scully knew this. But she missed Mulder so much and was so thankful for the presence of a friend in this moment she let out a bit of truth.

“Mulder wanted to stay here with us,” she said, eyeing Monica carefully. She hadn’t felt any judgment from her but she’d felt it from Agent Doggett. They may never fully understand the difficult decisions she and Mulder had to make but she wanted them to know the truth of it. “He wanted to stay more than anything.”

“I know,” Monica smiled. “I never doubted it.”

She hadn’t been around the two of them much but she’d been there when William was born, when Mulder had burst through the doorway of that run-down storefront and run to them, every step bringing him closer to fatherhood. Monica had seen it then, and Scully knew she understood that much.

“I’ve always loved babies, and children,” Scully continued, “I just haven’t been prepared for this. And I figured I’d be doing this alone for much of my adult life, but it hasn’t kept me from… hoping. That I wouldn’t have to.”

“Believe me, I understand how hard this can be. My best friend back in New Orleans has a baby. I used to help her all the time before I moved out here,” Monica explained.

“Well, it obviously did you good,” Scully observed. “I’ve been trying to get him to stop crying for hours. It’s even harder when all you can do is cry yourself.”

Monica tilted her head in sympathy. Scully couldn’t help crossing her arms in front of her chest and wincing in pain. “He hasn’t been nursing as much as he should be. It hurts a lot and I don’t want to pump because it just makes it worse, so all I can do is wait and hope he’s hungry when he wakes up.” She realized she was rambling. “I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear any of this.”

“Do you have any cabbage?” Monica asked.

Scully looked at her, confused. “What?”

“Cabbage leaves. It sounds weird, I know, but it helps.”

Scully smiled for the first time in what felt like weeks. Leave it to Monica to have some magical mystery cure. “I… I don’t think so.”

“Let’s make a list. I’ll run out to the store for you.”

She smiled, and was instantly transported back in time to another life where she had actual girlfriends. It felt really nice. It had been awhile since Scully had any real friendships other than Mulder. As much as she loved him, this was a very specific role he could never fill. One she probably needed right now.

“Are you sure? What did you come over for? I don’t want to keep you from anything.”

Monica smiled. “Well, Agent Doggett and I are working a case and we could use your expertise on some autopsy reports.”

Scully felt weirdly excited to look at autopsy reports and do something normal, something she knew she’d be good at. She needed to feel like she was in control over something in her life right now.

“At ten o clock at night?” she smiled.

Monica shrugged. “It’s the witching hour. I had a feeling you’d be awake.”

Scully didn’t want to ask Monica to go to the store but she really needed her to, and she was desperate for any relief for the pain she was in.

Monica smiled. “How about this: I go out to the store for you, and you take a look at these when you feel up to it. We’ll call it even.”

Scully nodded. “I’m really grateful for this.”

“Hey, it’s no problem at all.”

Monica walked over to the kitchen and started opening the fridge and pantry, making a list of things Scully appeared to need. “What about for William? Diapers? Wipes? Anything?”

Scully shook her head. “He’s all set. It’s just me who’s a disaster.”

“You’ll be fine,” Monica assured her. “You just need some sleep. And cabbage leaves,” she added.

Scully laid down again and took a deep breath. “Where are those autopsy reports?”

“Just lay down, Dana. You need to rest. You can look at them in the morning. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

She left and Scully just sat in the quiet. William’s longest sleep stretch was four hours, if she was lucky. She wanted to doze badly but the pain was acute. Her thoughts drifted to Mulder as they did often and the pain got even worse.

She was so exhausted it should have been easy for her to fall asleep, but nights were always the hardest. She would typically lay in bed and just miss him. She’d toss and turn, and when she wasn’t trying hard not to cry, she was trying harder not to imagine him there, his hands on her, his mouth on her, his breath in her ear, their ragged voices whispering each other’s names in the dark.

During the daytime she found it easier to be distracted. She’d spend most of the time focused on the baby and when she did miss Mulder she’d let William wrap his tiny hand around her finger and she’d study his face, looking for Mulder there and finding him in his eyes.

She wasn’t sure if she drifted off but after a while Monica returned. She helped Scully apply the cabbage leaves and covered her with a blanket, then started to put away the items she’d bought. Scully hoped she would feel better before William awoke. Before she had a chance to thank Monica again she finally drifted off to sleep.

 

***

 

Her eyes opened to William’s crying and she felt much better. She looked down and noticed Monica’s home remedy had worked; the cabbage leaves had relieved her pain considerably. She removed the wilted leaves and looked at the clock. It was 6:03 AM.

William had slept through the night.

She wanted to cry with joy. It was such a triumph, one only a new parent could truly appreciate and celebrate. Her joy was quickly overcome by melancholy because there was no one there to share it with.

Just as she thought this, she noticed her mother asleep in the armchair near her. She was stirring as well.

“Mom? When… how did you get in here?”

Maggie looked at the bedroom door and started to get up. “Monica called, she said you could use some help. I packed a bag. I’m here as long as you need me, sweetheart.”

Scully started to get up but Maggie told her to stay put. She went into the bedroom and Scully could hear her talking to William as she changed his diaper. She brought him out to Scully and gently handed him over.

“Here’s your mama,” Maggie cooed. William grasped at her and latched on hungrily, and Scully felt such relief both physically and emotionally. Having her mom show up in such a dark hour was truly a blessing.

Scully settled back into the couch, adjusting to find a comfortable position. Her mother brought a pillow over and tucked it underneath her arm. Scully exhaled deeply and William suckled contentedly. After a few minutes, her mother spoke.

“Are you okay, Dana?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Maggie said. “You have a newborn. Fox isn’t here. It’s okay to not be fine, honey.”

Scully wasn’t sure what exactly did it, but she broke. Maybe she just needed someone to give her permission.

“I can’t describe how difficult this has been, Mom,” she said through her tears. “It’s not just the newborn stuff. Although that has been exhausting. More exhausting is the guilt.” Scully felt so lonely that without realizing it she was becoming transparent.

“Guilt? What do you mean?”

Scully shook her head. She didn’t want to talk about this almost as desperately as she knew she needed to. “I’ve wanted a child for so long, and now that he’s here…” she trailed off. She didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

“Dana, you can tell me,” Maggie gently coaxed.

Scully had to say it. “This might sound terrible but any time I feel sad or upset it makes me feel so guilty because I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Me, specifically.” She had no one to share this with but God, and she wasn’t sure he listened anymore. “I should be grateful all the time. I should be happy all the time, but I can’t be. I can’t.”

Maggie came to sit by her and put her hand on Scully’s knee. “This is a perfectly normal way of thinking right now, Dana. Every parent thinks these things.”

“I’m sure they do, but I feel as if I shouldn’t.” Her mother was probably right, but she couldn't shake this feeling.

Something else had been on her mind. She loved her son, but she was frightened. Ever since she’d seen him move his mobile with his mind, she’d been afraid of its implications.

Mulder had known, he’d sensed something before anything even happened. She’d refused to listen. And now he was gone, perhaps forever.

Her thoughts drifted to a conversation they’d had a few weeks ago, back when Mulder was in danger. Just a few short hours before he walked out the door.

 

***

 

_“They didn’t want him, Mulder! They left, they…” Scully paced her apartment, William in her arms. All he did was sleep lately so it made him portable and oblivious._

_“We don’t know that for sure,” Mulder countered. “It doesn’t mean anything. We should be more concerned about their interest in him in the first place.”_

_“How can you be sure any of this has to do with William? You said Kersh told you it was you who was in danger.”_

_Mulder shook his head. “Yes, but Scully, this has to all be connected. It has to. I can’t leave you, or William. What if they come back for him?”_

_Scully just held her baby close. She wanted to cry, to shake Mulder, to make him agree with her on this. They always disagreed, all the time. But tonight it was different. She needed him to believe her, that their baby was fine, and he was safe from harm._

_She needed him on her side._

_She needed him to go._

_“William is normal. He is fine,” she said evenly. “I have no reason to think otherwise.” So many years of going with Mulder’s gut. She couldn’t do that, not this time. Not with their son._

_Mulder sat on her couch, clearly exasperated. “What’s it going to take, Scully? What’s it going to take for you to open your eyes and see what’s going on here?”_

_He wasn’t angry. He was pleading with her. She wasn’t sure what his motivation was. She assumed he wanted William to be normal as much as she did. Maybe his powers of denial weren’t as strong. Even she was aware her own were impressive._

_Part of her wondered if Mulder actually wanted William to have something wrong with him, something different. Something... alien. Proof within their own baby would be some kind of final, glorious triumph for him. But she knew that kind of thinking was silly. He would never want anything that would hurt or harm her, or their son. It was still difficult sometimes for her to separate the Mulder she met nine years ago from the Mulder she knew now; the Mulder who loved her more than his own validation._

_“William is our son,” she said with finality._

_He pursed his lips and was silent a minute. She would not let this turn into some kind of fight. Not now. Not when he was leaving and she might never see him again._

_He stood and approached her, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He looked down at their son and leaned forward to kiss his sleeping head._

_“Your safety, and William’s is the most important thing in the world to me, Scully. You have to hear me and understand that. I’m only saying all this because I love you both.”_

_His hand went to her cheek and she leaned into it, closing her eyes. She knew she wouldn’t feel his touch again for a long, long time and every time felt enormously poignant._

_“I know, Mulder. I love you too.” She found the next part nearly impossible to say. “That’s why you have to go.”_

_Convincing Mulder that William was normal was the only card she had to play. She hated playing it, especially when she wasn’t certain herself, but she had to. If he thought William were in more danger than he was, he’d stay in a heartbeat and she knew it._

_“I’ve been looking for answers my entire life,” he said. “You know this. To all kinds of questions, to the biggest mysteries mankind has ever wondered about. But Scully, you have to stop lying to me and to yourself. You’re looking for answers, too.”_

_He looked directly into her eyes. “We’re both looking for answers.”_

 

_***_

 

Scully watched her son nurse at her breast. She found herself indeed grateful, at the moment, he seemed to be rather hungry. When she held him near and they could be quiet together; that was when she could feel Mulder here with her. Those were the moments she could breathe.

Her mother watched her nurse, and smiled. “I’m proud of you, sweetheart. Here you are, again, facing impossible obstacles and taking them on like you always do.”

Scully sighed and let her mother’s words sink in. She was right. They were both still here, still pressing on together, even without Mulder around. It was something to hold onto.

She grinned at her mother. “He slept through the night last night, Mom.”

Maggie’s eyes glistened and her smile was broad. “That’s huge, honey. That’s a big deal. I’m happy for you.”

Scully held William over her shoulder to burp him and then shifted him to the other breast. Maggie picked up another pillow and placed it under Scully’s other arm for support.

“Thank you,” Scully said.

“It’s much easier with a pillow under your arm,” Maggie replied.

“No, I mean... _thank you._ For coming,” she clarified.

“Of course,” Maggie replied. “It’s what mothers do.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to every mom out there who had difficulty in the early weeks (that's all the moms). I imagine Scully had a rough go of it, for a multitude of reasons, and I think it got overlooked in S9, like many things. I also really wish we got to see more of a friendship develop between Scully and Reyes but, you know, male writers.
> 
> Also: the cabbage leaves thing is real and it works!
> 
> Dialogue from "William" written by Chris Carter.


	9. I know you've got a lot of strength left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie finds out about Scully's decision to give William up for adoption.
> 
> "She kissed the top of William’s head, breathing in his scent. This moment was unfathomable and yet it was happening. She knew any moment Dana would come back in, take him out of her arms and out of her life forever. What could she possibly fill these final moments with that would suffice?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after the events of “William.”

 

 

 

**MAGGIE**

**(2002)**

 

Becoming a parent changes everything. Things change in a way a person could never expect or anticipate. The responsibility to another life cannot be imagined, only experienced.

Maggie knew this because she’d become a parent four times, and each time she saw the world anew. She could remember moments as they grew when she felt love, joy, pain, and fear. The fear had always been the worst fear she’d ever experienced. 

Bill breaking his arm when he was nine, climbing a tree that was too old to hold his weight. Melissa running out into the street when she was only two, and even though there were no cars at the time there might have been, and the terror had been real. Charlie, as a tiny baby, getting incredibly sick; so sick Maggie had been certain they would lose him.

And Dana, when she’d been taken away from her for months only to return comatose. Then again, when she was dying from cancer. Maggie had lost her twice in her heart already.

Tonight the fear was back, and the fear was for her daughter, again. Fear for the danger she and her son now found themselves in. Fear for a choice she was making that she might deeply regret.

Maggie knew Dana and William had been in danger. Everything was so confusing but she knew one thing: there were bad men after her grandson, and if Dana hadn’t shown up when she did and shot that intruder, she didn’t want to think about what might have happened.

Maggie didn’t want to believe there was only one way out of this situation, but it seemed like that was exactly what her daughter was telling her.

“Adoption? This is your only option? What you’re saying makes no sense, Dana.”

The papers were signed on the coffee table, the decision had been made. Dana shook her head.

“Nothing I tell you will make sense, Mom,” she said. “There are things happening, things going on right now that are beyond any explanation I could offer you.”

“And _this_ is the only answer? Giving him away to strangers?”

“You don’t understand-”

“Dana!” Maggie’s face went hard. “ _Make_ me understand.” She wouldn't let her shut down this time, she couldn’t.

Dana looked at her then, and her expression was beyond any words, any emotion Maggie could possibly touch. She crumpled into her, and it was all Maggie could do not to let her daughter collapse to the floor. She held her close and guided her over to the couch where she sat her down, her body convulsing in the kind of sobs that affect a mother in a way no other person could be affected.

She knew this must be breaking her daughter’s heart. How could it not? It broke her own into a million pieces.

“Dana, help me understand, _please._ ”

“I can’t.” She shook her head and couldn’t look her in the eye. It was hard for her to speak through her tears. “Nothing I say to you will ever make you okay with this decision, Mom. Nothing I say will ever make _me_ okay with it. But… I have to. I have no choice. William isn’t safe here, he isn’t safe with me. I can’t give him the protection he needs. Letting him go is the only way he will be safe, Mom. You have to believe me.”

Dana looked down at the floor of the apartment. Maggie wondered for a brief moment if Dana was looking at the exact spot Melissa was murdered in cold blood. Then she wondered if she was about to lose yet another family member in the very same spot.

She couldn’t contain her tears anymore and they flowed freely.

“God wouldn’t want this for your son,” Maggie cried. “He would want William to stay with his mother. This child was a gift from God and you’re just… going to give him away? I don’t know how you could do that, Dana. After everything you’ve been through, after everything you’ve survived. God would want you to be strong.”

Dana’s voice was even, tempered, and Maggie saw a look in her eyes she didn’t like.

“God would want me to be strong,” Dana repeated back to her coldly.

Maggie knew it had been the wrong thing to say. She wasn’t sure why she said it. She wasn’t trying to hurt her daughter, or to make any of this harder. Maggie really didn’t know if adoption was the right answer for William. All she did know was that her daughter’s pain was real. There was nothing she could say to alleviate it.

“I’ve been strong my whole life, Mom. I’ve been strong when I really shouldn’t have been. I held Emily in my arms as she died. I walk past that spot,” she gestured to the floor near the front door, “at least twice a day and think about Melissa, wishing it had been me instead of her.”

Maggie could only listen.

“I _buried_ the love of my life at thirty seven while planning to raise our child without him. He lived, and here I am, still raising our child alone. I did all that, Mom, and somehow here I am, still trying to be strong. Still trying to do the impossible.”

She fell forward, her face in her hands, her shoulders shuddering. Maggie was silent. It was the first time she’d openly referred to Fox as William’s father, not to mention the love of her life.

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Mom. Believe me, I _am_ being strong, the only way I know how.”

Maggie knew her daughter’s job was dangerous. She’d learned it only too well over the years. She’d never understand the complexities of what Dana and Fox had been wrapped up in; it all sounded like a movie script to her. It was foreign and bizarre and utterly unreal all at once. But she’d felt the terror firsthand now, and it was indeed real.

She’d been so patient, so forgiving of it all because at the end of the day, she knew why Dana kept fighting. She knew why she accepted the dangers: it was for Fox Mulder, and they were in this together. She could never, would never begrudge her daughter that decision.

She also knew Dana needed Fox here, now.

 _Fox._ Did he even know?

“Does Fox know about this?” Maggie asked.

Yet another occurrence that hadn’t been explained to her satisfaction was Fox’s sudden disappearance from all of their lives. All Dana had said was that his life was in danger and she made him leave. Maggie hated it, she hated all of it, because her daughter deserved happiness and right when she’d been handed some it had been ripped away from her yet again.  

Dana’s sobs had subsided, and now she was silent. She sat up slowly and faced forward, again, not looking at her mother.

“He doesn’t know about any of this.”

Maggie’s heart dropped like lead. “You can’t do this without talking to him, Dana. You can’t.”

“I don’t know where he is.”

“Can you contact him... somehow?” Maggie asked. Scully paused just long enough for Maggie to think she probably could if she really needed to.

“I can’t contact him.”

“But… William is his child, too.”

“I know that!” Dana snapped, finally looking up at her. “Mom, do you think this is easy? This isn’t easy! This is impossible!”

Maggie was silent. She didn’t know what to say.

“I don’t know what else to do,” she said. “William is in danger every minute. I can’t just... wait for Mulder to come back. It could be tomorrow, it could be months from now. It could be never,” she admitted.

Maggie sat down next to her and put her arm around her shoulders.

“He’s going to hate me,” Dana whispered, so softly Maggie could barely hear her. “He won’t forgive me for this. How could he?”

She leaned forward and put her head in her hands. “He knew this would happen, Mom. He didn’t want to go because he knew William was in danger. I didn’t listen. I was so scared, scared for him. Scared of losing him. So I didn’t listen. Now I have to make this decision without him.”

Maggie tried to think of the right thing to say. She couldn’t find the words. So she stayed quiet.

“I’m losing my baby and I’ll lose Mulder,” she said into the void, her voice cracking. “I have nothing.” It was as if saying it out loud could prepare her for such an eventuality.

Maggie wondered if that were true. She tried to put herself in Fox’s position and in doing so knew the truth.

“Of course he will forgive you,” she said quietly. “If there’s only one other person on the planet who can understand this decision the way you do, it’s him, Dana. You have to believe that.”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Mom. I truly don’t.”

“Fox would want to keep him safe too.”

Dana nodded. “He would, of course he would. But he’d want to keep him safe himself. And maybe he could. I don’t know, Mom. I just know I can’t, not alone. I don’t know what else to do.”

Maggie had never seen her daughter more shattered. She knew Dana had made up her mind and this was in fact all real, all happening. She tried to think of the last time she held her grandson. It was… a week ago? Maybe a little less? He was asleep in Dana’s bedroom. She couldn’t leave without seeing him again. She didn't know what else to do so she held Dana and softly rubbed her back, just like she did thirty years ago when she’d scrape her knee, or break a toy. Back when things were so simple and clear and all she needed to make everything better was for her mother to hold her.

She thought of William, and the special circumstances happening right now that made it so he needed more protection than just the loving embrace of his mother. It wasn’t enough this time.

She then thought of her late husband, like she did every day, and of the comfort she’d received from him in times of sorrow. Dana needed Fox right now. She couldn’t give her daughter everything she needed.

Dana cried then, cried hard. She gripped her mother’s jacket tightly and hung on for dear life and Maggie hoped beyond hope Fox would miraculously return right now. She pictured him opening the door again with his key, coming in and pulling Dana into his arms, giving her all the comfort and support she knew deep down only he could provide.

After several minutes, Maggie finally spoke.

“I may never understand this, Dana, but I have to believe you are truly doing what is best for William. This must be God’s will.”

“I don’t know how this could possibly be God’s will,” Dana said quietly. “Why would God decide to give me this child after so many years of denying me one only to put him in danger? Why would he make it so this is the only choice I have?”

Dana’s words struck Maggie in the heart. Why _would_ God do this? To her daughter, to Fox, to any of them? It was a question she knew was reasonable, far too reasonable for her to face. Maggie had always been a woman of faith, but at this moment her faith was shaken to the core.

“You’ve faced so many challenges over the years, I can’t even imagine what it must feel like to give up a child. But... you must keep faith.” She wasn’t telling her daughter. She was telling herself and she knew it. It struck her soundly.

Dana had stopped crying. It was as if her tears had run out. “I’m sorry, Mom, but it’s hard to have faith right now. I have so little to believe in.”

The sound of William’s crying pierced the air just then and Dana rose to attend to him. After a couple minutes she returned, and placed the baby in his grandmother’s arms.

“I’ll give you a few minutes, then I have to take him,” she said softly. She kissed William’s tiny head and turned, walking out of the living room.

Maggie sat on the couch and sat William on her knee. He looked into her eyes and smiled. He was a happy baby, there was no denying it. She studied his face closely and saw both Fox and Dana there. The heartbreak continued in her chest like rolling drums that would never cease.

She thought of a night long ago when her daughter broke the news she would never bear children. How it had broken both their hearts, and yet somehow, here was William. He had to be a miracle, didn’t he?

She thought of Fox, out there alone somewhere, with no idea he wouldn’t have a son when he returned. If he ever returned.

For the first time she truly wondered if they _had_ been made to suffer. It confused her, especially considering everything Dana had just said about God’s will. She wanted to believe. She’d always believed. Now, she wasn’t sure what to believe anymore.

She looked down at the manila envelope on the coffee table that had the name of the adoption agency on it. She turned William around in her lap and allowed her curiosity to get the better of her. Nothing really mattered anymore, least of all some snooping.

Inside the large envelope was some paperwork Dana had filled out and a smaller white envelope. The envelope was addressed to William. Inside was a handwritten note, and she recognized her daughter’s handwriting instantly.

She read the note.

 

_To my son_

  _One day, you'll ask me to speak of a truth - of the miracle of your birth. To explain what is unexplained. And if I falter or fail on this day, know there is an answer, my child, a sacred imperishable truth, but one you may never hope to find alone._

_Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite - your protector and endangerer. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journeys - - a search for truths fugitive and imponderable._

_If one day this chance may befall you, my son, do not fail or falter to seize it. The truths are out there. And if one day you should behold a miracle, as I have in you, you will learn the truth is not found in science, or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart. And in that moment you will be blessed - and stricken. For the truest truths are what hold us together, or keep us painfully, desperately apart._

 

Maggie placed the letter back inside both envelopes. She sat back into the couch and held William over her shoulder, softly rubbing his back.

Everything she ever wanted to know about her daughter’s life was contained within this one piece of paper. Her confusion about William and how he came to be, and her hopefulness that they might somehow meet again someday. Her wish that he might one day find someone to share his life with the way she shared hers with Fox. And how, in the end, everything she did was for love. It was Dana's truth, the most truth she could provide for her soon to be long-lost child. The only thing he would have to hold on to.

She knew there was a possibility William may never even read the note. Dana would never know. But it seemed she certainly hoped he might seek her out one day, in search of answers. She smiled, just a tiny one, that knowing who his father was, he just might take on that search one day.

 She kissed the top of William’s head, breathing in his scent. This moment was unfathomable and yet it was happening. She knew any moment Dana would come back in, take him out of her arms and out of her life forever. What could she possibly fill these final moments with that would suffice?

She turned William around and looked at his little face. He reached out and touched her cheeks with his tiny fingers and smiled. He had no idea what was happening, no idea how his life was about to change. She immediately thought this observation was silly; how does anyone know what’s happening, or how their lives will change?

Was this truly God’s plan?

“I know you know this, little one,” she said softly to him, “but your mommy loves you very much. And your daddy does too.” She thought of how he may never know how much he had been loved, how much he had been wanted. That was the real tragedy here.

“You may not understand yet how brave your mom is being, but she has to be right now, for you. I hope you can feel her courage, and that she can give some of that to you, too.”

She choked back a sob, and imagined this little boy’s life. How it could still be full of happiness, and love, and wonder. How no matter where he was, he would always be in their hearts.

“I love you too, sweet William,” Maggie said to him. “No matter what, you have a grandmother who will always love you.”

She hugged him close to her, gently rubbing the back of his head and kissing his temple. She tried to think of this as a good thing, as a hopeful thing for William, as devastating as it was for everyone surrounding it. The image of a strange man breaking into Dana’s apartment and ripping the baby out of her arms flooded her mind and as these fears tangled up with everything else she was feeling, she suddenly understood and was indeed stricken.

Dana had to do this. She had to.

Just then, her daughter appeared, silently wrapping them both in her own arms, and they all just sat there together, three generations that would never be together again.

“I have to take him now, Mom,” Dana said softly. “I’m sorry.”

Maggie knew the longer she dragged this out the harder it would be, so she placed one more single kiss on the top of William’s head and handed him back to his mother. She stood up, grabbed her coat, and as she walked out the door she turned back to Dana.

“I’m going to need some time, sweetheart, and I know you will too. But I love you.”

Dana just held her baby close and nodded. “I understand. I love you too, Mom.”

Maggie closed the door behind her and stopped for a moment, needing to regain some strength. She exhaled and leaned back, and after a few moments, could hear the sound of her daughter’s guttural sobs through the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue from "TrustNo1" by Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz.


	10. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mulder and Scully on the run.
> 
> "She wondered, as she often did, if elevating their relationship into its current state had rendered it susceptible to weakness in a way it hadn’t been before. So much more was at stake now, not to mention the intensity of their current situation. They didn’t just get to be a normal couple. It hadn’t been in the cards for them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after the events of “The Truth.”

 

 

 

 

 

**SCULLY**

**(2003)**

 

She pulled out the disposable cell phone she bought at a Radio Shack weeks ago. She’d kept it in the glove box underneath the car maintenance manual and knew Mulder would never look there.

It had been eight months for them, eight months of driving and hiding, hiding and driving. It was all they did, it was all they could do.

Mulder had access to a hidden account in which he’d placed all the money from his mother’s estate sale. It was one of the few times Scully had been eternally grateful for his paranoia; she hadn’t planned ahead for any of this. Clearly, he had. It was a lot of cash, more than she’d seen in her entire life, and he said it would be enough for them to stay on the run for years if they had to.

 _Years_.

She fought back tears as she tore the plastic wrap off the phone. Years… of this? She was stuck now, she had chosen this, chosen him. She couldn’t go back. She didn’t regret her decision, she just had no way of adequately preparing for this kind of life. She missed her family.

The last time she’d spoken to her mother was on a cold highway, briefly and with finality. She had no idea when she’d ever talk to her again. She had no clue what her mother was thinking, or feeling. If she was still in great pain over her decision to give up William. If she had been questioned by the Bureau, what she’d told them, if anything.

No one had found them yet, at least. Scully took comfort in that. But she had to talk to her mother. It wasn’t just a wish, it was a need. It would be quick, and she and Mulder planned to leave this place tomorrow anyway. It would be okay.

 _It’s worth the risk_ , she tried to convince herself. _Just to hear her voice again_.

She dialed the number and waited, hoping beyond hope her mother wasn’t screening. After four rings:

_“Hello?”_

Scully’s breath caught in her throat and she couldn’t speak at first. She only had a couple minutes. She needed to act fast, but her mouth was dry. A few empty seconds passed and she worried her mother might hang up.

_“... Dana… is that you?”_

“We’re okay, Mom,” she finally got out. She heard her mother exhale on the other end.

“ _Thank God_ ,” she heard her mother whisper. “ _Where are you? Can you say?_ ”

“I can’t, I’m sorry.” No doubt her mother’s line was being tapped. She could only hope the FBI had other, higher priorities at the moment. “I had to call, Mom, just let you know we’re alive, and we’re okay.”

She heard her mother crying, and suddenly worried this call might have brought more pain than comfort. That hadn’t been her intention.

“Mom, this will all be over soon, I promise. I’m sorry to put you through this,” she apologized. She wondered if she’d be apologizing to her mother for something the rest of her life.

“ _Dana, I’ve worried about you every single day since you joined the FBI. Since you were born, in fact. This is nothing new for me,”_ she said between sniffles.

Scully understood. She thought of William every day, too. It still hurt to think about her son so she tried to think of something else.

“ _How is Fox?”_ her mother asked.

“He… he’s Mulder. The same,” she said. “Fugitive life hasn’t changed him a bit.” She thought of his affinity for paranoia in everyday life, how being in hiding warranted it. It made her smile, oddly. Anything that felt like normal, or at least _their_ normal, gave her comfort.

“ _But... it’s changed you?”_

She nodded to herself. Her fingers automatically went to her hair, now dark mahogany from the boxed hair color she’d bought at a drug store several months ago. She looked different, she felt different. “I miss you all terribly.”

_“Bill has been in rare form. He’s been saying Fox is a criminal and all kinds of terrible things. He’s upset he’s dragged you into all this. What’s going on? Is that true?”_

Scully felt her blood start to boil. She wished her mother hadn’t mentioned her brother at all, this was not what she needed to hear right now.

“Mulder hasn’t done anything wrong, Mom. He didn’t murder anyone. This is all a huge setup. I hope you can believe me.”

“ _Of course I do, Dana. I know Fox wouldn’t put you at risk for anything if it wasn’t completely necessary.”_

Scully wondered if that were true. She’d put herself at risk time and time again for Mulder, as he’d done for her. She’d willingly taken on each and every risk for him, because it was her only option every single time and her heart knew it, even before her brain did. But had all their risks been necessary? Maybe she’d never know.

Maybe it didn’t even matter.

Time was running out. Aliens, monsters, government goons, she’d take them all over _time_ , their greatest adversary.

“Hey Mom… do you remember that time Dad loaded us all in the car and we took that trip and Charlie got food poisoning and threw up all over the hotel room?”

Her mom was silent a moment. “Y _es_.”

“I just… wanted to remind you about that story.” Scully knew she’d remember, and would now know exactly where she and Mulder were without her having to say it out loud. After a beat, her mom got it.

“ _It was a… memorable trip, that’s for sure. Thank you for reminding me.”_

“I’ve got to go now. I’ll try to call again when I can. I just wanted to tell you I’m okay and I love you.”

_“I love you too, sweetheart.”_

She clicked the phone off and looked at the time of the call. One minute, thirty eight seconds. She closed her eyes and shook her head at the injustice of this entire situation. Being forced underground by the very institution she’d dedicated her life to for years, risked her own safety for, was galling. The Bureau’s relentless vendetta against Mulder all these years was only further evidence his quest had been completely justified.

More than anything, she felt palpable disappointment _this_ had to be the way they would start their lives together as a real couple. Their relationship hadn’t actually changed much over the years; they loved each other well before they’d voiced it. But something told her at the moment they voiced it they became something different to the outside world. That much was evident when that jackass prosecutor tried to disqualify her testimony for Mulder simply because they were in a sexual relationship.

She had never wanted their relationship to jeopardize their work, much less their lives. She wondered if they’d delayed taking that particular plunge somewhat unconsciously for that reason. Placing their trust so implicitly in one another had been one thing. Allowing it to show to others so openly in this way was quite another.

Yes, things were different. It would be an adjustment. It was the way she wanted it, though. She wouldn’t change it now. Like she had told Mulder; for him, she would do it all over again.

She quickly removed the SIM card from the phone and crushed it with her foot, throwing everything into a nearby garbage can, the déjà vu of the situation painfully obvious. She had to get back to the motel room before Mulder noticed she’d been gone.

 

***

 

She swiped her keycard in the door. This motel was particularly shittier than the last one they’d been in, but still somehow had keycard locks. She quietly slipped in, hoping he was still asleep.

He wasn’t.

“Where did you go? Where have you been?” He was sitting on the edge on the bed. It was dark in the room, and the light streaming through the blinds from the street lights outside made it look like he was wearing old- fashioned prison clothing. _How apropos,_ she thought. He sounded more mad than worried, and it annoyed her.

“I was just taking a walk, calm down.”

“Scully, you can’t do that, you can’t just leave the room without telling me. You know that.”

Her annoyance was quickly evolving into anger. She couldn’t help it. She hated practically everything about this situation, and he was the only one here to take it out on. “I didn’t realize you’d become my keeper.”

He eyed her, knowing there was more. “Where were you, really?”

She sighed, part of her not wanting to keep secrets from him, another part of her well aware he’d get it out of her anyway. “I was calling my mom.”

He blinked. “You what? How?”

“It’s okay, I used one of those burner phones, I bought it with cash weeks ago. It was less than two minutes and I destroyed it after.”

“And what, was that worth them finding us? What if they find us? That was so stupid, Scully!”

He was tired, worn out from this life. They were both on edge. She knew his anger was about more than this phone call, but right now she was irritated at his overreaction. She only wanted to talk to her mother, and he couldn’t understand that, he couldn’t sympathize in the same way.

“Maybe it was stupid. Maybe I did it anyway,” she challenged.

His eyes flashed and she was reminded of a moment a couple years ago in a car when she saw the same look, that look that meant he was pissed, that he wanted to scream at her, or maybe just fuck her. Typically she’d probably let this go where it might, but tonight she wanted to be pissed right back.

“I can’t believe you’d risk getting caught,” he said angrily. “You know if they find us, I’m as good as dead, right? Maybe we should just let it happen. Maybe then you’d be better off.”

She could feel her face getting hot. Sometimes he could be such an asshole.

“Fuck you, Mulder.”

She could tell from his expression he knew he’d gone too far, but she wasn’t going to let him apologize. She just wanted him out of her sight. She pushed past him and went into the bathroom, slamming the door.

The fact that he didn’t try to follow her in might have lost him points with some other woman. But she needed him to leave her alone right now, and he knew that. The simple fact that in this heated moment he still somehow knew exactly what she needed made her even angrier for some reason.

She knew the reason, actually. It was things like this that made it impossible to leave him.

 

***

 

After a while, she turned the light off in the bathroom and quietly came back into the bedroom. Mulder looked like he was asleep in the bed. She quietly slipped in and turned her back to him.

He wasn’t asleep. She could hear him turn over to face her. He didn’t touch her but he came up close, right behind her. She could feel him there, his breath warm on her neck. Then he pushed aside her dark hair and she felt him gently touch the scar on the back of her neck with his fingertip.

“Sometimes I forget,” he said softly. “I forget how much you gave up for me. I’m sorry, Scully. I don’t have anyone else, you are all I have. So sometimes… I forget.”

She felt tears welling in her eyes and turned over in the bed to face him. “I don’t want to fight with you, Mulder,” she said quietly.

“We don’t fight,” he agreed. “Fighting isn’t us. That was… I didn’t like that. Can you forgive me?”

Her hand went to his cheek and she nodded. “I’m sorry, too.”

He was right, they didn’t fight. They disagreed plenty, but they rarely raised their voices to each other. Maybe it was years and years of honing their ability to disagree politely, because it had been necessary. They couldn’t really fight about the things they talked about at work because it would have been unprofessional, inappropriate. It was a rare “pro” in her mind of having waited so long to make things intimate between them.

At the same time, this professional wall they’d erected between them had hampered their ability to communicate their feelings as effectively as they needed to. _That_ was most certainly a “con.” She knew they had no one to blame for that but themselves, but knowing that didn’t make the communicating part any easier.

She wondered, as she often did, if elevating their relationship into its current state had rendered it susceptible to weakness in a way it hadn’t been before. So much more was at stake now, not to mention the intensity of their current situation. They didn’t just get to _be_ a normal couple. It hadn’t been in the cards for them.

“Right now you are all I have too, Mulder,” she whispered, a tear breaking free and sliding down her cheek.

“I know that, and I’m so grateful you’re here with me, Scully, you have no idea,” he said as he wiped the tear from her face with his thumb.

“I had to hear her voice. I _had_ to. I took every precaution. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just knew you wouldn’t like it.”

He tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and pulled her into him, wrapping a leg around her.

“How is she?”

She smiled. “She seemed okay. She asked how you were.”

“And how am I?”

“You’re… Mulder.”

He chuckled weakly and rubbed her back a bit. They lay there quietly for a couple minutes. “Do you think…?” he trailed off.

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“No, tell me,” she pressed. Any time she had the courage to press him she took it as a personal victory.

He sighed. “Do you think you’d be here with me right now if things had gone differently between us?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean if… we were different. If things were like they were, you know. Before.”

“You mean before all the sex?”

“Yeah. Not just that. Before everything changed. Before _you and me_ became… _us.”_

She thought about this. It was funny he’d brought it up, since she had just been wondering the same thing.

“I think... we were always _us._ I don’t think that part changed. So yes, I would still be here with you. Putting up with your bullshit with or without the sex.”

She believed it, truly. There was something comforting in that belief.

“ _With_ makes it a little better, right?” he laughed.

“Yes. A lot better.”

“That’s a relief,” he exhaled.

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

“Have I ever told you you’re the best I ever had, Scully?”

“No,” she smiled. “No one’s ever told me that before.”

“Huh. That’s a shame. Maybe I will someday.”

She poked him in the ribs and they laughed.

He held her tighter. “Everything will be okay. We’re gonna be fine. Everything will be fine.”

Everything will be fine.

_Will it?_

“This is so hard, Mulder. I love you but it’s so hard. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”

“I know. I hope it won’t be much longer. It will get easier, it has to.”

She could only hope he was right. Hope had been their guiding light, their fuel. Hope was all they had. Hope, and each other.

 

***

 

After so many months, they tried to convince themselves the FBI couldn’t possibly still be looking for them, because they’d surely have tracked them down by now. It didn’t make them behave any less carefully, but it eased their minds a bit, even if it wasn’t true. It felt true.

Scully didn’t attempt to make another call for eight more weeks, but this time she told Mulder as they were sitting in yet another motel room, eating yet another takeout lunch.

“I think I want to call my mom again.”

He looked up from his sandwich. She told him she’d taken all the standard necessary precautions and he agreed.

“I want to be there with you,” he added. She nodded in understanding. He wasn’t an extremely social person, and they had each other, but the loneliness of this life was draining, even for him.

They made the call from the room this time, their fear lessening by the day.

“... _Hello?”_

“Hi, Mom.”

 

***

 

She hung up the phone and looked at him, tears in her eyes. Her mother had told them AD Skinner had contacted her a couple weeks ago to let her know Scully was no longer being pursued by the FBI.

She was free.

Mulder lunged forward and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly, and she let the tears of relief fall.

 “I can go home, I can see my family….” she started to say, but as soon as the words came out she realized the harsh truth. _She_ would be safe, but Mulder would not. Maybe he never would be.

She held him close and thought hard, trying to think of a way out. He wasn’t saying anything, just holding her tight, and she could feel his heart pounding.

“Mulder…” she said wearily. She pulled back slowly to look at him, and could see tears in his eyes.

“This is great news, Scully,” he smiled, and she could see he was trying his hardest not to let his truth show: that he was devastated. She was free to leave him now. She was free to make a different choice. She knew that was what he was thinking. She didn’t want him to think that for even one more second.

“I’m not leaving you,” she said firmly. His smile faded quickly.

“Yes you are,” he countered. “Scully, you have a chance now, you need to take it.”

She shook her head. “No. I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“Please don’t do this, please…” he closed his eyes, shaking his head.

“You want me to leave now? After everything we’ve been through? No,” she said again. “I won’t.”

He looked up at her, and she could see his efforts to hold back his tears were proving themselves to be for naught. “You gave up everything to be here with me. You don’t have to do that anymore.”

“Mulder, if I leave you behind I _would_ be giving up everything,” she replied. It was her truth. It always had been. “Don’t ask me to make the wrong decision. It’s the wrong one and you know it,” she said as she pulled him into her again. They held each other for a long time.

“I can’t possibly be worth any of this, Scully,” he finally said into her shoulder, after what felt like an eternity. “Every day I wake up and wonder why you’re still here with me.”

She pulled back and held his face, made him look at her. “You need to stop this, stop doubting yourself and everything you mean to me. Just stop.”

He looked at her and she knew he was fighting back tears the best he could.

“I have to believe we have a future together, Mulder. No matter what you learned, no matter how hopeless things seem. I have to believe in us. _We_ have to believe in us.”

“I do believe in us, Scully. It’s the only thing I do still believe in.”

“I meant what I said when we started this life. This wasn’t a hard decision for me to make. I choose you,” she said with finality. “I will always choose you, no matter what.”

“But what about your family?” As happy as she was making him by staying, she knew he never wanted any of this. He never wanted his happiness to be at her expense. How could she make him understand that wasn’t the case?

She once again looked into his eyes and said the only thing she could think to say, the only thing that mattered.

“You _are_ my family, Mulder.”

She leaned in and kissed him, and could feel his mouth searching hers for a truth he already knew, that she loved him and he loved her and they were in this together. They stood up together in the motel room they’d called home for three days and pulled apart briefly, looking into each other’s eyes and finding the truth there as well. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled herself into him tightly, her lips pressed against his, feeling every part of him she couldn’t live without and only wanted this right now, only him, always.

It didn’t matter that they’d already made love twice that morning; it was all they had and she was grateful for that, grateful for him, every single time. So many long years of wanting this and not having it; now they were making up for lost time. So many years of learning the intricacies of each other's minds; now they were free to learn the same about each other's bodies. It all felt like physical evidence of the truth they’d both denied themselves for so long, and they couldn’t get enough.

This was their life now: each other and an endless succession of beds. What else did they have to do? So they made love like the world was coming to an end. Which it was.

“I want to make a home with you,” he whispered into her ear after they both came down together, her fingers gripping his scalp, her body on top of his, limbs tangled together in the sheets. She could hardly believe her ears.

“You do?”

He nodded and softly kissed her nose. She closed her eyes and tried to catch her breath, laying her head on his chest and appreciating how romantic all this was; just the two of them, on the run from the law, against the world. And now that the world was ending, it truly was the two of them against the world.

“I never thought I’d hear you say that, Mulder,” she admitted. She couldn’t help but wonder if the mere possibility of losing her had switched something on in his brain. They’d discussed living together before, just after William was born, but that was… _before_. When things were perfect for a while. When things were too good to be true.

“I think I’m ready, Scully,” he continued. “My entire life I’ve been running, searching. Always moving. Now I know what it’s like not to have a choice in the matter. I want to stop.”

She smiled. She’d been waiting for him to say this for a long time.

He continued. “I said to you a couple years ago if I stopped I wouldn’t know what I’d be missing. Now I know what I would be missing if I didn’t stop, and that’s you.”

She remembered. He’d said that not long before their relationship changed forever. “I really wish this were under better circumstances, Mulder. We can’t seem to catch a break.”

“What else is new?” he laughed, and she leaned in to kiss him again, his stubble scratchy under her lips, his skin sweaty underneath her. She loved laying on top of him this way, her body fitting perfectly with his, feeling the weight of him below her as he grazed his fingertips along her shoulders.

She lived for these moments lately; everything was absolute shit just outside the door but she could forget for a while because she was here with him, and for them, right now in this crappy motel room, things were perfect.

She daydreamed a bit about living with him. What would that be like? They’d essentially been living together like nomads for months, and while the intensity of their situation afforded Mulder a pass on some things she might normally chide him for, none of his habits had struck her as particularly alarming. She’d known him well, for a long time, but she was also well aware living with a person was different.

It wouldn’t be perfect, but it would be him and her, together. It might work.

“So we’re doing this, Mulder? Putting down roots, living together? For real?”

He nodded. “You want to, right?”

She wanted to. “Yes, I want to, more than anything.”

He grinned and kissed her again as she started to picture what this could be like. Where would they live? Where could she find work? What would Mulder do all day? What kind of adjustments would they have to make to keep him safe?

“We have to be prepared for the possibility this is a trick, to flush you out, Mulder,” she pointed out.

“Not Skinner, Scully. He wouldn’t do that.”

She wanted to believe that was true. Trusting him was their only option at the moment.

“I hope you’re right. But we still need to be careful. How are we going to do this?” she asked.

“Well, if the FBI is really not interested in you anymore, you’re free to live wherever you want. Where would you want to live?”

She hadn’t thought about it much lately. “I think… it would have to be somewhere secluded. Isolated. So I can hide my fugitive boyfriend,” she grinned.

“Your fugitive boyfriend thanks you for that consideration,” he said as he slowly kissed her neck. “Where should we look for this… secluded place?”

She rolled off him so he could have better access to her neck. As tired as she was, she was not opposed to round four. She didn’t think she ever would be.

“I’m thinking… somewhere close to home, actually,” she said, surprising herself. He stopped kissing and looked at her.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“Honestly, close to home is the last place they’d be looking for you. And if I’m truly safe, it shouldn’t matter. Besides, I want to be somewhat close to my mom. She’s been through enough, I couldn’t bear to leave her alone again.”

He was nodding. “That’s a good point. Okay.”

She closed her eyes as he began gently sucking on her earlobe, his fingers circling her belly button.

“Maybe I could finally get back to medicine,” she said. It was getting harder to focus with his tongue doing its thing, but she wanted to get these thoughts out. “It would be a good opportunity to start over, I think.”

“Mmm,” he said, pretty much done with the conversation for now.

“What about you, Mulder? What will you do with all your free time?”

The truth was, she worried about him being alone and idle. She thought of the Lone Gunmen, and as much as she adored them she couldn’t count the times she assumed their life might be Mulder’s someday; underground, consumed by his obsession. She pictured him in his basement office the day she met him, the conclusions she’d jumped to, the twinge of guilt she’d felt for doing so. But it was a concern of hers all the same.

The FBI had given him purpose, direction. His passion, when directed at something worthwhile was truly something special. But stuck in the same place all day, every day, nowhere to go, no truths to search for? Would she be enough for him? Coming home at the end of the day, redirecting his focus, being there for him as much as she could. Would it be enough?

As much as she loved him, as much as she wanted to be with him this way, she had her doubts. He said he wanted to slow down, but she never considered him built for the domestic life.

Then there were questions about their future, a future she hardly dared dream about. They were still relatively young. She still wanted to have a family with him and wondered if she’d ever stop hoping for that. They’d failed at this endeavor; twice, in fact. She couldn’t help but wonder if they weren’t meant to be parents at all.

She was also terrified to bring it up; she had never properly discussed the William situation with Mulder since it happened, and with everything going on in their lives right now it hadn’t come up organically. It seemed, as usual with them, the further they got from the topic the more difficult it was to bring it up. She worried they never would.

“We’ll have plenty of time to come up with all the ways I can use my _plenty of time_ , Scully.” He grinned and propped his head up onto one elbow, his fingers grazing her hip bone. He looked her in the eyes suggestively. “We’ll think of something.”

She smiled at him. It was a phrase they’d used frequently over the past several months of boredom, a phrase that meant Mulder was ready for another go around as well. She leaned in to kiss him, relegating her worries to the back of her mind just for now. His fingers slowly started working their way down her body as she closed her eyes, but her contentment vanished in an instant when a bullet suddenly came whizzing through the window.

She cursed her complacency. Just when she’d allowed herself to dream it was torn away from her yet again.

Mulder’s eyes widened in fear and he instinctively threw his body over hers, rolling them over and off the bed. They crashed to the floor together in a heap. She was caught off guard and felt completely vulnerable, wearing a camisole and not much else. They hadn’t had a close call or anything resembling one in months and she was woefully unprepared.

Luckily, the two weapons Scully had retained for them were on the nightstand on the side of the bed they’d landed on. They each reached for one, ducked down, and waited.

Mulder leaned back against the wall next to the nightstand and looked at her in alarm. His eyes darted to the bathroom, then to her. She took the hint and scrambled across the room as low as she could, weapon drawn.

She rounded the doorframe and spotted a pair of Mulder’s boxers on the floor and was momentarily thrilled he was such a slob. She pulled them on quickly, thinking she’d be damned if she were found dead in this shitty motel room with nothing on from the waist down. She backed against the wall and waited.

Nothing.

She peered around the corner to look for Mulder. He was crouched down behind the nightstand, eyes glued to the door. They stayed that way quietly for several minutes until the phone started ringing.

He looked at her, and she recognized the fear on his face. She felt a pang she’d felt hundreds of times before: fear for him. He slowly crossed over to the phone and answered.

“Hello?”

She watched his face and he looked up at her, the fear in his eyes rapidly dissipating. She felt her own body calm as she watched him relax.

“Yeah, we’re okay. Thank you for letting us know.”

He hung up. “That was the motel manager, apparently there was a robbery down the street involving some crazed gunman. He said they caught him.”

“So… that wasn’t… meant for us?”

He shook his head and she crossed the room to him, wrapping him into an embrace. She could feel the cold metal of his gun against her back, his arms holding her tight, and the fact that he didn’t seem to care or notice he was stark naked, and she suddenly began to laugh into his chest at the absurdity of the situation.

“What’s funny?”

She leaned back to look up at him, keeping her body flush against his for all the right reasons.

“It just occurred to me I’ve never seen anything hotter than you, completely naked, with your weapon drawn.”

He raised his brows. “Me? Look at you. I don’t know which is hotter; you wearing my underwear or you wearing none at all.”

She’d been afraid, they both had. But now that they knew they were safe the only thing she wanted to do was get back to what they were doing before. And thanks to him having nothing on, she could definitely feel that he wanted exactly the same thing.

She took his weapon from his hand and placed them both on the nightstand. They looked at each other for a second, then he scooped her up and she wrapped her legs around him and it was almost as if a rogue bullet hadn’t almost killed them both a few minutes ago.

“I didn’t realize nearly getting killed turned you on so much, Scully,” he said as he walked her backwards. She pulled him back down onto the bed and they got their round four.

“You know, you giggle a lot during sex,” Mulder said afterwards.

She immediately felt embarrassed. “No, I do not.”

He laughed. “You do! You do, and I love it. I love to see you happy, Scully.”

He did make her happy, happier than she thought possible. She wouldn’t describe herself as a particularly serious person but she prided herself on her strength in most scenarios. She did not consider herself a giggler. She didn’t feel like arguing about something silly, however, especially when she knew he was probably right.

“Well, I’m happy to entertain you, Mulder.”

“Hey,” he said gently. “Come on. I’m not making fun. Your laugh is one of my very favorite things. Combine that with sex and it’s goddamn euphoria.”

She snuggled into him and smiled. Whatever floated his boat. They were quiet for a while then he suddenly said something she had heard him say once before, in jest.

“Marry me, Scully.”

For a moment she assumed he was kidding, again. So she responded in kind.

“Oh, brother.”

But he tipped her face up to look at him and she knew he meant it. He, Fox Mulder, wanted to marry her. He was serious.

“I mean it. Will you?”

She didn’t know what to say. In the entire time she’d known him, the idea of actually putting on a white dress and walking down an aisle and saying vows and calling him her husband was not a scenario she had honestly ever pictured. It didn’t feel right. She wasn’t sure why, not at the moment. But he’d just presented it to her as a real option and she knew she was already taking too long to answer.

“Why do you want to get married, Mulder?”

It was the first thing she could think of to say. She truly wanted to know. Other than when he joked around, it was never something he’d told her he wanted, with anyone, even back when they were just partners.

“Because… because I love you,” he said, as if he was telling her the most obvious thing on the planet.

“Well, so do I,” she replied. “That doesn’t answer my question, though.”

“It’s… what people do?” was his next try.

“We’re not ‘people,’ Mulder,” she sighed.

“Wow, you’re really not making this whole proposal thing as fun as I thought it would be.”

She knew he was joking, but he sounded a bit hurt. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings. This was just so unexpected. They were laying naked in a shitty motel room, having just nearly been shot. It hadn’t been meant for them, but perhaps in a way it was a sign; a sign that the danger was still near. The darkness was still near. He was a wanted fugitive. They hadn’t found a place to live. She didn’t even look like herself anymore.

Oh, and she hadn’t really asked him how he felt about her giving their son up to strangers. That was something she wouldn’t forget easily.

She loved him more than anything but she couldn’t say yes to him. Not here, not right now.

“Mulder?”

“Hmm?”

She stared at the ceiling. “Will you hate me if I tell you ‘no’ today?”

“I will never hate you,” he responded. “And there’s always tomorrow.”

She snuggled back into him again and he held her like he always did, the way she loved him to. She wasn’t sure what their future held, what it would be like. She didn't know how many tomorrows they had left. She knew their options were limited. But she did know that being without him wasn’t a viable one.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is my personal favorite. Mulder and Scully on the run in motel rooms is the hottest post-finale scenario I can think of. We didn't get to see it, but we can imagine it. So thanks, Chris Carter, for that finale.


	11. All the things that you wanted for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie helps Mulder and Scully find a home.
> 
> "Maggie watched Fox open his hand and Dana interlaced their fingers together as they looked at their new home. It was moments like this she never got to see. She kept silent because she thought maybe they’d forgotten she was even in the car and seeing them behave like a real couple was something she had wanted to witness in the flesh for some time. It was like seeing some rare creature in its natural habitat; special and fleeting."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place between the events of “The Truth” and “I Want to Believe.”

 

 

 

**MAGGIE**

**(2003)**

 

Maggie sat on a bench overlooking the reflecting pool and looked at the Washington Monument. She rarely came into the city anymore but today was a special occasion.

She had waited for months, and she was waiting again. She missed her daughter terribly and could hardly believe she was about to see her. She found it hard to understand how exactly Dana and Fox had found themselves the center of such a struggle, forced underground by the very institution they’d dedicated their lives to, and her heart went out to them. But now her daughter was free, and safe, and she was going to see her any minute.

She wasn’t expecting not to recognize her, which is exactly what happened. A woman with dark brown hair was approaching her and it wasn’t until her arms were practically wrapped around her that she realized it was Dana.

“Mom,” was all she said, and the rest was just sobbing. Maggie was crying too, and Dana sat next to her on the bench and just clung to her mother. The thought occurred to her the last time she’d seen her daughter was the night she’d told her she was giving up William.

The last several months had been very hard. Not only had Maggie lost her grandchild, but her daughter had disappeared. All she knew was that she’d done it to be with Fox; that he’d been wrongly accused of murder and sentenced to death. He’d somehow escaped and Dana was hiding with him. She could hardly be surprised; if Fox was in trouble she knew Dana wouldn’t be far behind. He would do the same for her. It’s the way those two functioned.

After a couple minutes they pulled apart. Maggie touched Dana’s dark hair and ran her fingers through it. “Look at you, I hardly recognized you,” she smiled.

Dana laughed. “It’s strange, I know.”

“How is Fox?”

“He’s okay, Mom. We both are.”

Maggie proceeded with caution. “So… what’s next, now? Where do you two go from here?”

“We’re working on that. Mulder is still technically a fugitive, so… there are things we need to figure out.”

They were both quiet for a moment. “He wanted me to go, to be with you. To start over. He told me I should leave him.”

Maggie’s eyes widened.

“I’m not, Mom. I could never,” Dana assured her. Maggie took a breath.

“Ever,” Dana reaffirmed.

She knew her daughter would never leave Fox, in the face of everything he was the one thing she could never forsake. As unpredictable as their lives had been over the years, she had complete confidence in that. Maggie sat back into the bench and stared out at the water.

“But because of that, things… won’t be the way they were before, Mom,” Dana continued. “Not for awhile. I just need you to know that.”

Maggie nodded. “Will I be able to see him? To see you both, together?”

“I hope so. We’re trying to find a place to live right now that can meet some specific needs, and once we do that… maybe. Maybe then.”

“Where are you looking? What kinds of needs?”

Dana sighed. “Something local but… isolated. I’m going to have to find a job somehow, and pretend I have no idea what happened to him.”

Maggie shook her head. “How long will you be able to keep that up?”

“I don’t know. As long as I have to. Until he’s safe again.”

Maggie marveled at these two, and their unwavering devotion to each other in the face of impossible obstacles. She couldn’t count, couldn’t recall the amount of times she’d seen it over the years. It filled her heart with pride that her daughter had found someone to love, who loved her so much. In the midst of all this sorrow and hardship they would persist. It gave her more hope than most things did.

“I’m so proud of you, honey.”

“Proud?” Dana smiled. “For what, keeping myself alive?”

“For not giving up,” Maggie said. “I don’t know how you do it.” She did know, really. She was in love once, too.

Dana took her mother’s hand and squeezed it. “That’s sweet of you to say,” she said, but there was a sadness in her face Maggie could detect. She knew Dana was thinking about William, and she hadn’t meant to imply that at all. So she changed the subject.

“I’m not sure what kind of place you two are looking for, but there’s been a flyer on the church bulletin board for weeks. Small house, not much to look at from the photos but it’s definitely isolated and might be exactly what you need. It’s in Farr’s Corner.”

“Where is that?” Dana asked.

“Exactly,” Maggie replied. “Want to have a look? I can send you the information if you’d like.”

“Sure, thanks. We really have no idea where to start anyway.”

She exhaled loudly and glanced surreptitiously around the mall. “I’m sorry Mom, but... I still feel a bit uncomfortable out in public like this. I know that feeling will go away but I think Mulder’s paranoia has rubbed off on me a bit.”

“It’s okay. You go back to Fox and send him my love.”

Dana hugged her again, and Maggie could feel tears of happiness welling up.

“I’m so happy to see you, Dana.”

“Me too, Mom. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She watched her daughter walk away and from behind she appeared to be a different person. Something about her countenance had changed as well, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on what. There was a calmness in her voice when she spoke about Fox today. Rather than the usual ambivalence, Maggie heard conviction.

She tried to imagine what life on the run must have been like for them, how terrifying and exhausting and isolating. They had each other, however, and she knew there were probably no two people better suited for that kind of forced codependence.

She truly hoped they could find somewhere they could have some peace. After everything they’d been through, they deserved as much.

 

***

 

Since Fox couldn’t, Maggie joined Dana on the walk-through of the house in Farr’s Corner. As they approached the house Maggie felt the peace she’d been praying for, and she hoped Dana felt it too. The quicker Dana and Fox decided on a place for themselves the quicker they could attempt to find some normalcy again.

The realtor explained the house had been vacant for several months and had not sold. It came furnished, which was one of their specific needs. It had a crawl space for hiding purposes, which was their second. It was well off the beaten path, and they were accepting cash offers.

“Price is good,” Maggie said quietly as they walked into the living room.

“That’s not really an issue for us, but I like the idea that no one else wants to live here.”

Maggie watched Dana carefully as she wandered around the living room. She ran her fingers along a leather armchair, deep in thought.

“What do you think, honey?” Maggie asked her.

“Honestly, it reminds me of Mulder’s old apartment. A lot.”

“Well, that’s promising.”

“You’d think,” Dana retorted. “Maybe it’s just because he’s a bit of a slob. Everything looks a little… dingy in here.”

Maggie thought it looked a bit old fashioned, and definitely lived in, but not _dingy_. The floor plan was open and airy, the wood paneling and brick accents were charming, and she thought it all suited them nicely. But in the end it was up to Dana.

“Let’s check out the upstairs,” Dana said. Her face was still unreadable, as ever. Maggie followed her up the wooden stairs, which looked to be in good condition. There was a master bedroom and one extra room. Maggie tried not to think about the obvious implications for that room and hoped Dana wasn’t thinking of that either.

Dana walked into the master bedroom and sat on the bed. She laid down and looked at the ceiling.

“Mom, come over here. Lay down.”

Maggie walked around to the other side of the bed and laid next to her. She looked up at the ceiling, too. Above them was a skylight, and she saw bright blue sky and white clouds.

“Do you think we’ll be able to see the stars way out here?”

It was a reasonable question. Sometimes being near the city made such a request impossible. But Farr’s Corner was a good hour from D.C. proper, and the odds were good.

“I think you will.”

Dana nodded. “I think Mulder would like that.”

It seemed like such a simple thing, but that made it all the more special. Maggie smiled at her daughter’s thoughtfulness, knowing Fox would not have a chance to see the place they would call home for the foreseeable future until it had been chosen without him. And that he wouldn’t have much opportunity to leave it, either.

“Well?” She turned her head to look at Dana, who was still staring up through the skylight.

“I still can’t quite believe this, that I’m actually looking at a house, to buy. For me and Mulder.”

She sighed, and Maggie figured she was imagining lying here with Fox, looking up at the stars.

“I have a good feeling about this place, Mom. I can’t explain it. It’s worn, but loved. Someone loved this house. It’s not perfect but it feels right. Kind of like me and Mulder.”

Maggie smiled and squeezed her hand. “I’m happy you two are making this decision, to live together,” she said honestly. Dana might not believe her, since she had always been as traditional as they came, but somehow Dana and Fox had turned that philosophy upside down in her mind. They never did anything in any typical way, but they made it work.

She wondered, of course, if they ever planned to get married or try again to start a family someday. They were still young, and she was hopeful that Fox wouldn’t have to hide underground forever.

“Are you, Mom?” Dana turned her head to ask. “I know this isn’t an ideal situation for you.”

“Are you happy, sweetheart?”

It wasn’t a question, it was _the_ question. And there was only one answer at the moment.

“Yes,” Dana replied.

“Then I’m happy for you,” Maggie said.

 

***

 

Maggie was thrilled that she had helped choose the house that her daughter and Fox would make into a home. Dana seemed pleased, while not overjoyed, but having hit all their criteria, the run-down condition of the house was something she figured they could live with. She found something humorous about the idea of Fox as a handyman, however, and once Maggie had suggested maybe he could fix the place up a bit Dana continued to laugh about such a scenario for the next hour.

Before they could move in, Dana wanted to bring him by the house, perhaps to temper his expectations. Maggie asked to join them, and was so desirous to see him again that Dana acquiesced readily.

Maggie waited outside a coffee shop a couple miles from the house. She saw a car pull up, Fox in the passenger seat. As Dana stopped the car Maggie could see a smile break out across his face, and he opened the door as she walked over.

It had been almost two years since she’d seen his face, but he looked the same, handsome as ever. He enveloped her in a hug, and she didn’t really know what to say, but he did.

“Hi.”

She laughed. “Hello, Fox. It’s so good to see your face.”

He smiled. “It’s good to see you too, Mrs. Scully. It’s been… too long.”

“It certainly has. I’m happy to see you two are landing on your feet. Sort of.”

“Scully seems to think this place is a dump.”

Dana crossed her arms. “I never said the word ‘dump,’" she insisted. “He asked me to describe the house to him.”

“What did you say?” Maggie asked.

“She said it was perfectly unremarkable,” Mulder answered.

Maggie laughed. “That’s a far cry from ‘dump,’ I think.”

“Unremarkable is exactly what we need right now, Mulder,” Dana pointed out.

They all piled into the car, Fox offering Maggie the front seat but she declined. She thought Dana was being a bit presumptuous, and that Fox would be just fine with the place. But as they turned down the long dirt driveway, nothing could have prepared her for his reaction.

“Wow,” he said.

“I know,” Dana replied, trying to hide her mild disappointment. But he was not disappointed.

“It’s perfect,” he said. Dana looked confused for a second, as if she couldn’t tell if he was kidding.

“...You think?” she asked cautiously.

He was nodding and smiling. “This is exactly what I pictured.”

“Pictured when?”

“Well, any time I’d picture settling down. I told you, once. You remember, back in Home? Pennsylvania?”

Maggie saw Dana thinking for a moment. “Oh yeah. I do remember that. It was so unlike you at the time, it stuck out.”

“Just like this,” he nodded. “With you.”

“Even way back then? Come on, Mulder.”

“No, I did. Even subconsciously I think I always imagined my future with you. Never without.” He reached out and took her hand, and she smiled at him, and they both just looked out the window, at their new house, at their future.

Maggie watched Fox open his hand and Dana interlaced their fingers together as they looked at their new home. It was moments like this she never got to see. She kept silent because she thought maybe they’d forgotten she was even in the car and seeing them behave like a real couple was something she had wanted to witness in the flesh for some time. It was like seeing some rare creature in its natural habitat; special and fleeting.

“Well, Mom, I guess he likes it,” Dana said without turning around. They hadn’t forgotten she was there. They were just different now. They were something else.

“It suits you both. I’ll be happy to visit whenever you’ll have me,” Maggie replied.

“It’s definitely better than The Falls at Arcadia,” Dana said, and Fox laughed as if it was some inside joke between them. “Not quite as good as the creepy house full of inbreds, though. Dare to dream, I suppose.”

“That’s true, it’s no Home, Pennsylvania,” Fox agreed. Then he looked at her. “But it’s _our_ home.”

 


	12. Give me that little kiss, give me your hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully and Mulder spend Christmas with Maggie and Bill Jr.'s family. Drama ensues.
> 
>  
> 
> “Why are you still here? Hanging around with my sister? You don’t work together anymore. She’s paid her dues with you, more than paid them. What more can you possibly want from her?”
> 
> Mulder stood up then, and glared at his brother-in-law. Scully didn’t want this to escalate any further. She reached for his hand and pulled softly.
> 
> “It’s okay, Mulder. Just leave it.”
> 
> “No,” he said. “It’s not okay. It’s not okay at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after the events of “I Want to Believe.” In my headcanon, IWTB took place early 2008, Mulder and Scully got married that following spring/ summer, and they weren’t with Bill’s family Christmas 2008. So 2009 is the first time they were all together at Maggie’s house.
> 
> Additional reference (and the proposal that stuck): [chapter 15 of Culmination, ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748734/chapters/34426004)

 

 

 

 

 

**SCULLY**

**(2009)**

 

It rarely snowed this time of year in DC, but as Scully looked out the front window of her mother’s house she could see it beginning. A white Christmas, in spite of everything. It felt like a sign of something hopeful.

Mulder came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. “Your mom says dinner is ready,” he said into her ear. She had no intention of moving an inch, and he stood there with her, both of them just watching the first few flakes begin to fall.

“We haven’t had a white Christmas in twenty years,” Scully observed.

“Really? Is this Fun Weather Facts with Dr. Scully?” Mulder chuckled.

She gently elbowed him in the chest. “It’s true. My mom and I were talking about it earlier. Seems so right that it would happen this year. It’s like a fresh start for us.”

She took his hand and held it close to her heart, closing her eyes and taking it all in. They were free, and safe. The FBI wasn’t after him anymore. He’d proposed to her in the Maldives. They married shortly after.

He was her husband now. _Mulder._

“I just want to enjoy this,” she told him. “Everything feels perfect right now.”

“It really does,” he agreed. “It’s a nice change.” He leaned around to kiss her temple.

“Is Bill behaving himself?” she ventured, not really wanting to know the answer. She felt him shrug.

“He’s Bill. He hates me.”

She laughed. “Tara and Matty like you. My mom likes you.” She turned around in his arms and kissed him softly, slowly. “ _I_ like you.”

“Matty only likes me because of the Sasquatch.”

Scully smiled. Mulder had picked out the stuffed animal and it had ended up being her nephew’s favorite present, much to Bill Jr.’s annoyance.

“Kids are easy,” he continued. “Big brothers are impossible.”

She didn’t say anything, cognizant that Mulder must be thinking about Samantha. She knew Mulder put up with Bill’s nonsense as best as he could, but it still irked her. It probably always would.

“Shall we?” he offered his arm and she took it.

Maggie settled everyone into their seats and dinner began. After a couple courses, the topic of Mulder and Scully’s engagement came up. It had been a long time since they’d seen Bill’s family, and hadn’t had the chance to talk about it with them yet.

“So, Fox- I mean, Mulder,” Tara corrected herself. “Maggie mentioned you said you’d asked Dana several times before she said yes. How’d you finally do it?” 

“Well, she was just waiting for the right moment, I think,” he smiled. “I’m sure she knew deep down I wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Maggie and Tara laughed. Bill cleared his throat loudly and looked at his plate, not making eye contact with anyone.

“Anyway, we were in the Maldives. I had promised to take her somewhere… far away. We haven’t really had a chance to go on vacation before.”

“Hmph.” Bill snorted. “Wonder why that was?”

Scully glared at him. Mulder politely ignored him, or at least tried to, as he usually did, and continued with the story.

“We wanted to find a place that was as far away from… well, here, as we could get. We took a globe and found the spot that came as close to matching that description as we could and we both said ‘that’s the place.’”

She put her hand on his thigh underneath the table. _As far away from the darkness as they could get._ He’d delivered on that promise, in full.

“We were just lying there on the beach and I knew it was time,” he said, and looked over at her. They rarely had the opportunity to be affectionate with one another around other people. It was unusual, but to Scully, it felt good. “I was right, too, because she said yes.”

“I didn’t say yes,” Scully shook her head and sipped her wine. “I believe what I actually said was ‘okay.’”

Maggie and Tara laughed again, and Mulder nodded, conceding that point.

“Okay, true. But you still ended up marrying me, so the joke’s on you, Scully.” He grinned at her and she smiled back. “We went down to the courthouse as soon as we got home.”

“So... you two kind of had your honeymoon before your wedding,” Tara pointed out.

“We did everything else backwards, so we figured why break with tradition?” Mulder replied.

He winked at Scully and all she could do was gaze at him; her partner Mulder, who, against every possible likely outcome was somehow now her husband, here in her mother’s house on Christmas. Mulder as a husband was something she never really pictured and now here he was, a reality.

“This is so wonderful,” Maggie said, clasping her hands together. “I’m so happy you and your family were able to make it up from San Diego this year, Bill. What an amazing gift to have you all here, and now that both Dana and Fox are in the mix again it truly feels like a real family gathering for the first time in a long time.”

She put her hand on Matthew’s head and ruffled his hair. “And having my grandson here is just icing on the cake!”

Bill piped up again. “Would have had one more around the table, too, if things had gone differently.”

The room went dead silent. A chill ran up Scully’s spine. Her body tensed, and Mulder noticed. His hand immediately went to hers underneath the table and held it tight. She couldn't speak, couldn't breathe. But Mulder could.

“What did you say?” he challenged.

“I think you heard me,” Bill replied. His face looked so goddamn smug Scully wondered if he actually got some kind of sick pleasure out of hurting her this way.

She knew Bill's comment was less about William and more about Mulder. She was so tired of this endless one-way battle her brother had waged against Mulder since the day he met him. He had endured Bill’s bullshit with dignity for years. She’d always assumed Mulder was just trying to keep the peace and she was grateful for that; most of the time he’d been in attendance as her partner, or as her friend. She knew it must have been awkward for him.

But now, however, it seemed to Scully like he’d had enough. Maybe it was the freeing knowledge that she was now his wife; their relationship had never been so clearly defined within the walls of the Scully home. Or maybe it was because Bill’s snide comment had been about William, the most painful topic he could possibly have dredged up.

More than likely, it was just that smug fucking expression on Bill’s face that did it. For the first time ever, it seemed Mulder wasn't going to let Bill get away with his behavior.

“What’s your problem, Bill? Why would you say something like that?” Mulder asked.

Bill shrugged. “I’m just calling it like I see it.”

Mulder looked him dead in the eyes. “Well, the way _I_ see it is you’re an asshole. Why would you want to hurt your sister like that? And on Christmas? What the hell is wrong with you?”

Scully could see her mother tense up out of the corner of her eye. Tara put her fork down and corralled Matthew out of the dining room, knowing this wasn’t leading anywhere child-friendly.

“You’ve given me a hard time for years," Mulder continued. "I’ve stayed quiet because to be honest, I think I’ve deserved a lot of it. But Dana doesn’t deserve this vitriol, not from you.”

Bill was clearly in the mood for a fight. “She had to give away her own kid. Because of _you._ All of it is because of you.”

Scully had tried to explain her decision regarding William to Bill, she really had. Nowhere in her explanation did Mulder’s name even come up. It didn’t matter to her brother, maybe it never would. He’d never accept Mulder into their family, not ever.

“It was a very difficult time, for both of us-” Mulder began to explain.

“Why are you still here? Hanging around with my sister? You don’t work together anymore. She’s paid her dues with you, more than paid them. What more can you possibly want from her?”

Mulder stood up then, and glared at his brother-in-law. Scully didn’t want this to escalate any further. She reached for his hand and pulled softly.

“It’s okay, Mulder. Just leave it.”

“No,” he said. “It’s not okay. It’s not okay at all.” He turned his attention back to Bill. “I don’t want anything from your sister. Why is she still with me? Because I asked her to be with me and she said yes. I don’t feel like I should have to tell you this, Bill, but you should support your sister when she’s in pain, not make it worse.”

The air was as tense as Scully had ever felt it, and there had been many a tense evening in this house.

“My sister was taken from me when I was just a kid. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about her, and wish I could have her back for just one more day,” Mulder revealed. He’d never talked about Samantha to her family before. She was fairly sure they knew, but him bringing it up made it more real.

Bill had the good grace to appear chastised, at least for the moment.

“I know you lost a sister too, Bill. Believe me. I don’t want you to lose another one.”

Scully pulled on his hand again and he sat.

“Bill, enough is enough. This has to stop,” her mother finally spoke. “Fox isn’t going anywhere, and as long as you’re in my house I’d ask you to show him the same respect you’d give any member of our family.”

Bill looked at his mother, silently stood up, threw his napkin on the table and left the room. Everyone listened as he grabbed his coat and his keys and waited for the door to slam. Tara spoke first, having left Matthew in the other room with his Legos.

“I’m so sorry about him. I don’t know why he won’t just let all this go.”

Mulder shook his head. “No, I’m sorry for causing drama every time I come over. I wish I could set it all right again.”

Maggie turned to Mulder. “Fox, you are as much a part of this family as Bill is. You have every right to be here. And you have nothing to apologize for.”

Mulder smiled at her and Scully squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“Thanks, Mrs. Scully.”

“And we’ve known each other for a long time. I think of you as my own son. If you’re comfortable, I’d like it if you called me Maggie, okay?”

Scully felt Mulder twitch involuntarily, sensing the enormity of the moment. He appeared touched. Perhaps it was because he’d lost his own mother years ago. Perhaps it was because Maggie had stood up for him the way she did. Maybe it was only because it was Christmas. But what Mulder said next surprised her.

“Thanks, Mom,” he smiled.

Maggie smiled back, tears in her eyes. Scully felt like the watch they’d bought her for Christmas no longer mattered; this was the gift she’d really wanted.

 

***

 

“I don’t think you’ve ever been upstairs in my mom’s house, have you, Mulder?”

“No, I don’t think I have,” he said.

She led him down the hallway. “We moved here from Annapolis just after high school,” she explained. “I lived here while I was at UMD.”

She pushed one of the bedroom doors open. “We’re staying in here.”

She gave him a mischievous grin and pulled him inside. The bedroom door closed and Mulder pushed her back against it. Their lips met and he took her hands in his, moving them up above her head and holding them there.

“Are you telling me young college coed Dana Katherine Scully used to sleep in this room?”

“Not this room,” she mumbled into his mouth. “This was where Bill stayed, actually.”

He pulled back, his face already flushed, and gave her that look that made her feel her heart beating throughout her entire body. “Oh, is that so?”

Scully nodded, licking her lips. Her mother had turned this room into a guest room long ago, but the information seemed pertinent at the moment.

She closed her eyes and shuddered as his mouth moved to her earlobe and whispered softly. “I think I know a great way to stick it to him, Scully.”

“What, you want to have sex in my brother’s old room?”

“I was going to suggest sugar in his gas tank but your idea sounds more fun.”

She smiled and he released her hands, reached under her backside and lifted her up into him, pushing her backwards so she was wedged between him and the door. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he kissed her again, his tongue moving against hers in a rhythm they both knew by heart. God, he was so good at this. _So good._ They’d honed and perfected this particular dance so well he knew every little thing she wanted, responded to every urge she had whether she asked or not. He’d made it a personal quest of his over the past few years. It was times like these she stopped being annoyed by his obsessive nature and just fucking loved him for it.

He walked backwards to the bed, with her still wrapped around him, and sat down on the edge. Her hands were gripping his hair and she was practically mauling his face. Thinking about how he’d finally given Bill a taste of his own medicine and how he’d done it all for her got her incredibly turned on. She’d be lying if she didn’t admit she’d gotten a little thrill when he’d referred to her as Dana, too.

“I’ve never had sex in this house before,” she breathed into his ear. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to my old bedroom instead?”

He shook his head. “Defiling your brother’s old bed sounds more fun, doesn’t it?” He started to unzip the back of her dress and she shifted her body to better sit in his lap, pulling the dress up around her waist.

“I don't actually think this is his, I’m pretty sure my mom replaced it at some point.”

“Hmm. Oddly enough, I am undeterred. We can do it in your bedroom next Christmas.”

“Thanksgiving is sooner,” she smiled as his lips captured hers again. For a few minutes they made out like teenagers and she reveled in how good it still felt to do that. Maybe it was because they’d denied themselves this physical affection for so many years, but even the foreplay was always a wonderful journey for them. And it always built to something even more amazing than before. It seemed like each and every time was better than the last. They’d certainly been blessed in that regard, she thought, as his hands slipped inside the back of her dress, exploring.

She wanted to focus on his touch but the conflict downstairs was still on her mind. “He’s such a fucking asshole, Mulder,” she said between kisses. “Why do you put up with that? Why would you even come here with me?”

His eyes softened and he leaned back to look at her. “Because your mom invited me.” He kissed her again behind her ear. “I have a soft spot for you Scully women.”

“You know what would be really scandalous?” she offered. It was something she’d always wanted to try during sex, and they never had. She could hardly believe it, now that she thought about it.

“You mean, besides what we’re already doing right now? Lay it on me.” He started to pull her dress down over her shoulders, kissing them as he did so.

“Well, we’re in my mother’s house, in my brother’s old room, on Christmas, and my family is downstairs.”

“Exactly,” he murmured into her hair. “That’s varsity-level, Scully. What could be more scandalous?”

She put her hands on either side of his face and held his forehead to hers. She kissed him purposefully, then whispered it into his ear.

 _“_ Call me Dana _.”_

He pulled away, looking at her, and raised an eyebrow. “That is scandalous.” He tucked a strand of her long hair behind her ear and grinned. “Have you been holding out on me? Is this some deep, dark fantasy you’ve never told me about?”

“No, actually,” she said, blushing a bit. “Honestly I always thought it might be weird. But I’m curious.”

“Now I am, too,” he admitted. He slipped a finger underneath her bra strap and gently pulled and released, snapping it. His voice dropped an octave. _“_ Okay. _Dana.”_

Something fluttered deep inside her. It was a strange sensation, which she could identify as arousal but there was something else. They were already as close a pair as could possibly exist, she knew this. But something about doing something new that involved her given name made her feel like they’d taken a step even closer to each other. That alone was a huge turn on.

Who was she kidding? Anything that came out of his mouth was a turn on, especially during sex.

She wanted to laugh that something so ordinary like being called by her first name could be so scandalous. She closed her eyes and enjoyed this odd feeling of being normal with Mulder. Suddenly she wanted to get a step even closer. She didn’t know what he would think but from the state of his own arousal which she could feel beneath her, she figured the odds were good he wouldn’t deny her anything at the moment.

"Can I call you Fox?”

He closed his eyes, considering it. “Just this once,” she clarified. “Just tonight.” She ran her fingers through his hair, and then leaned in and bit his lower lip to sweeten the deal.

He was quiet for a second, then: “You can call me whatever the hell you want, as long as you keep doing that.”

She laughed and he laughed and it was one of those perfect moments she knew she’d always remember, in spite of the dust up with Bill, and in spite of everything else they’d been through. Right now, with him, she was perfectly happy.

“I love you,” he said. It was as if he knew just then this was an important moment for them, too.

“I love you too, Mulder,” she whispered. Then she grabbed him by the sides of his face and looked him directly in the eye, smiling mischeviously. “Now fuck me in my brother’s old room.”

“Whatever you say, Dana,” he grinned as she pushed him backwards onto the bed.

 

***

 

She awoke with his arms around her. It was just after midnight. It occurred to her that, other than the Maldives, it had been years since she’d woken up in a bed that wasn’t their own.

It smelled like home in here, and she smiled. It was a happy memory, and combining the scent with the feel of Mulder’s arms surrounding her made her even happier.

Suddenly thirsty, she slipped out of his arms quietly and threw on her robe to go downstairs.

As she got to the bottom of the stairs she stood looking at the tree for a bit, remembering Christmases past, so many happy memories from back when things were simple.

She thought about her father, but mostly she missed Melissa. She smiled, thinking of a conversation they’d had long ago about Mulder. It made her feel a twinge of sadness that Missy wasn’t here now, to see how right she’d been about the two of them. To laugh with them and be an ally in the face of all of Bill’s nonsense.

Just then she noticed Bill, through the window, sitting on the porch. She wondered how long he’d been out there in the cold.

She threw on her mother’s overcoat, hanging by the front door, and went out to sit with him. It was freezing outside, and Scully shivered and wondered how quickly she’d regret this decision.

“Have you been out here the whole time?” she asked him.

Bill puffed on a cigar. “No. Drove around a bit. Went to Spanky’s for a drink.”

“It was open? On Christmas?”

“You’d be surprised,” he said, staring straight ahead.

She wasn’t out here to make small talk. She wanted them to be okay. This all seemed so silly. They were family, after all.

Bill shook his head, staring straight forward. “I just don’t get it, Dana. What is it about that guy? What do you see in him? What could possibly make all this worth it?”

Scully wanted him to understand. What could she possibly say that could make him okay with all this? She could think of only one thing to say, something she’d never had the confidence to say to him before.

“We love each other,” she said, as she tilted her head to look at him. Bill still didn’t turn, and just sighed.

After a couple minutes of silence, the chill in the air started to get to her. “We don’t get many chances in life to do the right thing," she said to him. "We can try, but there just isn’t enough time.” He still wouldn’t face her.

“Look at me, Bill,” she said. He finally did. “This is it. We are all we have. Dad is gone, Melissa is gone. William is gone. Charlie is… who knows where.” Tears started to form in her eyes. “You, me, Mom. That’s it.”

He kept looking at her but still said nothing.

“And Mulder didn’t give up our child, Bill. It was my decision. If you want to hate someone, if you want to blame someone, make it me.”

“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry I did.”

She could see his eyes starting to soften and wondered if something had gotten through.

“I was angry when Melissa was killed,” he admitted. “I wanted to blame someone, and I didn’t want it to be you. So I blamed him. Then everything that happened to you… I feel like so much changed. He’s the cause. He’s the cause of all of it.”

“Bill, you have to know Mulder didn’t ask for any of this. Especially what happened to me, and our sister. He’s lost more than you know.”

“I do know that, Dana. But you deserve better than him.”

Scully wondered if that were true. She came to the conclusion instantly that even if it were, it wouldn’t matter. “You don’t have to worry about me, you know. I’m happy. He makes me happy.”

She knew he’d never approve of Mulder, she’d never get him there. But if they could get to a place where they could have some peace, she’d be content with that.

“You once said to me we have a responsibility not only to ourselves but to the people in our lives,” she continued. “You may not like it, but he’s in my life too. He is a person in my life. And I have a responsibility to him.”

He said nothing more. Things may never get to where she wanted them; there was too much anger there, too much animosity. But she’d said what she’d needed to say.

She sighed and got up. “It’s cold, I’m going inside.” He turned away again to look out at the street. As she reached the door she turned back to look at him and was struck by how much he looked like her father, sitting in his chair, smoking a cigar.

She smiled at the memory. Then she opened the door and went inside where it was warm, where Mulder’s arms would be waiting for her.

Two months later, Bill and his family were stationed in Germany. They rarely crossed paths again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No need to Google. There really was a white Christmas in DC in 2009, and there hadn’t been one since 1989. You trust me, don’t you?


	13. Give me these moments back, give them back to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie witnesses the beginning of the end for Mulder and Scully.
> 
> "She never told Dana about the quarter. She was worried it might upset her too much. But she wanted to, desperately. She wanted to know how Dana was feeling, what she was thinking. More importantly, she wanted to know how she and Fox were dealing with the aftermath."

 

  


**MAGGIE**

**(2013)**

 

There were moments Maggie would think about her grandson, wonder where he was, what he was doing. She had thousands of memories locked away in her mind of her own children when they were babies. The years had made many of them fade away but the important memories stuck.

With William, she had lots. Her memories of him were still fresh, still raw. She could still hear his laugh, and remember the way his hand would grip her index finger. She remembered the songs he liked, and his favorite toys. She could sometimes even for a moment imagine his scent, as if a whiff of him came floating by sent straight from the heavens.

Memories were all she had of him. And she couldn’t make any more.

She knew William wouldn’t remember her, and sometimes the sadness she felt about this fact was overwhelming. But she tried to remember him, every day. Being separated from him was so difficult for her, she could only imagine how difficult it was for Dana.

She _had_ to imagine it, because it wasn’t a subject they ever discussed. Dana never brought William up to her, and it pained her they couldn’t talk about him. Maggie had no one else to talk to about him and it was eating her up inside.

She knew Dana had made the right decision, and she had made her peace with that. As awful as the whole thing had been, she knew the dangers had been real. She then thought of the events that had transpired since that fateful day; how suddenly Fox had been thrown back into Dana’s life and she’d been swept up in the whirlwind of keeping themselves alive.

They did what they had to do, as they always did. And they somehow persisted, as they always had. But she was curious about the way they’d chosen to deal with William’s absence.

Maggie had no idea what Dana and Fox had or hadn’t discussed all those months they were in hiding, and all the years that followed. All she knew was that she hadn’t heard a thing about William from either of them, and it concerned her greatly. She needed to talk to someone, anyone. As much as she wanted to believe God was always with her, listening, he had never been much of a conversationalist.

This was why she ducked into the confessional booth one rainy Sunday morning.

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been several months since my last confession.”

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been in this booth. But she needed to talk and had nowhere else to turn.

“What is this sin?”

The voice of Father McCue came from the other side of the grate. She momentarily felt the silliness of this procedure. Father McCue knew her, he knew Dana, he knew of William, he knew all of it. But as silly as she felt, the faux anonymity of the situation relaxed her. She wondered if that was by design.

“I think I’m failing my daughter,” she admitted sadly.

“How so?” Father McCue asked.

Maggie wanted to cry. She’d never been able to confide to anyone her frustration about her inability to communicate with her daughter. It was something she had been so used to for so long but it was finally wearing her down.

“I can’t get through to her. I’ve tried so hard, for so long. She’s been this way forever but now I need her to talk to me.”

“Why now?” Father McCue asked her.

Maggie hesitated, then brought her hand to her neck and touched the pendant that hung there. She’d been wearing it more frequently as of late, because she needed to.

A quarter, nothing significant or interesting about it. It was smudged and old. Not one of the shiny ones Bill had collected when he was young. He’d kept books of them, nothing terribly valuable that she knew of but it had piqued his interest when he was ten or so, for a good six months before he moved onto something else, as kids do.

Maggie still remembered the day it happened. The white hot jolt of fear she felt when she watched William pick it up from underneath the corner of the couch. She remembered it like it happened in slow motion, her reflexes practically superhuman as she leapt across the room to stop him, not reaching him in time before the silver piece of metal disappeared. He had just started crawling, and rather early, she had noted.

Dana had taught her infant CPR. Her daughter had insisted Maggie be prepared in every way she could. Maggie welcomed the training, because it wasn’t something she learned back in the day. Things were so different when she was raising her own children. It seemed like there was so much less to fear.

She saw William’s face turning red. She didn’t want to see it turn blue.

She picked him up and laid him over her lap and

_Thwack! Thwack!_

She’d always feared if she ever had to do this having to hit him so hard would be difficult, but in the moment the fear overrode all her preconceived notions and traveled down her arm into urgent action.

Two _thwacks_ and the coin emerged. William coughed and cried for just a moment. She hugged him to her tightly and he stopped crying almost immediately. After his newborn phase, he was always such an agreeable baby, as if nothing really bothered him. She’d never seen him sick, either. It was one more memory she couldn’t let go of.

As she rubbed his back she closed her eyes and prayed, _Thank you God, thank you, thank you…_

Another prayer answered.

She tossed the quarter into the catch-all dish on her kitchen counter, where it joined some tweezers, a hair band, and a couple batteries of which she couldn’t fathom the origin.

There it sat forgotten for years.

When she found it again, she remembered how it got there and couldn’t help but choke back a sob. She pulled it from the dish and held it in her hand, something that had touched her grandson, the only thing she had left of him.

Losing William made her think of losing Charlie, how he had left her not knowing his whereabouts. It pained her to think of them both, knowing they were out there somewhere in the world but she couldn’t reach them. Charlie was grown, and had made his own decision. But William had no idea what had shaped his future. Maybe he never would, not truly. That thought haunted her. And the idea that Dana surely felt the same emptiness, the same uncertainty of her son’s fate added to her own grief.

She felt the need to be close to him, to keep him close to her in some way, somehow. So when she found this quarter, the one that had very nearly choked the life out of him, she took it to a jeweler and had it made into a necklace which she wore close to her heart. She kept it as a sign of hope, a sign of faith, that they all might be together again one day.

She never told Dana about the quarter. She was worried it might upset her too much. But she wanted to, desperately. She wanted to know how Dana was feeling, what she was thinking. More importantly, she wanted to know how she and Fox were dealing with the aftermath.

Father McCue repeated himself, as Maggie had gone silent in thought for some time. “Why do you feel a great need to get your daughter to talk to you, now?”

Maggie held the cold metal between her fingertips and decided on the truth. It was what she was here for.

“I can see her struggling. She doesn’t know I see it, but I can. I fear she’s afraid, lost.”

“What do you think is causing this fear?” Father McCue asked.

Maggie thought. “I’m not entirely sure. But I wonder if it might have something to do with her son. The one she gave up for adoption.”

“I understand that was a very painful decision for her to make. Is she still carrying this burden?”

“She won’t talk about him, or even mention him. I don’t even think she discusses it with her husband. I know it’s a painful topic but… is that… normal?”

“What might seem abnormal to you might be perfectly normal for others,” he pointed out. “Perhaps they are dealing with their pain the only way they know how.”

What she feared most of all was that her daughter’s refusal to discuss William extended to Fox as well. She knew it wasn’t her business, but it had gotten her wondering about how Dana and Fox had been internalizing the pain they must be feeling; if it had been manifesting itself in ways that affected their relationship. Dana keeping her feelings inside wasn’t anything new, but what if Fox didn’t work that way? What if he needed to talk about it?

She thought of her late husband, as she did often. It had been nearly twenty years since she’d lost him. _Has it really been that long?_ Time had passed so quickly, a series of moments, so many that her husband had been unable to share with her. He had been taken from her suddenly and unexpectedly. She was filled with melancholy at the loss, but the one thing she never felt was regret. There hadn’t been things left unsaid between them, things left undone. They had been open and honest with each other.

She truly worried about the potential for such regret in Dana’s relationship.

But what was really on Maggie’s mind was a dream she’d been having for several nights. Fox was falling and Dana could not reach him. That was it. That was the dream. Maggie woke up with a start every time he was about to hit the ground.

She was reminded of years ago when Dana had been abducted and her dream had preceded, predicted it. It had been frightening then and she was frightened now, for both Dana and Fox.

Father McCue might be onto something; Dana and Fox had never behaved in ways that could be considered “normal.” She wasn’t even sure what that word meant anymore. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was amiss.

“You could be right, Father, but… what if they aren’t? What if they aren’t dealing with it at all?”

  


_***_

  


_(December 25th, 2012)_

 

_It was Christmas and Fox had remained buried in his office for most of the visit, which was unlike him. Dana had waved it off, saying he was busy with some work._

_“What kind of work?” Maggie asked, genuinely curious. Fox hadn’t worked an actual job in years. They had money, from somewhere, and Dana had her hospital job, so he hadn’t really needed one._

_“His own… stuff. We had a bit of an… incident a couple days ago.”_

_“What kind of incident?” Maggie asked, startled. It was that night, a couple nights ago, she’d had the dream for the first time._

_Dana looked sorry she brought it up. “Oh, nothing. Something he thought was going to happen… didn’t happen. He’s been a little manic over it.”_

_“Honey, is he okay?”_

_“He’s fine!” Dana replied, a familiar mantra. Maggie couldn’t help but notice Dana was the one who looked manic. She looked lost, confused, as if there was something completely out of her control. Maggie knew she hated being out of control._

_Maggie felt uneasy, as if she had walked into the middle of an extremely capricious situation. Ever since Dana and Fox had moved into this house things had been so wonderful, the past several years were such happy times. Even when Fox was still underground they’d found ways to reach the light. But tonight the tension was palpable. Something had shifted._

_“He hasn’t come out of his office all evening, Dana. What’s going on?”_

_“I’ll go get him, okay?” Dana looked annoyed, and Maggie couldn’t understand why. She disappeared into Fox’s office for several minutes and emerged again, alone._

_“Mom…” she said. “Mulder’s… not feeling well, I’m sorry. He apologizes for being rude.”_

_“What’s wrong, is he sick?”_

_“He’s a little… he’s not himself right now. I can’t really explain any better.”_

_“Dana, you can’t just leave it there. What’s going on?”_

_Her daughter sighed and sat on the couch, her head in her hands. “I worried something like this might happen,” she said to herself more than to Maggie. Maggie sat next to her. As usual, she wondered how much she would reveal._

_“Give me something, honey.”_

_“He’s had this… information for years, relating to our work, about something that was supposed to happen a couple days ago, and it didn’t. Now he’s just confused and distracted and he gets like this sometimes, Mom. You’re not used to it but I am. He will be fine.”_

_Maggie had heard this before. The word “fine” was so ingrained into Dana’s vocabulary it had practically lost its meaning._

_She was well aware Dana knew Fox better than she did, but something about the way her daughter was acting made her nervous. Dana was uneasy, and uncomfortable. She was worried. And now so was Maggie._

_She ate Christmas dinner alone with Dana that night, and left with a feeling of dread, like she would never again return to the house she’d once known and loved._

  


 


	14. I should be crying, but I just can’t let it show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scully tells Maggie about the breakup. It does not go over well.
> 
> "Parting with William had been impossible, but at least she knew she was doing what was best for him. It broke her heart, but she could only hope he would move forward without pain.
> 
> This wasn’t like that. She had ripped Mulder’s heart out of his chest and she knew it. She left anyway. She had no idea how he would move forward."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reference: [chapter 16 of Culmination (breakup scene)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748734/chapters/34442879)

 

 

 

**SCULLY**

**(2013)**

 

She stood at the bed, folding his shirts. The smell of him was stronger than the smell of the laundry detergent, something she’d always noticed but today it seemed to permeate the air. Like so much of him lately, invisible but ever present. She wanted to remember his scent, so she closed her eyes and let it in. Suddenly she realized it wasn’t the laundry she was smelling; it was him, right behind her.

She didn’t turn around but let him wrap his arms around her torso and bring his body close against hers. It was a familiar prelude; she knew what he came upstairs for.

He brought his face around next to hers and kissed her temple, slowly moving to her cheek, and moved aside her hair to get at her neck. She involuntarily recoiled at the roughness of the beard she hated and he pulled back.

“Want me to shave?” he asked quietly.

She shook her head no. If he left to shave the moment would pass and she knew they both needed this. It had been far too long.

She turned and kissed him properly, with her eyes closed. She ignored the beard because she had no other choice. His lips tasted like they always did: a hint of saltiness, like he’d just been eating sunflower seeds. It made her think of the way he used to be and she wanted to cry but she would not cry, not now.

She pulled his T shirt up and over his head quickly, only breaking contact when necessary. When she finally opened her eyes she could see how pale his skin looked, how lifeless, like a cloudy day. It was depressing.

She wished she had the power to bring him back to life. She didn’t, but she wanted to believe.

Gently running her fingertips over his chest, she looked up at him. His eyes met hers and she knew that to him, this was just another day. To him, this wasn't the day she had decided their future. For him, this wasn't going to be their last time. But she already knew she was going to leave him. She didn’t know exactly when, but she would. She couldn’t leave him now, not while he was in his dark place, but she would wait. Then she would leave. All her strength had left her. She was giving up.

He pulled her shirt up over her head and ran his hands around her back, pulling her closer to him. It seemed he wanted to take his time but she didn't want him to; this was already so hard. She pulled him down on top of her, in the midst of the freshly folded laundry on the bed, scattering it everywhere, wrinkling everything. As if it mattered. His scent was all around her and it was so overwhelming she fought back tears. He was everywhere, everything to her, but she had already lost him. 

Wrapping her legs around him, she turned her head to the side to let him kiss, nip, bite, do all the things she usually loved. But today it felt different. Her body responded, it always did with him, but her mind wandered. She tried to remember a time when her mind wouldn’t wander, a time when him being inside her meant she was inside him too, inside his mind and his heart and his everywhere else. Today she was lost. She didn’t know where either of them were.

As their bodies joined together for what must have been the thousandth time, she took his chin in one hand and made him look at her. Half his face was covered in hair and it was difficult to see most of him anymore. Part of him was gone.

But the parts that remained she could still see, in his eyes. This was where she could see she still loved him, it was how she knew she always would. She looked so deeply into his eyes she was practically unaware of everything else that was happening. She needed to find him there, and she needed him to see her too.

He couldn’t possibly know she was studying his face so intently because she wasn’t sure how many more times she would do so. He couldn’t possibly know none of this would last much longer. So he returned her gaze while they moved together, her legs wrapped around him, her fingernails digging into his shoulder blades. After a while he kissed her again, the softness in his lips a stark contrast to the intensity of their movements. A million kisses flashed through her mind at once and she couldn't stop herself from wishing once more for the happiness they used to know, that this was still going to be okay, that just loving each other would be enough.

She would not cry. 

She clung to him tightly, sensing he was close. As if on cue, she reached her climax and called out his name like she always did. One truth she couldn't deny was how well they worked together, how perfectly they fit together even when it was difficult to see one another. But as soon as his name left her lips the tears followed. She couldn't stop them, so she tried to hide them.

Afterwards she let him collapse onto her. He was heavy but all of this was heavy. She wanted to feel the weight of it all. It was hard to breathe but it had been for awhile.

He tried to move off her but she held him close, crushing herself with his body, holding him tightly. She didn't want him to see her cry. And maybe if she held him tightly enough, long enough, it wouldn’t all have to end.

This would be their last time. He would remember it. She would not.

 

***

 

Scully had only seen pain like this in her mother’s eyes three times before. First, her father. Then Melissa. Then William.

It felt different now, though. If possible, it felt worse. This was somehow the end of the line, this was everything, this was all of it. And her mother knew it.

“This isn’t right, Dana. I can’t imagine what could possibly have happened for you to have done this.”

They were in her mother’s sitting room. She was starting to regret coming here at all, but she had gotten in her car and realized there was nowhere else for her to go.

Her eyes drifted to the front window and she couldn’t stop a memory from invading her mind; a memory of the two of them, him wrapped around her as they watched the falling snow. When they were happy.

“You have no idea how bad it got, Mom.” Scully didn’t want to elaborate but she had a feeling her mother wouldn’t let her get away with that, not this time.

“How bad? Did he… was he violent?”

“No, of course not.”

“Was he unfaithful?”

Scully scoffed. The idea of that was equally preposterous. “No.”

“Then what happened? What could possibly make you give up like this?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Of course. That’s right. I don’t understand.” Her mother threw her hands up and stood up. “I can never understand anything, Dana, because you refuse to share anything with me.”

Scully was quiet for a moment. She felt trapped. Remaining silent would prove her mother’s point that she didn’t want to offer any more information. But it wasn’t easy to admit she’d failed him.

“Mom, this is… private. It’s personal. Between Mulder and me, okay?”

“But Dana," her mother said, her voice practically pleading for clarity. "It’s Fox. He’s… your everything. How could you give up _everything?”_

Scully couldn’t help but react to this. Every ounce of her strength couldn’t keep a small, choked sob from breaking free, as if this tiny sound held every secret she never told her mother.

He _was_ her everything. She was fully aware of what she had walked away from. But there was no way to explain to her mother all the ways he’d changed, all the ways he wasn’t hers anymore. All the ways he wasn’t _him_ anymore _._ It was too painful to think about, let alone talk about.

Parting with William had been impossible, but at least she knew she was doing what was best for him. It broke her heart, but she could only hope he would move forward without pain.

This wasn’t like that. She had ripped Mulder’s heart out of his chest and she knew it. She left anyway. She had no idea how he would move forward.

She had no idea how she would, either.

“It just got too hard. He’s not himself anymore, Mom. It’s like he’s not even there anymore. He’s lost sight of himself, and me.” It was the most she’d revealed to anyone about any of this. “I haven’t felt this lonely in years.”

Maggie just stood there, arms crossed. “I hear you saying words to me, but I’m sorry, Dana. You two have been through so much together, I don’t see anything here you cannot fix.”

Scully couldn’t even fight her on this, because she knew her mother was right. She was just exhausted of everything, of all of it. She’d finally hit her limit. She couldn’t do it anymore.

She didn’t want to tell her mother Mulder had been depressed. It wouldn’t help her cause, not after how her mother had reacted in the first place. But somehow she felt like if she left this piece of information out, it would be some kind of deep betrayal.

“There’s something I haven’t told you.”

“What?”

She took a deep breath. “About a year ago he fell into a depression. It got really awful, Mom. I did everything I could, but… he just… drifted away from me.”

It hadn’t been too difficult to hide this from her mother over the past several months. She’d made herself busy at the hospital and their visits had been infrequent. But the night of December 22nd, 2012 had been the beginning of Mulder’s downward spiral. Her mother had been a witness to it without realizing what she had seen. Afterwards Scully had done what she could to avoid too many visits.

Maggie looked gutted. “Dana, you left him while he was _sick?_ How could you do such a thing?”

“I didn’t,” she assured her. “This was months ago. I convinced him to start on medication and it really helped him. He’s much better now. And one of my colleagues has been checking in with him weekly.”

“So.. are you telling me you’ve just… stopped loving him? After everything?” Maggie looked heartbroken. Scully didn’t even entertain the idea she’d be breaking two hearts today.

 _Three hearts,_ she corrected herself.

“I’m not saying that. I’ll always love him.”

“But…”

“It changed us, Mom. Permanently.”

Maggie was silent for several moments. She walked away from Scully and went into the kitchen. Assuming she’d be back, Scully waited. After a while she realized maybe she wasn’t coming back, so she followed her into the kitchen.

Maggie was sitting at the table with her back to her, crying.

“Mom…” Scully felt her heart aching for the second time that day. She came up behind her and hugged her softly. Soon they were both crying.

She knew her mother loved Mulder. She just never realized how much. She suspected this not knowing was her own fault, as usual. Her lack of transparency about any of it over the years had always been her way of keeping her own feelings in check. Now she realized her mother had carried her own love for him in her own way, and she’d never really even known.

“He is your family, Dana. How could you give up on him like this?”

“Mom…”

“When you gave up your son, it was the opposite of selfish. It’s taken me a long time to understand that, Dana, but I do. I understand why you did what you did.” Maggie’s eyes turned icy. “But this, I will never understand. You told me years ago you were afraid of failing him. You were more afraid of that than anything. And now to see this…”

She trailed off, and looked out the window. It was as if she couldn’t look her daughter in the face.

“You’ve always been strong, honey. I can’t see you backing down from anything. Especially the man you love, when he needs you. Would you give up on me this way? No, you would never. I’m never going to understand this.”

Scully couldn’t think of anything to say. Nothing her mother was saying was wrong, or out of line, none of it. There was a lot her mother didn’t know, but Mulder hadn’t failed her, she had failed him, and she knew it. All she could do was sit in silence and hate herself for letting everything get this bad.

Her heart ached for Mulder, whom she knew was at home right now completely shattered. She wondered if he'd even peeled himself off the floor yet. He was lost, but she was too. She couldn’t go back. There was too much pain there. It was too difficult.

Maggie finally turned to look at her.

“Never in my life have I been disappointed in you, Dana. I can’t say that anymore.” With that, she got up and went upstairs to her bedroom, closing the door.

 


	15. All the things I should have given but I didn’t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie visits Mulder. Scully has a breakthrough with her mother.
> 
> "Maggie took her hand. It was, without a doubt, the most open and honest conversation she’d ever had with her daughter. It hurt her to know Fox felt the same way, that they were both living apart, heartbroken, believing they didn’t deserve each other."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place before/ during the events of "Home Again."

 

 

**(2014)**

 

Maggie drove down the long dirt road towards the house that had held such hope and promise. Every second brought her closer to what she didn’t want to see. As she pulled up to the house, she saw it was looking a bit run-down, more so than usual, even. Fox had been good with keeping the house up while Dana was at work, and she felt a pang of sadness to think of them in happier times.

She couldn’t understand any of this. These two splitting up seemed impossible. It had always been their life‘s work to prove the impossible possible, and for that very reason this seemed like some kind of cruel joke. They had always been such an inspiration to her, their unwavering devotion to each other in times of insurmountable strife.

She was heartbroken, plain and simple.

Fox wouldn’t be expecting this visit, and she didn’t know what to expect when she saw him. It had been a couple months since Dana had told her of their breakup and she wanted to give him some time, but she was truly worried about him. He was her son-in-law, after all. She loved him and wanted to make sure he was okay.

She turned the ignition off and got out of the car. She wondered if he’d heard her approach and might possibly come out onto the porch, the same way he and Dana usually would whenever she’d come to visit before, but he didn’t. She wasn’t surprised, just disappointed.

The stairs creaked as she walked up them. A rusty lawn chair sat on the porch. She wondered idly where it came from; she remembered different furniture out here before, but it was gone. Dana surely hadn’t taken it.

She knocked at the door and waited. He didn’t come right away, and she expected that. Maybe he was hoping she would go away. But she didn't, she wouldn’t. Not until she saw his face.

Finally, she could see him inside the house, moving towards the door slowly.

“Fox?”

He opened the screen door and she could see that he looked, for lack of a better word, like hell. He wasn’t any less handsome than he usually was, she could just see less of him. He had a thick beard covering his face, and his clothes looked a bit worn and ill-fitting, as if he’d been wearing the same clothes over and over again. She knew he had always managed to take care of himself before he and Dana were together, so it only added to her concern.

He came close to the door and she could hardly believe it but she saw a smile across his face. He seemed genuinely happy to see her, and she felt a bit sad at the thought of how lonely he must be right now.

“Hi,” he greeted her.

She smiled back at him. The man truly had a way with words.

“Would it be okay if… if I came inside?” she asked apprehensively.

“Sure,” he said blandly, holding the door open for her. She took the door and he turned and headed back into the house, back into himself. She gently closed the door behind her and looked around the living room. It was an absolute mess.

“Does, uh… she know you’re here?” he asked.

“No, she doesn’t.”

He nodded distractedly. “Sorry, it’s a little messy in here,” he said, and he removed some magazines and newspapers from the couch, gesturing for her to sit down. She did. He stood there for a minute, scratching the back of his head.

“Can I get you something? Glass of water?”

She shook her head no. He sat next to her, not because he wanted to visit, she inferred, but because he felt as if he had to.

“How are you?” he asked her.

“How am I?” she replied. “I didn’t come here to talk about me, Fox.”

“Why did you come here?” he asked, not unkindly.

She thought of all the conversations they’d had over the years, how much she knew Dana meant to him, how much she knew he meant to her. It was all just so distressing. She didn’t know what to say to him. She honestly didn’t know why she came. To see if he was okay? It sounded so stupid now. Of course he wasn’t okay.

“I just wanted you to know that I’m still here, if you need someone to talk to. Any time.”

She reached out to take his hand. He didn’t resist, but she could tell he probably wasn’t going to offer much in the way of opening up to her. Everything was still so raw, and revolved around a person who was stuck directly between them. She just wanted him to feel better. Right now it seemed like she couldn’t do that, even for a moment.

“I don’t know exactly what went on between you two, Fox. I know it’s none of my business. But I do know that Dana still loves you. No matter what. I know it,” she assured him.

“I don’t know what happened either,” Fox said suddenly. “I mean… I know what happened, I just… I don’t know how we got... _here_.”

Maggie wondered if Fox actually did know what had truly happened. She certainly didn’t know, not really.

“I wasn’t careful,” he said, as he stared out the window. Her heart broke for him, again, sitting here alone in this house blaming himself. He didn’t deserve this. “Things were good for a long time, and then they weren’t. Sometimes I think I… must have lost time, somehow. I know it’s a little crazy. But it feels that way.”

Maggie listened, figuring it was best to just let him talk.

“She thinks I stopped seeing her,” he said, more to himself than to Maggie. “That’s… that’s what she said.” She suddenly realized he probably wasn’t even talking to her. He needed to get this out and she had arrived in time for it to happen.

He looked over at his mother-in-law and she saw tears in his eyes.

“I never stopped seeing her. I could never. I just... wish she knew that. I wish I could prove it to her.”

Maggie couldn’t breathe. The love he had for her daughter had never poured out of him so freely, and they weren’t even together anymore.

“I have to make her see. I’ve spent our entire partnership trying to make her see something she refused to see.” His face changed, and it looked to Maggie as if he were contemplating the world’s most difficult puzzle. And maybe he was. “I have to make her see.”

She wondered if he would actually cry in front of her and quickly decided if he did, she didn’t want to see it. So she leaned forward and pulled him into her, and he wrapped his arms around her tighter than he ever had before. She could feel his body shaking, and knew he was crying over her shoulder as quietly as he could manage.

“You can make her see, Fox,” Maggie said quietly. “Don’t give up.”

 

**(2016)**

 

It had been two years since that fateful day Dana told Maggie she had left Fox behind. Things had been a bit strained between her and her daughter since then, and although they saw each other plenty she could tell Dana was not herself anymore. It was as if she left the best parts of herself behind in that house with the man Maggie knew she still loved, but could not bring herself to retrieve them. It was stubbornness, plain and simple. The more time that passed, the less likely it seemed that Dana would come to her senses.

Maggie had sensed a change in her daughter. It reminded her of twenty years ago, when Bill had died. Dana retreated, withdrew, and if Maggie was being perfectly honest, was never quite herself again; except when she was with Fox. When they had been together, when things had been good, Dana was the best possible version of herself. But being apart from him was not helping her, not at all. She seemed more lost than ever before.

Maggie could tell Dana wasn’t happy. The life and light she’d seen in her eyes the past several years was no longer there and it was as if there had been another death in the family. Fox had been her light, and she’d extinguished it.

But Maggie also had no idea what the solution was. She didn’t know what Dana felt, or wanted. As usual, she wasn’t sharing anything with her. And Maggie couldn’t give Fox false hope anymore, he had been miserable enough.

Maggie saw Fox whenever she could, and he welcomed her visits. She knew how lonely he was, and it hurt Maggie’s heart to think of him that way. She never told Dana she was seeing him, and over time, while Dana seemed to get worse, Fox seemed to get better. His mood lifted, his attitude changed, and she could see the hope in his face every time she visited.

When Dana told Maggie she and Fox were partners at the FBI again, it was the first time in years she saw that light in her eyes again. It was a sign, it had to be, that they were headed towards brighter days. Maggie knew it would only be a matter of time before they fell in love all over again.

That light gave her hope. She was an optimist. At least, she always tried to be.

“How is Fox doing?” Maggie asked her daughter one afternoon. She asked this every visit since she knew they were working together again. They sat in Dana’s apartment, somewhere Maggie typically hated going. It wasn’t Dana’s real home. It was a poor substitute for a home.

Usually Dana would sigh, knowing her mother was needling her on purpose. Maggie never kept secret the fact that she hated everything about their breakup.

“Good, actually,” Dana replied to her surprise. “He told me he went off his meds a few weeks ago. I asked him if he really thought that was a good idea but I can tell something is different. He seems… healthier.”

Maggie sat across from her at Dana’s tiny breakfast table, her hands wrapped around a mug of tea. Fox had told her this the last time she saw him but she liked hearing it from Dana all the same. “That’s good to hear, isn’t it?”

“Uh huh.” Dana dragged her finger around the lip of her mug and looked as if she wanted to say more. “He… got a dog, actually.”

Maggie was already well-acquainted with Daggoo, but Dana wasn't aware of that. “Oh, really?”

She nodded. “I must have told him I wanted to get a dog a half dozen times and he always pretended not to hear. Of course he’d agree to it when I don’t live there anymore.”

Maggie knew the story behind Daggoo; that Dana had wanted to keep him but her apartment wouldn’t allow it, and how Fox had immediately agreed to keep him for her. But Dana didn't know that, so she deflected a bit. “It must be a very special dog, then,” she said.

Dana looked everywhere but at her.

“So, are you seeing anyone new?” Maggie knew she wasn’t.

“No, Mom,” she sighed, exasperated. “Not really on my radar right now.”

Maggie nodded, her eyes not leaving Dana. “I understand. You’ve got a lot going on.”

Dana finally looked at her mother. “Is there something you want to say to me, Mom?”

Maggie raised the tea to her lips, took a sip, and leveled her eyes at her daughter. “Yes, there is.” She set the mug down and began.

“You and Fox love each other more than any two people I’ve ever encountered in my lifetime, and it breaks my heart that you’d just let that love go to waste.”

Dana didn’t seem to know what to say, and just stared at her.

“I’ve had one great love in my life, and I lost him to a sudden and unexpected death. I don’t have to tell you what that feels like, because you’ve experienced it with Fox yourself. You were lucky enough to get him back, somehow.”

She could see tears forming in her daughter’s eyes, as she must be remembering that terrible time, how she had closed herself off to her mother even then.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Dana. But I love you too much to leave these things unsaid. Life is too short. You are making a mistake. You belong with him.”

She sat back and waited, waited for the denial, the anger, the silence, any of the things she typically expected. What she got was something she didn’t expect.

“You’re right,” Dana said.

Maggie almost couldn’t believe her ears.

“I know you’re right, Mom. Of course I don’t want things to be this way.”

Maggie was stunned. Had her honesty inspired the same in her daughter? Had she finally gotten through?

“I don’t regret leaving when I did. It was self-preservation. We were drowning. But I think we needed this time apart. We haven’t been apart from each other for twenty years and we weren’t dealing with our… issues.”

Maggie wondered what issues she was referring to. Maybe William. Maybe any number of things she wasn’t privy to. She was so relieved to hear her daughter admit this, however.

“Something had to give,” Dana continued. “I never expected him to try to make a change, but he has. He seems to be… refocusing. Something feels different. I didn’t ask for this. He’s making it hard to stay away.”

Maggie tilted her head a bit. “You say you didn’t ask for this. Do you mean you didn’t want this? You didn’t want him to change?”

Dana shook her head. “No, I mean I didn’t _ask him_ for this. I wanted it desperately, Mom. I’ve wanted it for years.” Her eyes were glistening. “All I want is for us to be happy again. I just don’t see the way back.”

Dana bit her lip and looked away, tears welling up again. Maggie could sense there was something important she wanted to say, but couldn’t. They’d come so far this time. She had to try.

"What is it, honey? Please tell me.”

Dana closed her eyes, as if she couldn’t look at her mother. “I’m starting to believe everything was my fault, Mom. All of it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean the moment I decided to give up our son, I gave up Mulder too.”

Maggie was completely floored by this revelation. “Dana. You can’t possibly believe that.”

She shook her head and looked away. “We never talk about William, Mom. Ever,” she whispered. “I know he resents me for it, I know it. He has to. I gave away his only opportunity to be a parent. And because we don’t talk about it… it’s festered, I know it has. I’m sure it played a part in his depression. I’m sure it led to our separation.”

Maggie was stunned. Precisely what she’d feared had gone on between them was in fact true. Dana had allowed her silence and her secrets to chip away at the best thing she had in her life. Oddly in this moment she felt a strange comfort, that she wasn’t the only one her daughter held back from. But she pushed those thoughts aside and reached out to take her hand.

“That can’t be true, Dana. Fox loves you. He wouldn’t hold something like that inside.”

“But he would, Mom!” Dana was looking right at her now. “We both would. It’s what we do. We both hold everything inside until something breaks. Until _we_ broke.”

She’d never revealed anything like this to her mother before. From the outside, their relationship had always seemed so perfect. They’d been made for each other, and Maggie knew it. It was heartbreaking to see simple miscommunication be the thing that dragged them down.

“Mulder and I have issues. We’ve had them forever. There are things about him that I have a hard time accepting. But how can I blame him for that, Mom? How can I blame him when I don’t communicate?”

Maggie asked her next question quietly. “Did you… ever try? I mean, before things got worse?”

Dana shook her head. “This is why it’s all my fault. I should have. He didn’t do anything wrong. _I_ failed _him_.”

Maggie’s next question presented itself. “Do you want him back, Dana? I mean… _him._ All of him. His flaws, his faults.” She didn’t want to point out the obvious: that if she truly loved him, the answer would be yes.

“Of course I do. I’d give anything to have another chance.”

“For heaven's sake, Dana, then what are you waiting for?”

“I don’t know what to say to him, Mom. I wish I did.” Her eyes closed and she wiped away a tear. “I hurt him so badly when I left. I don’t feel like I deserve this anymore.”

Maggie took her hand. It was, without a doubt, the most open and honest conversation she’d ever had with her daughter. It hurt her to know Fox felt the same way, that they were both living apart, heartbroken, believing they didn’t deserve each other.

“Dana, you know that’s not true. You deserve to be happy. You both do.”

“I’ve been miserable without him. I’ve been doing everything I possibly can to convince myself I don’t love him anymore, but I know it’s a lie.”

“Anyone could see that.”

“Anyone but me,” Dana replied, with a small smile. Maggie reached behind her to grab a tissue box off the desk and offered it to Dana, and she took one, sniffling. Then she was quiet for a minute, recalling something. “Mulder once said something to me I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.”

“What’s that?” Maggie asked.

“He said, ‘To live the lie, you have to believe it.'" She shook her head and looked at the table. "I’ve been trying to live a lie for two years. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

Maggie smiled. “Then stop, Dana. Just stop.” She took her hand. “Maybe it’s time to start living the truth.”

Dana sighed. “I need to be sure, absolutely sure, that we’re both ready. Not just ready to get back to where we were, but ready to move forward, to somewhere better.”

“How will you be sure of that, sweetheart?”

Dana thought for a moment, and her hand instinctively went to her cross necklace. “I guess... I need to have faith.”

Maggie nodded. They were finally speaking the same language. “Well, I hope you find your faith, honey. Wherever it may be.”

Dana smiled at her mother, and Maggie could tell they’d had a breakthrough. It was all she ever wanted.

“We all have our faith, Mom,” she smiled. “Mine is in the truth.”

 

***

 

A series of images passed through Maggie’s mind. Ahab, in his naval uniform. Their wedding. A tiny, screaming Bill. Then Melissa, Dana, and finally Charlie. She thought of all her children as they aged, childhood to adolescence to adulthood. She saw their triumphs, and their mistakes.

She saw Melissa’s death. She saw Bill and Tara’s wedding, and the birth of Matthew. Then her last memory of Charlie, as he left home in anger. Her wayward son, having left her no knowledge of his whereabouts, no answers to her never-ending search.

She felt a strong desire to talk to Charlie; she could feel the end was near. There were things left unsaid. She knew it was impossible but now was the time to ask for the impossible.

The images continued. She then saw Dana, laying in her hospital bed, dying. She saw Fox at Dana’s bedside, crying. She saw herself holding William the day Dana decided to give him away. She imagined him today, all fifteen years of him, and what she pictured may have only been her imagination, but maybe not.

She saw Dana and Fox facing each other in that courthouse, holding hands and smiling, making vows to never give up on one another as long as they both shall live.

Then she saw Dana, giving up on him.

She could feel her heart breaking, and wasn’t sure if it was real or imagined, either. She couldn’t bear the thought of it. After everything, she refused to die of a broken heart. Not here, not now.

She thought she heard a voice, a young man’s voice calling to her.

_“Mom? I’m here.”_

It sounded like Charlie but she hadn’t heard his voice in so long. Maybe it was William. Maybe she’d never know.

Her mind floated in and out of consciousness. Time didn’t seem to exist anymore. She wasn’t sure if it was reality or her dreams but she saw Dana, with Fox, together at her bedside. She could feel her daughter take her hand, and she could sense them looking at one another, the very same look she saw the night she met Fox, the look she thought might set the room on fire.

She wanted to believe they’d find their way back to each other again. It strangely felt more important to her right now than anything else, that somehow they represented her hope for everything. Her hope for all her children, and her grandchildren. She thought of the quarter she wore around her neck and how it had kept her heart close to William, it had kept her hope alive, but how over time it had taken on a new meaning. She began to think of it like she did her daughter and Fox: two sides of the same coin, bound together but facing away from one another.

Then an image flashed into her mind of the two of them standing in a church, surrounded by prayer candles. It looked like her church, the same church Dana hadn’t been to in years. _Surely this is a dream,_ she thought. God himself must be sending her this vision, because a church was the last place she’d expect to find these two, together.

But it felt real. Fox was looking at Dana with such love, and she was returning his gaze with conviction. The light from dozens of prayer candles surrounded them but it could not outshine the light in their eyes as they spoke to each other. Maggie couldn’t make out all their words but there was one phrase she could clearly hear Fox say:

_“I may not believe in God, but I believe in you.”_

She knew then she must be seeing the future. She wasn’t sure how far in the future it was, but these words were a sign. She remembered him saying almost the same thing to her once, back when Dana had been abducted; back when Maggie was only just learning how much they meant to each other.

All these years later and he still believed. He believed in her, he believed in them.

Maggie opened her eyes. She didn’t know how, or why, or where exactly she was, but she saw Fox, standing next to her, smiling. She smiled back and reached for his hand, and could feel warmth but also something else.

She could feel it, just like her daughter had almost twenty years ago when she had awoken from her coma: the strength of his beliefs.

Reconciliation was within their grasp, she knew it. They just needed to start talking again. And she knew what they needed to talk about.

“My son is named William, too,” she told him.

Then she was gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rest in peace, sweet Maggie. <3


	16. Oh darling, make it go away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mulder and Scully grieve Maggie, bringing them closer together.
> 
> "It might take a while for them to get back to where they were before. And she honestly hoped they’d get somewhere better, someday. But for right now, he was her friend, her best friend, and that’s what it always came back to. For right now, she had no plans to leave his side, and she knew he didn’t either."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after the events of “Home Again.”

 

 

 

 

**SCULLY**

**(2016)**

 

They walked along a pebbled beach, no sun in sight, his arm around her. The air was chilly, and she was grateful for his warmth. Scully remembered the last time she went to one of her parents’ funerals. She recalled standing there alone, feeling somewhat less than whole.

It hadn't escaped Scully's notice that her mother had died of a heart attack mere days after her claims of heartbreak. The guilt she felt was immeasurable. Scully knew in her mind she hadn't actually been to blame but her own heart couldn’t help but feel otherwise.

Thoughts of her mother floated in and out of her mind, thoughts of their last conversation and how that might shape her actions regarding her relationship with Mulder moving forward.

And of course, she thought of William. He was never far from her mind, especially lately. 

_My son is named William, too._

She had a feeling her mother had said what she did to Mulder to get the two of them talking about William, especially after what they had discussed a few days prior. The words were so mundane, straightforward. Conversational. Everything seemed to be happening for that singular purpose, as if just opening her mouth to say words was the hardest possible task Scully could achieve right now, the hardest possible thing she could do for herself, and for Mulder. Her mother knew it; she’d always known it.

She could do that for her mother. It was the only thing she could do for her now. So they sat down on a fallen log, she opened her mouth, and talked to Mulder.

“I know now why Mom asked for Charlie, even though he was out of her life,” she said. “She wanted to know before he left that he'd be okay. She gave birth to him. She made him. He's her responsibility.”

The case they’d been working on had resonated with her deeply. The idea of putting something out into the world, a spark that you lit, then never knowing where that spark led or ended, had burrowed into her mind.

“That's why she said what she said to us. She wanted to make sure that we'd be responsible, to know that William's okay. Even though we can't see him.”

Part of her knew what her mother had meant; that _they_ were to be responsible. Not only to their son, but to each other. She didn’t want to bring up the adoption. She had avoided that painful topic since it happened, and to this day she wasn’t sure how Mulder truly felt about it. It had settled between them like a pot full of water that wouldn’t boil until they started talking about it. But she could feel it starting to bubble now.

“I know that, as parents, we made a difficult sacrifice, to keep him safe. That it was for his own good to put him up for adoption. But I can't help but think of him, Fox… I can't help it.”

His first name had escaped her lips without her even realizing it. It happened occasionally, when her emotions were raw. 

She could feel her eyes start to well up. These were words she’d never uttered to him before, in so many years. There were so many things she wanted to say to him. Today might just scratch the surface.

Regardless of what her mother had said to Mulder in her final moments, and no matter what she wanted, she knew finding William was an impossible task. Just one more impossible task to add to her ever growing list.

“I believe that you will find all of your answers. You will find the answers to the biggest mysteries, and I will be there when you do,” she assured him. She thought again of what her mother had said to her just days ago: that life was short. She and Mulder were bound by love, regardless of their romantic status. William was a physical manifestation of that love. They would be there for each other, always.

“But _my_ mysteries... I'll never have answered. I won't know if he thinks of me, too, or, if he's ever been afraid and wished that I was there. Does he doubt himself because we left him? What questions does he have of me? The same that I have with this quarter?”

She pulled her mother’s necklace out from her pocket and turned it over, touching the cool metal, the last thing her mother held. She knew she would keep it with her always, even if she never discovered what it meant. It meant something to her mother and that was enough.

“And I want to believe... I need to believe, that we didn't treat him like trash.”

She’d been speaking about her decision regarding William with the word “we,” although she knew better than anyone it had been her own choice. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe she wanted him to object. Maybe she wanted him to get angry, or tell her she’d made a horrible mistake. She wasn’t sure what she wanted, but she knew she was tired of all this nothing. She wanted _something._

Mulder hadn’t said much today. He usually knew when to stay quiet. But now, she wanted him to speak. She wanted him to say something, anything, to put her mind at ease, to help end her suffering.

She wanted him to tell her _she_ hadn’t treated their son like trash.

He put his arm around her shoulder, pulled her in close and she leaned into him. He held her head to his heart, stroking her hair gently, and it was as if this touch alone was enough for him to take her pain from her, to absorb it from her, like the two of them had always done as long as they’d known each other. Even before they considered themselves a couple.

Finally, he did speak. “You say these are _your_ mysteries. But I wish the same things you do, Scully,” he said, his first words since they arrived at her mother’s service. “I wonder those things all the time. You are not alone in this.”

She suspected he’d remained so quiet all day because he wasn’t sure of his place; his place in her life, his place in her mother’s life, not anymore. He came to honor her mother, and he came to support Scully as her friend. It pained her that he wasn’t here with her as her husband, that she couldn’t rely on him in the way she might have years ago. But she had made the decision to leave that part of him behind, to leave that part of _them_ behind. Events such as today’s were unexpected.

She needed him and she knew it. She loved him and she knew it. Her mother had known it too, and had always understood the truth of how she and Mulder felt about each other even when they hadn’t communicated it.

“Thank you for coming,” she said to him, and she tilted her head up to look into his eyes.

He smiled warmly and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He didn’t have to say anything to this, she already knew how he felt. She knew he wouldn’t be anywhere else.

It might take a while for them to get back to where they were before. And she honestly hoped they’d get somewhere better, someday. But for right now, he was her friend, her best friend, and that’s what it always came back to. For right now, she had no plans to leave his side, and she knew he didn’t either.

As if he read her mind, he spoke again. “Do you want to come with me back to the house? If you don’t want to be alone, I mean.”

She found herself nodding her head even though she hadn’t really made the decision. She didn’t know if it was wise, but she didn’t want to be alone, and now she truly had no one else.

She reached down to pick up the urn with her mother’s ashes and he offered to carry it. She let him, and he took her hand with his other, leading her carefully across the pebbled beach. It was the first time they’d held hands in years. In spite of everything going on around her, all the emotion she was feeling today, she noticed that, and squeezed his hand in reassurance that his touch was welcomed.

The thought crossed her mind that he was holding her mother, and it gave her comfort, in much the same way it did when he used to hold her.

She ached to be held by him again. It was something she’d gone without for far too long. She didn’t know how she was managing.

As they walked back to their car, her eyes scanned the area for Bill. The service had been short and private, and she’d already exchanged civilities with him and Tara and Matthew; her nephew was so big she hadn’t even recognized him. It hurt to think of their estrangement in light of what was going on right now. She didn’t need Bill’s support or approval, but she would have liked to have it all the same.

She couldn’t find them at the moment and wondered if Bill was actively avoiding her, as she’d been quite literally attached to Mulder all afternoon. She then wondered if he’d even known about their separation. It occurred to her that maybe he didn’t. Her mother never truly accepted it, so the odds she’d told Bill were extremely low.

“I was hoping to at least have a conversation with my brother. Maybe acknowledge that Mom died. Would have been nice,” she said to Mulder as they made their way through the parking lot.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s fine, Mulder. He doesn’t want to talk to me, I guess.”

“No, Scully.” He stopped in the parking area just next to her car. He reached out and touched her cheek, the sadness in his eyes something she hadn’t seen the likes of since she left him alone on the floor and walked away two years ago.

“I’m _sorry,”_ he repeated.

His thumb softly stroked her cheek and she was reminded of a moment twenty three years ago when her father died, except this time it was different; this time Mulder’s mother had died, too.

She hadn’t cried at the funeral. She had tried to hold it together. But looking into his eyes and knowing he shared her devastation broke her. She covered his hand with hers and fell into his chest, her sobs releasing themselves like everything she never said to her mother and should have.

His arm wrapped around her shoulders and he held her standing there, as she melted into him and cried. She could hear him crying too, and she could feel her mother between them.

After a few moments, she opened her eyes. About thirty feet away she saw Bill, standing in the parking lot with his hands in his pockets, watching them. Mulder couldn’t see him from his vantage point. She had no desire to extract herself from the comfort she was receiving from him, the comfort she could only receive from him, so she just watched her brother and waited.

He nodded slightly at her, and she nodded back, as well as she could with her head buried in Mulder's jacket. Even from thirty feet away she could see in his face that he was not interested in picking a fight today. Someone in their family had died and he had no one to blame for it, especially not Mulder, not this time.

Bill glanced over to Mulder and for the first time she didn’t see disgust in his expression. She saw empathy. She realized that maybe it took twenty years for him to see it, but he was finally seeing that Mulder felt pain with their family, and was always going to be there for her, in whatever capacity he could. Bill smiled slightly, nodded once more, then turned to go back inside.

It was all she was going to get, but it was enough.

Mulder hadn’t noticed any of this and seemed to be waiting patiently for her to disengage when she was ready. She leaned back and looked at him.

“Let’s get out of here, Mulder,” she said.

 

***

 

They walked into the unremarkable house, both in their funeral attire. Mulder threw his keys onto the table and Scully smiled at the familiar sound of little doggy feet scampering downstairs.

“Daggoo!” she knelt down to pet him and he jumped and licked her face.

“Well, he’s happy to see you here,” Mulder smiled. “Not as happy as I am, though.”

Scully looked back over her shoulder at him and smiled. “I still can’t believe you’re a dog owner, Mulder. After all those years of me trying, you finally wore down only after I left.”

She hadn’t meant to say it that way. She instantly regretted it. He seemed to brush it off, however, and knelt down next to her to scratch Daggoo’s head.

“Me and Daggoo are doing great, aren’t we, buddy? Couple of bachelors living the life.”

Scully scanned the house. She’d been there pretty recently, as she and Mulder were slowly starting to rebuild their partnership the friendship had inevitably followed.

“You certainly are,” she noted, pointing out the piles of newspapers and paraphernalia scattered everywhere. He had always been a messy guy but when they’d lived together the mess was mostly contained to his office.

She watched him look adoringly at the dog, _her_ dog, the dog that was only here because he hadn’t wanted to see her disappointed, and she felt a familiar stirring she’d felt frequently these days. She’d never stopped loving him and was coming to terms with this. He was making it easier and easier lately.

He stood and set the urn on the mantel over the fireplace. “I’ll put this here until you decide where you want it,” he told her.

She walked over, and said the only thing she knew was the truth. “I think, if it’s okay with you, this is where she should stay. She helped us make this a home. I think she would want to be here.”

He nodded somberly, and then smiled.

“Do you want to take a shower?” he asked, and he’d asked this question so many times over the years she couldn’t help conjuring an image of the two of them lathering each other up and as if he knew what she was thinking he immediately added “I don’t mean… I just thought you might want to relax a bit. It’s been a long day.”

She nodded. “Yeah, okay. Thanks.”

He took his coat off and she started to walk upstairs. “I don’t have any clothes here,” she pointed out.

He nodded slowly. “Just… take something of mine. Whatever’s comfortable.”

She turned from him and went up to the bathroom feeling like this entire thing was probably a mistake. It was all too much. This house held so many memories, she couldn’t fathom how he lived with it all every day.

Daggoo ran past her and hopped up onto the bed. This was the first time she’d been inside their bedroom since the last night she slept here.

 _Their_ bedroom. She wondered when she’d stop thinking of it that way; how long it would take for the “they” to fade away in her mind, in her heart. Maybe it never would.

Daggoo turned a couple circles on what used to be her pillow and settled into what appeared to be an indentation. Had Mulder trained him to sleep there? She wondered. She walked over to him and scratched him behind the ears.

“Hey there, little guy,” she said softly. “I know he’s taking good care of you. Are you taking good care of him?”

Daggoo licked her hand in response and curled up on the pillow. She entered what used to be their bathroom. Her toothbrush was still in there. Other than her clothes, she remembered having left everything behind that was replaceable. Most everything had been replaceable.

Everything except Mulder. She’d left him behind anyway.

She showered and cried the entire time, trying her hardest to do it quietly. She didn’t know exactly why she cried. Her mother dying, of course, but she knew it was also for Mulder, and being surrounded by these memories of a life she loved and chose to leave.

After she got out of the shower she wrapped a towel around her and looked into the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy but as she looked into them she could see herself, truly, for the first time in months. She knew, as she always had, that in spite of the hardships this was where she belonged. It made her feel even worse.

When she entered the bedroom, Daggoo was already fast asleep. She opened Mulder’s drawer with all his T shirts and found his Knicks shirt. She’d worn it before, many times.

Knowing full well how difficult this would be, she slipped it over her head and Mulder instantly surrounded her. His scent overwhelmed her senses and for a moment she feared she’d have to take the shirt off to keep herself from crying again, but she didn’t. She let it in instead.

She slipped on a pair of his boxers and as intimate as this all was it just felt natural, like something she did all the time.

She went back into the bathroom and hung her towel up, noticing Mulder’s on the floor from that morning. _Some things never change._ She picked it up and hung it next to hers, exactly like she used to do.

She was just about to head downstairs when she heard a soft knock.

“Yeah, come in,” she said. He did.

“You want some tea or anything? I can make you some,” he offered.

She shook her head. “I think I just want to go to sleep.” It was early, but she was tired. She looked at him.

“How do you do this, Mulder?”

“Do what?” he asked.

“Live here anymore. All of this around you. Isn’t it hard?”

He shrugged. “Wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference if I left, Scully,” he replied. He hadn’t said it unkindly. His eyes pierced hers and she continued to surprise herself at how shitty she could feel. The pain was coming in waves. She wanted it to recede but she didn’t know how.

“You can sleep in our bed,” he said. _Our bed._ It was like a punch in the gut. He didn’t correct himself. “I’ll go down to the couch.”

She was terribly confused right now, and vulnerable, and scared. But she knew she didn’t want that, not tonight. She wanted to feel safe, and loved, and she knew he could provide her that.

“Mulder…” she started, as he went to leave. He turned around.

“I’d like it if you stayed.”

It hadn’t been an unusual request in the past. Before they'd changed their relationship, sharing a bed had happened from time to time. It was comfort and security, friendship. But this was the first time she’d asked him since the bed sharing was no longer simply platonic. She would not toy with his emotions.

“Just... be next to me, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah, that’s okay,” he replied. “Whatever you need.”

She looked down at Daggoo, fast asleep on her pillow. “I don’t know what to do about this,” was all she could think to say.

“Daggoo!” Mulder clapped loudly and the dog woke, moving to the foot of the bed. He circled again and settled.

“He’s… amenable,” Scully observed.

“He’s learning,” Mulder shrugged with a small smile. “I’m gonna shower too, okay? I’ll be right back.”

She nodded and flipped the pillow over, too exhausted to find another pillowcase. She climbed under the covers, turning out the light. It occurred to her she’d climbed into their bed on her usual side without a second thought.

Mulder wasn’t typically fast in the shower but was in and out in about five minutes. She heard him brush his teeth and he emerged, shutting the light off, and suddenly he was slipping under the sheets next to her, close enough to touch her but not daring to.

She wanted him to, badly. She tried to think of the hundreds of times she’d fallen asleep in her lonely apartment thinking about this, about the nights he’d slip into bed beside her just when she was about to fall asleep and softly touch her back, or her hip, or gently kiss the back of her neck, any of which would usually render her putty in his arms.

She lay still, wondering if he’d speak. After a couple minutes she couldn’t take it anymore.

“When your mom died… do you remember that?” she asked him.

“Yeah,” he replied. He said nothing else.

“You two weren’t… close, were you?” she continued. She knew the answer but she was desperate to talk to him.

“Not as much as I’d liked to have been,” he admitted. “Not like your mom.”

Scully felt tears welling up in her eyes. Could she possibly have any left?

“She loved you, Mulder. My mom. I know she did.” Maybe it was the knowledge that he’d been as lonely as she’d been, but she felt compelled to tell him this. Mulder never really had a family life like she had. “I think she loved you before I even knew I did.”

She heard nothing for a minute, and recognized that he was trying not to cry.

“I loved her too, Scully,” he said. “She was an incredible person.”

Scully let that sink in. She knew Mulder had cared for her mother but she was starting to realize there was much more there than she could possibly have known. He continued.

“She had to be, because she made you.”

She immediately thought of William, and how she and Mulder had made him, and how they’d never know how incredible he’d turn out to be, and suddenly everything was too much: William, her mother, Mulder, this house, the shirt, all of it, and she found herself crying yet again into the very same pillow she’d cried into all those years ago. Only this time instead of heartbreak it was regret; regret for abandoning her son, regret for not taking the time to ask her mother all the questions she should have, regret for walking out on the one person she loved more than anyone she’d ever known.

Mostly regret that she couldn’t do anything about it, not now. It was too late for all of it. William was gone, her mother was dead. Mulder was here, but their relationship was something different now. She didn’t know how to go back.

“Scully...”

His voice came softly just behind her neck. He still wasn’t touching her at all but his breath was warm and he was so, so close. She couldn’t respond because she was crying so hard she could barely breathe.

“Scully, please, let me hold you.”

It was then that she realized he needed to hold her just as much as she needed to be held by him. He was suffering just as much as she was. Both of them needed this.

She didn’t know how to go back. But maybe just for tonight, she could stay right here, in the present, with him. She scooted back slowly towards him in the familiar way she used to, into his waiting arms. Before she could fit her body perfectly next to his, Daggoo suddenly jumped up and squirmed in between them, stretching his body out, and promptly fell back asleep.

Scully felt Daggoo’s little body calm and could still feel Mulder’s warmth around the rest of her as his arms crossed over her torso. She took his hands in hers as the dog instantly started to snore and she started to laugh softly, and soon he joined, and for just a tiny moment she felt hope; hope that her mother’s disappointment in her would fade away someday, when she finally had the courage to tell him the truth. That she wanted him back, that she needed him back.

“Thank you, Mulder,” she said softly. “Thanks for being here for me.”

“I’ll always be around, Scully,” he assured her. “Always. You are my family.”

She let him hold her close, as close as Daggoo would allow, and eventually the tears stopped. She looked above them through the skylight, and although she wasn’t sure if she believed in heaven or not, she knew somehow, some way, her mother was watching.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every damn one of us in the XF fandom can agree: we all loved Margaret Scully. Shoutout to the OG shipper:) If you want to read more please check out [Culmination](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748734/chapters/34100159) (mid chapter 17 picks up after TWW)
> 
>  
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> I hope you enjoyed the story, feedback is always appreciated, thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> I love Maggie Scully so much, and we got so little of her, relatively speaking, over the years. The relationship she had with Scully was always so interesting to me because I felt like it was based on a different kind of trust than Scully had with Mulder: the love was always communicated properly, obviously, but Scully kept her feelings about everything else hidden. I wanted to explore that. I hope you enjoy it! As always, feedback is appreciated :)


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